No, I am not going to launch into a learned treatise on the Christopher Fry play, nor will this be an in-depth examination of Tiger Woods’ sexual perambulations.
I refer instead to the proposed examination – for want of a better word – to be taken by prospective foreign residents of this sainted isle. Having perused the list of questions to be put, I came to the conclusion that many were – to put it mildly – either irrelevant or just plain silly.
For instance, what has knowing the five main rock strata of the island got to do with anything, let alone a foreigner’s knowledge of Malta. And anyway, how many of us Maltese know the answer ourselves?
Oh no, anyone wanting to come and live in this, er, paradise in the Mediterranean, should be au fait with knowledge about our way of life, our strengths, our foibles, our major personalities, our sports, our cultural activities. You know, all the really important schtick.
So I have set out my own list of questions, with multiple-choice answers, that I feel would far better prepare any aspiring foreigners who wish to live among us.
Let’s tackle our history first:
Who actually won the Great Siege of 1565?
a: We did; b: The Turks; c: Juventus 3 – 2 on penalties after extra time.
That will do for past glories, now let’s come bang up to date:
What is Malta’s unofficial national day?
a: Budget day; b: Lou Bondi’s birthday; c: The day of the finals of the Eurovision Song Contest.
What is the most important and prestigious monument in Malta?
a: The Great Siege monument opposite the law courts in Valletta; b: The Freedom monument in Vittoriosa; c: The Love sculpture in Spinola.
Who is generally regarded as the greatest living Maltese?
a: Eddie Fenech Adami; b: Edward de Bono; c: John Bundy.
What is Malta’s principal religion?
a: Roman Catholicism; b: Islam; c: Money.
What emblem is emblazoned on the Maltese flag?
a: The Maltese Cross; b: The George Cross; c: The skull and crossbones.
What is Malta’s principal sporting activity?
a: Gambling; b: Rendering endangered bird species extinct; c: Illegal immigrant baiting (or bus driver’s roulette).
Who is the main disseminator and broadcaster of news in Malta?
a: TOM; b: TVM; c: JPO.
Does Malta currently permit divorce?
a: Yes; b: No; c: It depends on your financial status.
What exactly is Smart City?
a: A large gent’s outfitters; b: A hi-tech industrial estate; c: A white elephant.
Who is the current Maltese prime minister?
a: Lawrence Gonzi; b: Austin Gatt; c: Lou Bondi.
From where do the prevailing winds in Malta come?
a: East; b: West; c: Cold air from the west, hot air from parliament.
Who is Malta’s greatest cultural ambassador?
a: Joseph Calleja; b: Brian Schembri; c: Grace Borg.
What is the main industry of Malta’s sister island, Gozo?
a: Agriculture; b: Overcharging the Maltese; c: Fiddling their VAT returns.
What is the most ancient relic/monument to be found in Malta?
a: Ġgantija; b: Ħaġar Qim; c: Dom Mintoff.
Who is the most prolific property developer in Malta?
a: Iċ-Ċaqnu; b: Żaren Vassallo; c: Bob the builder.
What is Malta’s main organ of animal and avian welfare and conservation?
a: Birdlife Malta; b: The SPCA; c: FKNK.
Oh yes, that should sort out the wannabe settlers from the freeloaders. And if it doesn’t, we can always put them all into a leaky frejgatina and point them in the direction of Libya.