Have you ever had occasion to observe the way, when a man talks about a woman being 'a good woman', what usually follows is a list of her domestic virtues? It happens a lot.

A man reminiscing about what a good wife his mother was to his father, will recall her unfailing dedication to him, her willingness to do the things he wanted to do and to sacrifice and go without the things that were not important to him, the things he had no use for or those he had chosen to live without; how mealtimes were always sacred and how there was always a hot meal waiting for him; how she was always there when he returned from work, with a smile on her face, eager to hear all about his day as she ladled out his soup or darned his socks.

You will rarely catch a man singing the praises of a woman because she worked all day long and long into night. Which is not to say that a woman who chooses to put her career before her family will be disparaged. She will undoubtedly be described as competent, intelligent and successful. Indeed, there will undoubtedly be numerous adjectives attesting to her accomplishments and achievements, but the likelihood is that 'good wife' or 'good mother' will not be a part of her legacy.

Women who spend their days out at work may be pushy, ambitious, aspirational, but are not usually perceived as good. Men, on the other hand, are. A man who works all day long and late into the night, is working for his family, bringing home the bacon. If he comes home late, he is doing this for his family, in the name of love.

I am loathe to discuss the gender issue because I find it tiresome and inconsequential, largely because many of the gender stereotypes that exist, do so because we have created them ourselves and we seem happy to perpetuate them. Take Mother's Day for instance and compare it to Father's Day. Are the two identical? Are they celebrated in quite the same spirit. I think not.

Apart from the fact that historically Mother's Day came first, and Father's Day was an afterthought, designed to fill in the maternal gaps that were brought about during a time when many women died during childbirth and fathers were forced to assume the role of both father and mother, Father's Day somehow just isn't held in the same sort of esteem or importance. It's a bit like Christmas and Easter I suppose, and yes I am aware that Easter is superior from a religious point of view. And yet, it's still Christmas that commands the respect of the family.

So yes, there's definitely a gender bias as far as the two Sundays go. We continue to put Mother's Day on a pedestal and I don't think it's because we like heights. I suspect it's because although we talk about equal rights and partnerships, we are reluctant to let go of our place at the hearth of the home. And men are even more reluctant to take over and are quite happy to forfeit their place there.

I see it all the time with married friends where both husband and wife work. The husband's is looked upon the 'real job'. The wife may work as many hours as her husband but she has to somehow figure out how to juggle the school run and her work meetings. His meetings are not negotiable.

Same with silly things like taking vacation leave. The wife will work around his leave and will plan hers to accommodate her husband's. He may have his domestic chores assigned and carry out one or more duties that may include driving the children to and from school, making the dreaded school lunch or bus stop duty or preparing the morning bottle. Yet it is still women who assume the lion's share of child-raising.

There are always going to be exceptions and I know that there are many hands-on dads walking the streets of Valletta, complaining that the whole child custody debate is fraught with gender bias. But you see, the main reason for this is because women are still looked upon as the principal child rearers. And it's both men and women who have contributed to this state of affairs.

In the same way that in most families, the father is feared and the mother isn't. Men are generally more removed emotionally than women, so children are more inclined to pay attention to them because they feel they have to win their respect. Which may explain why we grew up in a very 'go ask your father, I'll tell your father' kind of culture. And then we wonder why children's reactions differ when they are asked to put on their coats by one parent rather than the other. A child doesn't usually dilly dally when the request is made by his father.

Again, it's probably a combination of many variables. Absence does make for a certain reverential fear. Women are usually too tired to see certain threats through. You see when you've been battling with bath time and bottles and your boss, your ideals may get short shrift. Something has to give and sometimes it's easier to let someone else take over. At eight o clock, when your brain is fried, you feel you've earned the right not to be consistent, to pass the buck.

And yet I suppose secretly and not so secretly mothers the world over do feel that they should be celebrated. For all the reasons imaginable - because they literally carry and bring their children into the world and that alone gives them a certain resilience which no man can ever know. Happy Mother's Day.

michelaspiteri@gmail.com