It appears to be coming back into fashion to “be thankful” for something, anything, even if it’s the fact that the Missus kept quiet for five minutes because the toffee stuck her dentures together and she had to work them loose while she was still wearing them.

Me, I’m just thankful I don’t live in Maine, because apparently, if you keep Christmas decorations up after January 14, you are liable to a fine. Not that I do have many Christmas decorations up in our house, but you never know.... when the snow comes down and it covers the fir tree we have in the front garden, the Decorations Police might think it was a Christmas Tree.

So I lie. We do have some Christmas decorations. And, to be even more honest with you, we just shunt the tree, plus lights, plus decorations, into the attic and bring it down as is, year after year.
Hey, it’s not that I’m lazy. It’s just a tradition. Who can make head or tale of traditions? Ask my friend Topol. Or better still; ask all those Catalan children who are getting back into the habit of flogging a dead horse. Not a dead horse as such, but almost.

Ziju means uncle in Maltese, right? It’s very close to the Italian zio and the Spanish tío (oncle, uncle, and onkel have a different root). But in Catalan, tío means “log”.

Now just because it’s Christmas, and consequently a Tío de Nadal, don’t think I’m meaning those logs that are covered with gooey, sticky chocolate cream, or the ones that are made with crushed biscuits and covered in a crust of hard chocolate.

Oh, no. There’s a group of people that are trying to Kill Santa and re-introduce an inanimate piece of wood as the gift-giver. And I think they are cheating the kids. Because the original tío used to be a hollow log, and nowadays, it’s just a lopped off piece of trunk, which is easier (a) to get and (b) top paint faces on. And, what’s more, they gave the log legs, to make it appear more creditable as an animal capable of bestowing gifts.

The idea is to cover the log with a blanket, and, as from December 8 until Christmas Day, “feed” it with fruits and vegetables. Then, there is a ceremony in which the children beat the log, and lo and behold, when the blanket is removed, the healthy snacks are revealed to have been transmuted into a cornucopia of chocolates, torrons (nougat), sweets and nuts. To indicate that the bonanza is over, it drops a salt herring, a head of garlic, an onion... or passes some water... For shame!

I kid you not. This may sound like something Patricia Smith, Jay Forman, Stephen Glass, Jayson Blair and Janet Cooke might have concocted and pretended that they were, yet again, reporting something faithfully. But, in this case, they would not have strayed one inch from the truth. Oh, the irony of it all.