Today, for your Sunday morning delectation, Sylvanus presents the text of the campaign launching speech of Jodie Pusscat, undisputed leader of the Nationalistic Alliance for Zonal Independence party.

We do this to allay any rumours that this is a party of the extreme right. No way. It's a party of the righter than right.

This speech was delivered to a baying throng of literally two party supporters at a mass meeting held in the outside WC of number 34 Mussolini Alley, Bengħajsa.

Let us set the scene: The masses (both of them) are gathered in the privy to await the arrival, then speech of their charismatic leader Jodie Pusscat. He enters triumphantly, to the strains of the Horst Wessel song, booming out of the ghetto blaster held by his trusty lieutenant Phil the Beasty boy. Jodie ascends the podium (fortunately the seat is down, or he might have appeared, then disappeared just as rapidly) - followed by his deputy leader Angela Shoreab - (not much room for two people on the privy lid, but they manage... somehow).

Jodie is really up for this one. He looks flushed (which is hardly surprising considering the location of the mass meeting) and eager. Both of the crowd remark on Jodie's faintly militaristic attire. It must be the jodhpurs, the grey uniform and the armband. And - with his jaunty lock of hair and newly acquired moustache, he does indeed bear an uncanny resemblance to another charismatic figure, Frau Imelda Marcos.

After exchanging greetings with both of his audience, Jodie launches into the most important and charismatic speech of his illustrious political career.

"I greet you all, well, OK both, today, at the outset of our party's short march to power and ultimately world domination." (The speech is interrupted at this point by prolonged thunderous applause and a forced break, when Jodie is temporarily obliged to vacate the podium, since Phil the Beasty boy has to take a leak) (Interruption over, Jodie re-ascends the podium and continues)

"We will begin our assault on power by marching on Comino. Not all the way, of course. We'll march - in convoy - as far as Cirkewwa, hijack a Gozo ferry and demand they berth in front of the Comino Hotel, then we'll march to the Comino Tower, where we will raise our party flag... as soon as I get a few designed and run-off. (More deafening applause and shouts from the assembled hordes).

"Then we'll climb to the top of one of the towers and loudly proclaim a new dawn in Maltese politics. And as you both know, the main plank of our domestic policy will be a 365-day a year hunting season, for those brave fellows, those bold and patriotic followers of our traditional pastime - avian extermination!" (Yet more prolonged cheering - can the roof of the WC possibly stand much more of this sustained euphoria?)

"Oh yes, we shall fight our enemies on the beaches. We shall fight them in the towns, in the supermarkets, in the Internet cafes... we shall nevah surrendah! We - my friends are the third way. The new, clean and improved way of doing politics in Malta. As soon as I am elected, by an enthusiastic and welcoming Maltese population, as your new leader, I shall instantly withdraw our island nation from the EU."

"I will throw their euros back in their faces. Bring unto me your underfed masses, your disenfranchised millions. I will lead our nation towards a better tomorrow and -" (At his point, with Jodie jumping up and down on the podium, the roof of the outside privy falls in and Jodie and Angela disappear down the flushing... hopefully for good.)