This week I'm going to invite men at different stages in the family life cycle to participate at different levels within their families. I hope that these invitations will be palatable and tasty so that it becomes easier for men to pursue and for partners to encourage and support. Some, however, will be rather like medicine which although not so tasty, will eventually be beneficial.
Fathers around the time of birth
Providing practical support around nest building activities is vital at this stage. Help in hospital visits, childbirth classes, decorating the baby's room will help you get into the father's role more easily and quickly.
Beware of the feeling of increased responsibility round this time. You might feel that because your wife is not working, you are completely responsible for the family income. This might push you into increasing the workload which will not leave you time to involve yourself in family life.
Make sure you go for pre-natal classes to prepare yourself for the childbirth experience. There is research showing that men who do this develop greater bonds with their babies eventually. Make sure you eventually attend the birth of your baby. Not only is this a miraculous event but it will be an experience you and your spouse will treasure for the rest of your lives. Your support is also of great importance to your spouse.
Fit your contributions in the home around your work schedule so as not to feel you are neglecting your work. When the baby wakes up at night for example, you might not want to wake up to feed the baby because of work. Make sure you can do it during the weekend though, so that your partner may have some time to rest.
Many mothers nowadays report that their husbands are their main source of emotional support after the birth of the baby. Some research also shows that the mother's ability to cope with the newborn is related to their partner's ability to do likewise. Even the mother's success at breastfeeding has been related to her perception of her partner's support.
Dads' involvement with their babies
Involvement with babies can vary a great deal and involves virtually every activity (obviously except breast feeding). Some men find themselves being the main carers of the baby in situations where the mother is unwell, for example recovering from Caesarian section, or going through a phase of post-natal depression.
While popular belief speaks about mother instinct, research shows no difference between men's and women's patterns of arousal in response to their newborn babies. This means that some of the cultural myths associated with biological dispositions of child rearing need to be reconsidered. Men and women therefore are equally able to develop the same caring skills.
Fathers are as sensitive and responsive to their young children as mothers can be. For example while feeding the baby, fathers respond equally well when the baby wants to pause or needs more food. They are also able to get as much milk into the baby as mothers do.
What's also encouraging to men is that babies become attached to those who respond sensitively to them and who can provide fun and playful stimulation. So holding the baby, playing and talking with the baby, are all helpful and healthy activities. Again don't let work hours and preoccupations interfere with your relationship with your child and your partner.
At this stage it is critically important to care about your relationship with your spouse as well. Often the two relationships influence each other and strain in one is often reflected in strain in the other. Reassuring your spouse and making her feel she is your number one is crucial. Abstaining from this is risky. The mother may get too involved with the baby and you as a father may feel excluded from that apparently "special" bond. Much research shows that this is often the beginning of marital trouble.
Time is an important element to consider and quality and quantity is an important balance to achieve for an enriching relationship. Make sure you get actively involved with your child in such activities as playing, bathing, changing nappies, putting the child to bed, feeding, reading stories, singing nursery rhymes, and so on. One important activity at this stage is the showing of affection to your child. Apart from intensifying the bond between you and the child, this will help the child learn how to express affection.
Babies' attachment intensity with parents depends on activities like the ones mentioned above. Many studies have compared the ways in which babies related to their attachment figures and have found no difference between fathers' and mothers' capability in this respect. So avoid falling into the trap of myths saying that children's care is a woman's realm.
Self-understanding is crucial at this stage and the baby brings along some radical changes to the relatively easier situation before you became three. A good understanding of your own needs and feelings as a person has been shown to help in forging an improved relationship with your baby.
p Next week I will continue to make suggestions for fathers of young children and adolescents, as well as fathers who do not live with their children and stepfathers, if one may call them so in the Maltese context.
• Mr Azzopardi is a systemic family psychotherapist.
Fathers around the time of birth
Providing practical support around nest building activities is vital at this stage. Help in hospital visits, childbirth classes, decorating the baby's room will help you get into the father's role more easily and quickly.
Beware of the feeling of increased responsibility round this time. You might feel that because your wife is not working, you are completely responsible for the family income. This might push you into increasing the workload which will not leave you time to involve yourself in family life.
Make sure you go for pre-natal classes to prepare yourself for the childbirth experience. There is research showing that men who do this develop greater bonds with their babies eventually. Make sure you eventually attend the birth of your baby. Not only is this a miraculous event but it will be an experience you and your spouse will treasure for the rest of your lives. Your support is also of great importance to your spouse.
Fit your contributions in the home around your work schedule so as not to feel you are neglecting your work. When the baby wakes up at night for example, you might not want to wake up to feed the baby because of work. Make sure you can do it during the weekend though, so that your partner may have some time to rest.
Many mothers nowadays report that their husbands are their main source of emotional support after the birth of the baby. Some research also shows that the mother's ability to cope with the newborn is related to their partner's ability to do likewise. Even the mother's success at breastfeeding has been related to her perception of her partner's support.
Dads' involvement with their babies
Involvement with babies can vary a great deal and involves virtually every activity (obviously except breast feeding). Some men find themselves being the main carers of the baby in situations where the mother is unwell, for example recovering from Caesarian section, or going through a phase of post-natal depression.
While popular belief speaks about mother instinct, research shows no difference between men's and women's patterns of arousal in response to their newborn babies. This means that some of the cultural myths associated with biological dispositions of child rearing need to be reconsidered. Men and women therefore are equally able to develop the same caring skills.
Fathers are as sensitive and responsive to their young children as mothers can be. For example while feeding the baby, fathers respond equally well when the baby wants to pause or needs more food. They are also able to get as much milk into the baby as mothers do.
What's also encouraging to men is that babies become attached to those who respond sensitively to them and who can provide fun and playful stimulation. So holding the baby, playing and talking with the baby, are all helpful and healthy activities. Again don't let work hours and preoccupations interfere with your relationship with your child and your partner.
At this stage it is critically important to care about your relationship with your spouse as well. Often the two relationships influence each other and strain in one is often reflected in strain in the other. Reassuring your spouse and making her feel she is your number one is crucial. Abstaining from this is risky. The mother may get too involved with the baby and you as a father may feel excluded from that apparently "special" bond. Much research shows that this is often the beginning of marital trouble.
Time is an important element to consider and quality and quantity is an important balance to achieve for an enriching relationship. Make sure you get actively involved with your child in such activities as playing, bathing, changing nappies, putting the child to bed, feeding, reading stories, singing nursery rhymes, and so on. One important activity at this stage is the showing of affection to your child. Apart from intensifying the bond between you and the child, this will help the child learn how to express affection.
Babies' attachment intensity with parents depends on activities like the ones mentioned above. Many studies have compared the ways in which babies related to their attachment figures and have found no difference between fathers' and mothers' capability in this respect. So avoid falling into the trap of myths saying that children's care is a woman's realm.
Self-understanding is crucial at this stage and the baby brings along some radical changes to the relatively easier situation before you became three. A good understanding of your own needs and feelings as a person has been shown to help in forging an improved relationship with your baby.
p Next week I will continue to make suggestions for fathers of young children and adolescents, as well as fathers who do not live with their children and stepfathers, if one may call them so in the Maltese context.
• Mr Azzopardi is a systemic family psychotherapist.