Marital separation is about the breakdown of a couple. But it’s also about the evolution of a family and marks a huge change for the children involved. Jo Caruana gets expert advice on how to help children cope when their parents decide to part ways.
Looking back, most adults who experienced their parents’ separation will tell you that they’re glad it happened. After all, that final split often marks the end of years of bitter arguments and emotional turmoil and marks the start of something new.
“I recall that my parents’ separation was terrifying when I was a little girl; I cried for weeks,” says Marylu Attard, who is now in her 30s. “There were lots of screaming matches between my mum and dad and it felt as though my whole world was ending, especially when we moved out of our beautiful old house and into a much smaller apartment.
“But, within a couple of years, I started to see the benefits of what had happened. It became clear that my parents were better apart and it was great to live in a home free from arguments. Yes, they involved me in their arguments on many occasions but, for the most part, they have led separate lives since then and we have all adjusted. Now, they are both in new relationships and I am actually grateful to them for taking what must have been a very tough decision and moving on. In their case, separation was the right thing to do.”
But while separation may often be the right choice for the parents, that doesn’t mean that the children involved won’t face huge upheaval and stress.
Counsellor Matthew Bartolo, who is a member of the Willingness.com.mt team, has conducted research with children, their parents and their teachers to learn how youngsters deal with separation.
“My findings backed up several larger, international studies that found that children are worse affected when the separation is an acrimonious one,” he says. “The more the parents use their children to ask for their maintenance money, to pass on messages to one other, to question about new partners and so on, the more it hurts and affects the children.”
Bartolo also found that some of the children in the study began to behave badly and become more disobedient at home and at school. “Others, though, became more obedient and reserved,” he says, “which can encourage parents to believe their children are coping fine. But, from my clinical experience, I would be equally worried about the children who were bottling up their emotions as I would about the ones who were acting out.”
A child’s experience of separation can leave permanent scars and effects on their holistic development and attitude towards their own future relationships
Asked for his advice, Bartolo says that, when a couple breaks up, both parties need to go through a bereavement process. Each will pass through the various stages of grieving the different losses resulting from the break-up, namely denial, anger, depression, bargaining and accepting. “It’s only after that is complete that they can move forward.”
Meanwhile, he stresses how important it is for parents to remember that, although they can have more than one partner and children, in their lifetime their children will only have one father and one mother.
“A child’s experience of separation can leave permanent scars and effects on their holistic development and attitude towards their own future relationships. It is very easy for the parents to be so overwhelmed and lost in their own emotions and battles that they children’s needs get forgotten,” he says.
“Plus, as children are quite egocentric when they’re young, they might think that it is their fault that their parents are getting separated. Hence, it is vital that both parents sit down with their children, ideally together, to explain although they can’t live together anymore, it does not affect their love for them.”
Parents should also take a rational approach to the future. “They need to sit down to discuss custody, access, maintenance and parenting styles and rules,” Bartolo advises. “However, this is sometimes very difficult to achieve without the help of a professional, who would be unbiased and keep the children’s interests in mind. A professional can help the parents stay focused when emotions kick in and piques blur their judgement, as well as to monitor the children to ensure their wellbeing is in check.”
Father-of-two Duncan Tanti, whose son and daughter are now nine and six years old respectively, knows only too well how challenging the whole separation process can be and he certainly struggled with aspects of his separation procedure.
“It was so traumatic,” he says. “I loathed the constant arguing and it was hard to listen to their mum belittling me in front of other people. Getting separated wasn’t an easy solution, but it was the right one for us.”
His advice for other people would be to get it over and done with as soon as possible “because prolonging it will only make it harder for everyone, especially your children”.
“Also, never use the children as ransom – whether emotionally, or to deny them to the other parent. That can happen and it is very damaging. The kids should not be involved under any circumstance.”
Today, years later, Tanti puts his focus on spending as much time with his children as possible and on being a positive role model for them. “I collect them from school every day and try to immerse myself in every aspect of their lives, whether that’s school concerts, parents’ days or simply time at home.
“Whatever happened between myself and my ex-wife has nothing to do with our children, so I keep them out of it. I don’t believe that my relationship with them has suffered in any way; they have become my focus and I genuinely do believe this has been the best solution for all of us.”