Spring is back in all its pollinated glory. From here I salute all those who suffer from hay fever - those who are reading this between sneezes and nostril gunk. I feel your pain!

Although age has miraculously wiped out most of my horrid hay fever symptoms, I know what it is like – sniffles for weeks on end, teary and puffy eyes, a red nose with two slime factories attached to it, and no cure in sight.... lovely!

At the moment it seems that this year it will not be too bad, but don’t be fooled. The pollen count is still low because it’s still relatively cold and most pollen generating monsters are still thinking that it’s winter. Sure there’s some wheezing and sneezing going around but the really bad days of hacking chests and itchy eyes are yet to come. All I’m saying is that if you suffer from allergies you better brace yourselves as it is not over until you have sneezed your guts out. Even if the Swine Flu frenzy has not got to you, take my advice and get yourselves a mask because the pollen machine is about to pull its socks up.

Finding a healthy life balance is something I am constantly struggling with. The fact that I’m a lazy couch potato with a high tolerance for mess, living with an exercise maniac with a zero-tolerance for germs, just adds to my internal brawl. Knowing that a typical bed is home to over 6 billion house mites does not help either.

Of course I know that exercise helps build my immune system; that walking for at least an hour a day helps me relief stress; that swimming goes easy on my joints and gives my heart a good ride for its pump; that I should wash my hands often and keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around; that I should get lots of fresh air, open windows whenever possible, get plenty of rest, eat five portions of fruit and vegetables a day, drink plenty of fluids.... and so on and so forth. But I also know that when I go to the doctors and they need to give me an injection or draw blood, they clean my arm with alcohol because alcohol kills germs... you know where I’m going with this right?

I figure that if I take a walk to the bar that qualifies for exercise. If I order some red wine I’m sorted for my five a day (surely there’s at least a dozen grapes in a bottle of wine), and if I go the extra mile and take my drink on the bar’s terrace that will take care of my dose of fresh air. After the second glass of wine laughter will come easy and that’s how I’ll get my measure of stress relief, and finally, probably after the third or fourth glass, I’m well on my way to passing out –this is how I’ll get plenty of rest. So the way I see it, if I take care of my alcohol levels not even the swine flu can get me!!!!

But seriously, the truth of the matter is this:

- Bacteria including the killers staphylococcus and e-coli, live abundantly on our coins and paper money.

- Out of the thousand chemicals found in a coffee, only 26 have been scientifically tested.

- The last time I checked mothers who pick their children’s germ-infested noses do not die the next day.

- Kissing and exchanging virus-swamped bodily fluids improves our immune system and general well-being.

- Sneeze splatters can reach up to 100mph, in fact if you sneeze too hard you can fracture a rib.

- In some parts of the world people bathe their babies in beer to protect them from diseases.

- More than 1 billion people lack access to clean water and yet, the world’s population keeps increasing.

But of course, according to the media, if a pig sneezes we’re all dead!