Oh no! Not him again! Yes, 'fraid so. It's Yoda Sylvanus here, just about to take a peek at my crystal balls (yes of course I've got more than one) to come up - metaphorically speaking - with the lowdown on the year ahead:
January
In a press conference Lawrence Gonzi denies categorically that the initials IPSL stand for "Instant Panic over Shipyard Losses" - or "Impractical Proposals for Supercolossal Liability".
Yet another swords and sandals epic, Gladys of Troy, to be filmed in Malta. The minister for basking in reflected glory says: "This is a triumph for my ministry's policy of attracting major films to Malta".
Mintoff claims entry in the Guinness Book of Records for speaking uninterruptedly for 14 hours 57 minutes, during "interview" on Joe Grima Live. Unfortunately his record cannot be verified, since 99% of viewers zapped away after just 40 seconds.
February
Sixty-two per cent of Drydocks workers opt to retire two years earlier than the official retirement age. Government raises retirement age to 65.
Gladys of Troy to be filmed in Morocco. The minister for basking in reflected glory says: "Despite the best efforts of my ministry, the Malta Film Commission have obviously screwed up again".
Mintoff states that he wants to go on record as stating that he has absolutely no desire to become the next President of the Republic: "But if they asked me nicely..."
March
Alfred Sant wins the right to lead the MLP into the next election.
Malta is brought to a standstill by carcades of celebrating PN supporters.
Mary Spiteri once more to represent Malta in the Eurovision Song Contest, with her song Little Grandchild.
Norman Lowell announces that the Second World War never happened. All that so-called bomb damage in Malta was actually caused by over-zealous property developers.
Karmenu Mifsud Bonnici enters hospital for knee surgery. He denies it's the result of continual genuflection before Mintoff.
April
Mintoff to be next President of Malta... Ha ha! April fool.
In a survey carried out at Malta Shipbuilding, 27 per cent of workforce stated they were happy with the new deal, 14 per cent said they didn't know what the new deal looked like, 59 per cent said they didn't know what a ship looked like.
Manwel Cuschieri arrested for begging in the street outside PN headquarters.
May
May 1: Malta accedes to the EU.
May 2: Gozo declares UDI.
Forty-six Gozitan restaurateurs symbolically burn their VAT receipt books.
Malta finishes bottom of the Eurovision Song Contest. Sales of Valium go through the roof.
Eddie Fenech Adami resigns as prime minister and leader of the PN. And, in a surprise move... or perhaps not... he is replaced by Charles Polidano of Polidano Bros. Well, they might as well make it official.
June
In the EU parliamentary elections, Jimmy Magro becomes an Alternattiva MEP and is set to move to Strasbourg. At the airport he tells reporters: "I knew I'd get there - somehow. I've always wanted to live in Germany"... er?
RCC lands plum job in Brussels. Gosh! What a surprise!
European cut-price airlines begin dirt-cheap flights to Malta from all major centres.
Air Malta chief executive arrested during attempted hijacking of Ryanair flight.
Maltese male competitor in European ballroom dancing championships fails drugs test, when his sample is found to contain traces of testosterone.
July
The President of the EU, Romano Prodi, visits Malta. Upon being asked what he thinks of Mintoff's attitude to Malta's accession to the EU, he replies: "Who's Mintoff?"
Lou Bondì appointed chairman of the Broadcasting Authority.
Newly appointed Archbishop of Malta protests: "No, no, no... I'm not the old archbishop. I just look like him, talk like him and have the same name. But I'm a totally different person... honest."
In a forlorn attempt to compete with low-cost airlines, Air Malta rips out all the seats from its aircraft and stacks passengers layer upon layer.
August
The EU Commissioner for total compliance with EU directives visits Malta. After two days he shoots himself.
Alfred Sant announces that when the MLP returns to power they will demolish all the building development covering Filfla. When it's pointed out to him that there is no building development on Filfla, Dr Sant replies: "No, but by the time we get back in power there probably will be."
Maltese athlete finishing last in Athens Olympics marathon fails drugs test, when he tests positive for Mogadon.
The new young... nay, pre-pubescent MLP executive announces a brand new sponsor for the party, Mothercare.
September
The first Maltese EU Commissioner is appointed. Leli Buttigieg Borda is announced as the first ever EU Commissioner for dodgy betting. Mr BB states: "A lifetime of commuting between the band club and the Friend to all Bar has prepared me thoroughly for this challenge."
As yet another boatload of illegal immigrants lands at Xlendi, refugees already here petition the government to get Somali accepted as an official language.
The government denies categorically that the Royal Opera House site is to be considered as a possible site for another landfill.
Sensation: At a Mintoff-KMB joint meeting, KMB is actually allowed to get two sentences in.
Correction: That last statement is false... Mintoff is a ventriloquist.
October
In a concerted PR drive, the chairman of the Hunters, Trappers and - would you believe, Conservationists, is photographed at the Ghadira Nature Reserve, studiously kissing a variety of waterfowl... with tears in his eyes and an itch in his trigger finger.
In the annual BPC journalism awards ceremony, Dr Charles Briffa is the outright winner of the 2004 award for the writer of the longest, most tedious and totally unreadable letter to a newspaper.
During TV survey week a Fascist satanist paedophile is torn to pieces by a group of rival TV executives, each trying to get him into their own particular TV studio to be interviewed.
Mintoff and KMB announce the formation of a new political movement: GOMA... stands for Grumpy Old Men Against... But against what is not terribly clear.
November
In the Budget, Johnny Dalli raises income tax and VAT levels and lowers all tax ceilings. On hearing this, a boatload of illegal immigrants refuse to be rescued. Their spokesperson says: "Stuff that, we're better off back in Bangladesh."
Workers from the new Drydocks and Shipbuilding spillover company come out on strike... complaining that the divans in their new place of work are not as comfy as the ones they are used to.
A Trades Descriptions Act is passed in Parliament.
Alfred Mifsud's Friday column in the Opposition "Friday Wisdom" is the first victim of the new act.
December
Leli Carnivaro Buhagiar wins the title "White Taxi Driver of the Year" for managing to blag Lm50 off a cruise ship passenger for taking him from Crucifix Wharf to the Lower Barracca.
Sensation: Super 1 TV and Net TV simultaneously broadcast a news bulletin using identical scripts.
The head of the civil service denies that it is on the verge of collapse. He states: "Rubbish! It's always been like this."
Air Malta declares bankruptcy. A spokesman says: "The fact that potential passengers would go to any lengths to avoid Air Malta food has nothing whatever to do with the situation."
And a happy new year to both my readers.