Yes, it’s me again. Once more, Sylvanus sets out to plot the happenings that are foretold in the year ahead. And, as always, you know that whatever I predict is bound to occur 100 per cent in the course of 2019. Or if not 100 per cent, then maybe 50 per cent or… well anyway, this place is in such a weird state these days I’ll bet you some of them will happen… erm…

January:

Most of Malta’s drama schools have adopted a new form of teaching. It is called the Suda method. It borrows aspects from Stanislavsky, Lee Strasberg and Grotowski, but it is much more hands-on.

The very first robot to gain Maltese citizenship is imported into the island.

The PA gives Silvio Debono carte blanche to erect a 27-storey block in the middle of Mdina, on the site of where that rather old cathedral used to stand.

The PM finally finds a – not too taxing – job for Neville Gafà. He is appointed head barman at the Libyan embassy club.

February:

Cyrus Engerer enters Mater Dei to undergo an operation to strengthen his limp wrists. Which proves that at least one part of his body is not made of steel.

Gozo’s ‘community vultures’ (local wardens by any other name) get a different costume to the one dished out to their Maltese counterparts. In Gozo they will wear black Gestapo uniforms with jackboots.

Eddie Privitera writes an intelligent, balanced and even humorous letter to the Times. No, forget that one, it just couldn’t happen.

The Planning Authority gives permission for the construction of another seven mosques to be built all over Malta and Gozo.

March:

After his “stunning success” in running Valletta 18, Jason Micallef is rewarded with the task of running ‘The Grand Beer Drinking Contest’ at Farson’s Brewery. Now we’ll see if it’s true and he really couldn’t run a p***-up in a brewery.

The new archpriest of Ħas Siġra, Gozo, vehemently denies reports that he had to cancel his triumphal ride through the village, because the small boys recruited to pull the open-top tourist bus, in which he was to ride, deemed it too heavy. One of them said: “We could manage the bus empty… but with him in it – no chance.”

A national competition to rename Teatro Reale (The opera house ruins to you and me) is won by the entry: ‘White Elephant Thea­tre’, which also works as the acronym ‘WET’. It won from a shortlist of four, the other three being: ‘Teatru Cop-Out’, ‘Teatru Afterthought’ and ‘Gonzi’s Folly’.

In a televised interview, Owen Bonnici doesn’t tell even one lie. Now that is news! Mind you, it was a very short interview.

April:

Debbie Schembri lands two more well-paid sinecures, courtesy of the OPM. Firstly, she is appointed the official snowfall monitor for the Maltese islands, at a salary of €1,200 a month. And secondly she is to become legal adviser to the Malta women’s sumo wrestling team, at a salary of €1,500 a month. (Notwithstanding the fact that Malta doesn’t yet have a women’s sumo wrestling team.

The PA grants permission for the construction of the first five madrassas (Islamic schools) to be set up in the Maltese islands.

‘Pasta’ Manché denies that a key treatment in his gay conversion ‘cure’ is to show each ‘patient’ a photo of Cyrus Engerer… in the nude.

Konrad Mizzi is discovered leaving his office hidden in a laundry basket. When confronted he vehemently denies that he is doing so in order to avoid being questioned by a reporter from an Opposition media outlet.

May:

In the wake of the recent local elections, a national poll puts the PN at its lowest level of popularity in its history.

Party leader Adrian Delia says: “It’s just a blip, we’ll be back... some day.”

The Eurovision Song Contest is won by Azerbajan, to whom Malta gives ‘douze pwan’. Gosh, what a surprise!

A high-powered EU delegation, led by Donald Tusk and including Jeane-Claude Junker, visits Malta for the express purpose of interviewing Keitt and Kon on the subject of money laundering.

Inevitably however, both Keitt and Kon find they are suddenly far too ‘busy’ to be interviewed.

Helena Dalli tables a bill to make polygamy legal in Malta… but only for gay people.

June:

Birdlife Malta claims that in the course of the recent spring hunting and ‘conservation’ season, Maltese hunters conserved to death more than 1,200 birds.

The taxidermists state: “Business is booming.” No pun intended.

In a CNN interview, Chuwseff states that: “No way am I the most corrupt politician on the planet. I’m sure there must be politicians somewhere even more corrupt than me.”

Donald Trump pays a two-hour State visit to Malta.

In a speech at MIA he states: “You are both very happy and very honoured to see me here in the Maldives. Come on, let’s all make America ‘grate’ again.”

July:

Chris Cardona visits Acapulco (The Mexico resort, not the Velbert whorehouse this time), alone and strictly on government business. Mind you, it would be interesting to see his expenses tab afterwards.

For their summer holidays this year, Chuwseff and family choose Azerbajan… where else?

In a last desperate effort to make Malta competitive in football, the Malta Football Association goes for broke and brings in Pep Guardiola as national team manager/coach.

The Syrian dictator Bashar al Assad applies for and is granted a dodgy Maltese passport. When quizzed, Chuwseff replies: “Why not? His money is as good as anyone else’s – and anyway we’ve got far nastier home-grown bandits here already.”

August:

The popularity of the PN falls to below five per cent. This means that Godfrey and Marlene Farrugia’s PD have now superseded the PN as the biggest opposition party, with 0.75 per cent of the vote.

The ‘owner’ of Pilatus Bank, Ali Sadr Hashemi Nejad, returns to Malta, ignores the Malta Financial Services Authority’s winding-up order and reopens the bank, declaring: “It’s business as usual”.

When the Commissioner of Police is asked what he is going to do about it, he replies: “I shall invite him to join me for a fenkata.”

Konrad and Keitt open a Panama-based dry-cleaning and laundry business together. Special rates for underwear, bed linen, US dollars and euros.

Jason Micallef is given yet another well-paid government sinecure as a person of ‘truss’, when he is appointed official remover of all traces of DCG memorabilia from Malta and Gozo.

September:

Silvio Debono prevails upon the PA to grant him permission to erect a 38-storey skyscraper in the middle of Valletta… on the footprint of where the recently demolished Manoel Theatre stood.

A concert scheduled to be performed in the opera house ruins is cancelled at the last minute – on orders from Castille. The concert was to have comprised a recital on tin whistles by Ms Maria Efimova and Mr Jonathan Ferris.

Apparently the blowing of whistles is no longer permitted in the Maltese islands.

Pep Guardiola resigns as Malta national team manager/coach: “Hopeless case!”

October:

Chris Cardona quits Parliament and politics and retires to become landlord of the Ferdinand Bar in Siġġiewi.

Adrian Hillman is awarded a lucrative ‘person of trust’ sinecure, for services to the current government.

The authorities finally see sense and decide to put a roof on the opera house ruins. The problem is… there are no contractors available to do the work. They are either fully committed to building yet more skyscrapers for Silvio Debono, or putting up extensions to ministers’ private residences on ODZ land.

Lino Farrugia denies categorically that the two stuffed flamingos in his vetrina at home were brought down over the Għadira nature reserve. He told Sylvanus: “I bought them in the Monti.”

November:

Silvio Debono gets the PA’s green light to stick up a 52-storey apartment block, this time where Ħaġar Qim used to stand.

The latest government decree makes the wearing of beards by all males over the age of 18 compulsory in the Maltese islands.

Sophia, the humanoid robot, is co-opted into Parliament and appointed Minister for AI. Well, she can’t do any worse than the human lot that are there.

December:

Chuwseff resigns as PM and MP and tells Brussels he is now free to take up the promised job as president of the European Council. Sadly, for him, due to Malta’s plunging reputation, he is informed that the job is no longer his… whoops!

In a somewhat desperate move, Adrian Delia is finally forced out as PN leader and replaced by a hologram of Eddie Fenech Adami. PN electoral prospects instantly brighten.

The dodgy passport sales agent, Christian Kaelin of Henley & Partners, is awarded the Gieħ ir-Repubblika for services to the top echelons of the government.

Due to the efforts of Silvio Debono and friends, there are apparently now more skyscrapers in Malta than there are in Hong Kong.

And finally, need I add: As always, a happy New Year to both my readers.