I have just had a series of telephone conversations with the living dead. No seriously – and when I tell you who I was calling, I expect many of you will have had similar – if not identical – experiences.
Yes that’s right, I have just been trying to extract some information out of our dear friends at the Department of Inland Revenue. I stress the only thing I wanted from them was information, nothing more.
This is the saga in all its gory detail.
Me: Oh hello, is that the Inland Revenue Department?
Female Voice: (Disembodied, disinterested, possibly disinterred ‘Ehe’.
Me: Could you put me in touch please with someone who could help with a slight problem I have?
FV: You want to make the ‘ubġekkxin’?
Me: No, I don’t want to make an objection, at least not yet. I just need somebody at the department to answer one or two questions.
FV: (After a pause) Imma you want to make the ‘ubġekkxin’ but?
Me: (After a heavy sigh) No, no objection. Please could you put me through to somebody else?
(I was thinking anybody else rather than you)
FV: (After an even longer pause) Hold de line.
(There now followed – what seemed like – an interminable interlude of irritating music. This was eventually interrupted by another female voice, which sounded, if it’s possible, even more disinterested and moribund than the first one had been)
2nd Female Voice: ‘Allo!’
Me: Oh yes, hello, maybe you can help me sort out a slight problem I am having with compiling my tax return?
2nd FV: You want to make the ‘ubġekkxin’?
Me: To whom am I speaking?
2nd FV: (Ignoring my question) You want make the ‘ubġekkxin’ qaltekk?
Me: No, no objection. I just need somebody – anybody to help with a slight problem I am experiencing.
(Long, long pause… during which I can hear this second female telling someone else she would like three pastizzi – plus biċċa kejk)
2nd FV: What you want but?
At that point I rang off.
But, needing some help and advice and being unable to spare the time to trot into Belt is-Sebħ, wait half a day to speak to someone who may – or may not – be able to help solve my problem. I tried telephoning once again.
Me: Yes hello, Inland Revenue Department?
Slightly more animated (but not much) Female Voice: Yes.
Me: I’m looking for some help from someone at your department regarding a problem I have.
SMA FV: (And I swear I’m not making this up) You want to make the ‘ubġekkxin’?
(Yes I know I should have put the phone down there and then and given up a day’s work to traipse into the Inland Revenue offices, but I lived in hope… albeit forlorn hope.)
Me: No I don’t. I’ve got nothing to object about. I just need a little help, that’s all.
SMA FV: Hold de line.
(More irritating – no, infuriating music, which went on for fully 45 seconds, then… a male voice.)
Male Voice (The most disinterested yet and – I swear – that of a dead person) Yessssssss?
Me: Ah good morning (I waited for a possible “good morning” back… I’d still be waiting) Yes maybe you can help me with a small problem I’m having filling in my income tax form?
MV: (After fully 30 seconds) You want to make the ‘ubġekkxin’?
If I had been anywhere near this deceased moron, I would have torn his throat out… with my bare hands.
Instead I replaced the receiver and swore at the dog – who was completely innocent of any misdemeanour, but I felt better afterwards.
So I filled in my income tax form, as I have always done, and if I have committed any dreadful felony or crime of omission… I shall simply plead insanity.
Well, wouldn’t you?