Not everyone can do poise, unfortunately. Imagine always looking immaculate and composed, with an air of savoir faire even when you've just come out of a gruelling session in the gym.

Imagine having a natural flair for the art of conversation and the knack of meaningful eye contact. Imagine giving a petite laugh with that perfect little throw of head, and just the right measure of air kissing, not too shallow, not too loud. Imagine being able to balance a handbag, an amuse bouche and a napkin in your hands, while indulging in witty chat and keeping everyone in thrall. Now that is what I call poise.

Some are born with this dexterity (think Sophia Loren), others gain it as they go along (Jacqueline Kennedy), while others simply train for it in Switzerland (Princess Diana). This year, the international nominations for Best Poised Ladies go to: Michelle Obama, wife of Barak; Carla Bruni, wife of Nicholas; and Barbie doll, ex-girlfriend of Ken.

First up is Michelle - America's First Lady-to-be. Recently, she charmed the whole nation and stole the headlines while wearing an off-the-rack, black-and-white €70 dress for a talk show. She was not the least bit self conscious in the dress. Tick. It looked expensive on her. Tick. And in a single breath, she spoke about her rags-to-riches story, defended her patriotism, saluted her hubby's competitor graciously, and chatted cheerfully about the horrors of pantyhose and her love of bacon. Awarded the gold star.

Next up is Carla - First Lady of France. She has hogged the headlines throughout the year but her crowning moment was her visit to the UK, where she nodded and smiled reservedly and was a prime example of excellent eye contact.

She made careful, calibrated chit chat, sat with her toes pointed towards the ground and deliberately smoothed her skirt down and tucked it underneath. Couldn't you tell from the way her legs crossed in perfect Swiss finishing-school fashion (which incidentally she attended) that she's a pro?

Last but not least is Mattel's Barbie doll. She may be celebrating her 50th birthday next year but she still enjoys multiple careers, and she still sports her slender, hourglass figure complete with immaculate grooming and graceful posture.

This ideal girl-next-door has been in and out of the news this year because of the Barbie vs Bratz (the new, un-poised dolls on the block) dispute lawsuit.

How I envy these elegantly gliding swans... even the doll. I suppose this says it all: I'm a galumphing duckling. How I wish my parents sent me to Switzerland instead of junior college. I clump down the stairs, I scramble into a car with my bottom pointed airwards and then, on arrival, I fling open the door and hurl myself out, and if my hands are full I shut the door with my foot.

I have an unstoppable urge to chuck off my shoes whenever I sit down, even at the theatre. The thought of making small talk with strangers is pure agony. I can't talk about any topic under the sun, I don't have a repertoire of jokes or statistics and I blank and succumb to awkward pauses.

That's the thing - poise is about more than having a perfect, airbrushed look. I spend a lot of time people-watching at San Anton, while my daughter is entertained by real life ducklings.

And, after observing all the women tottering in their high heels, full make-up and outfits which are suitable for an evening date, I've decided that Maltese women give the impression that they are poised, but really they are not. They are given away by the way they carry their clothes, the way they move and the things they say. So, on the local scene, I'm afraid only three are up to standard and I can tell you who they are: Giannella Caruana Curran, Gloria Mizzi and Marlene Mizzi.

You can bet your life that these women will never have bits of parsley stuck between their teeth, will never get up from a chair with their skirt tucked in their panties, would never dream of entering a car headfirst, and will always know how to greet an unknown, even if that unknown is the Queen.