In the century I have known Philip Vella – even before he received the industry’s highest accolade for his works – I have never been with him to a wine bar, so I decide to pop the invite which he accepts even before I finish my sentence.
20:07
I’m sitting at The Fortress in Xemxija waiting for the Music Man to show up for our 8 o’clock appointment. A gut feeling tells me he will be late so I ask the young girl who is freaking out on lighting the candles and making the place look picture perfect, for the menus. She delivers them with an enthusiastic smile and tries to make some pleasant chit chat, before she returns to her briefly-interrupted candle mission.
I’m almost alone in the place. The only other guest is a British gentleman and his Cruella De Vil looking wife who sports purple hair, high performance mascara that must take a month to wash off, and skin that looks like kangaroo leather. She actually reminds me of a character in the highly rated British comedy Are You Being Served?
The Fortress is a dream of ancient luxury which is brought back to life in true splendour by its current owners. Once you walk inside its fortifications you find yourself in a very spacious outdoor terrace providing a magnificent view of Xemxija Bay, which leads to a vast hall resembling a cathedral. The room takes one back to the chequered history of the Knights of Malta, and its towering walls are punctuated with six torches and some armoury which are all harmonious constituents to the entire setting. However, I notice they choose to throw in a dash of hip, and create a set of four different scenarios for the Trendy Brigade, or those who come in groups of 10 or 15.
The upper level at The Fortress has been revamped with basic virtues of simplicity and a modern twist. Three different rooms provide private comfort to larger parties who might want to wine and dine privately, and a similar room on the lower level is equipped for the very same reasons.
I hear a string of excited murmurs and turn around to see Candle Girl and Philip Vella walk into the room. She shows him to my table and pops over another menu just in case.
Philip is looking smart and more dressed up than I thought he would be. There are a couple of “Sorry, I’m late!” apologies thrown over for good measure, and then he settles down and comments that although he lives close, he has never been to The Fortress.
We inevitably get caught for a while discussing the latest gossip in the music world, and how the quest for celebrity has become the holy grail of this century. Even before we start looking at our menus I decide to pop my first question. If he had been a judge in X-Factor which local artist would he save?
He finds refuge in the menu, and gives me a wicked smile. “Okay,” I say disarmingly. “Let’s take that later!” Not even Leona Lewis calling on my cell phone and begging for a song will make me forget that!
The wine and food menus at The Fortress are combined. There are a total of 162 wines to choose from with a good selection of locals, and the usual sprinkling of foreign wines. The cheapest wine comes at €9.90 with the most expensive on the menu being a Brunello di Montalcino from Tuscany which you can enjoy at the cost of €67.50. The menu is well presented in a leather cover, but I would advise management to change fonts as it might drive those with bad eye-sight crazy.
I am sure Philip will choose a red because I know he is fond of reds… but I’m wrong. He is unpredictable this evening, and chooses a white South African Chardonnay Semillion – Robert’s Rock, priced at a decent €14.50.
I’m famished, so I urge him to quickly pick a platter and he chooses the American platter from a list of several other inviting platters (which include sushi… Ooooh… I so wanted that!), and some Lebanese dips. An American platter for two costs €17.50 and the trio of dips €6.50. Candle Girl takes the order and zooms off to make sure that everything is flowing smoothly for her other guests.
As we continue our little chat patrons keep pouring in like Michael Jackson nose-jobs.
Six women seat themselves at a table not far from ours, and the peroxide blonde of the group who looks like she would be one to easily forget eating her breakfast, keeps looking our way with a sultry look. It’s not me she is interested in – Mr Vella is obviously the object of her boob-a-licious affection.
“Imagine you are trapped in an elevator with a local female celebrity,” I suddenly tell Philip blocking him away from the buxom, peroxide blonde. “It’s hot and sticky so you both have to get down to your underwear. Who would you like that female to be: Moira Delia? Graziella Attard Previ? Or Stephanie Spiteri?”
Obviously it is not an easy choice, but he opts for Graziella.
A few playful questions later, the wine is brought over to us by a young man in a black uniform, and Candle Girl shows up with the American platter and the Lebanese dips. Philip tries out the wine – almost correctly, but not quite – and approves his own choice.
Robert’s Rock has a slight grassy flavour with a zesty lemon nose that leads to a smooth and rounded intensity. It’s fresh and vibrant and leaves a clean aftertaste, which is probably a very good choice to accompany an American platter consisting of chicken wings, onion rings, hot dogs, and Jalapeno peppers .
The food tastes okay, but I inwardly crave for the sushi and French platter which I have had at The Fortress about a year ago, and still fondly remember. They have a colourful list of very exciting platters which you can order for one or two persons. In my opinion the American is not the coolest pick, though if you like that sort of thing it can be very addictive. The Lebanese dips get my green card. They are served with pita and galletti. Delicious!
We drink more Robert’s Rock and I spring back the X-Factor question with a different scenario. “You are the head of jury and Simon Cowell asks you to save one of these artistes: Claudia Faniello, Annabelle Debono, or Morena. Who would you save?”
There is a hint of a smile in his eyes. “Annabelle Debono,” he finally says, loyal to Mellieħa in every way!
I set off on my “toilets” pilgrimage and can say they are okay, but with as much oomph as Kojak’s hair. The Fortress has a spectacular ambience so I feel some more effort in design when it comes to bathrooms would not have been a bad idea. Other than that I don’t have much to fault it with. The ambience is fantastic, the platters are big, and the wine selection is good. The staff is friendly and Candle Girl will make sure every candle is burning – a little detail I particularly like. I suggest a better selection of music that would blend in better with the ambience, and perhaps the lights on the lower level could be slightly dimmer. Surely, this is a place you have to visit once in your lifetime, as the setting is unique.
I go back to Philip, who is making sure there are no leftovers. The evening rolls away pleasantly and before we know it the clock strikes 11. The peroxide blonde is still fully concentrated on her oblivious target, and is touching up her caked-up soda-pink lipstick for more effect. I’m wondering if she will actually jump on the wooden table and perform a little tap dance for us – or sing the refrain from Lady Ga Ga’s latest hit! Malta’s Got Talent!
(First carried in The Times, Weekender, April 18)