“A person experiencing an unhappy ending needs to be supported to give this life event meaning and dignity.”

Whether you are 16, 66 or older, losing a loved one can be daunting, especially when the shops, media and internet flood us with crimson hearts, cherubs and chocolates.

“Endings are full of ambivalence,” says Eolene Boyd-MacMillan, research associate in psychology at the University of Cambridge. We are not just experiencing sorrow but a whole gamut of emotions: happiness, jubilation, joy, but also guilt, regret, despair and injustice. “It’s hard to acknowledge so many mixed feelings at once, so we make everything black and white, all positive or all negative.”

Amid Valentine’s Day paraphernalia, our experiences may become a mix of good and bad, which is harder to acknowledge. While we all wish for happy times and fairytale endings, throughout our life we all face unhappy endings of various types: bereavement, end of a relationship, loss of personal belongings, or the end of a lifestyle we have been accustomed to.

These endings are often painful reminders of our limitations as human beings and force us to acknowledge that certain events in life are out of our control. Naturally, we do our best to avoid painful and difficult situations and may try to bury our head in the sand as a short-term solution. We may try to rush the episode, ignore it or even resist it.

It is best, however, to see the ending as a step along the way and a chance to grow, rather than a final stop. It is important to take the necessary time to ‘say goodbye’ and review what has happened.

Processing feelings properly while the ending is still happening gives us the chance to work through our emotions using meditation, therapy or other resources. Dealing with the situation correctly will give us the strength to tackle such events with less fear and more dignity and awareness.

On the other hand, putting on a brave face and trying to skip the grieving stage will make things worse in the long term. It is fine to take time out to be solitary, do things differently, be introspective and allow ourselves some uncertainty.

Rushing into new relationships on the rebound and making similar decisions in haste can result in more stress and upsetting behaviour. Instead, one should think of handling the situation as a chapter that needs to be closed, and issues resolved, before a new chapter can be opened.

In effect, dealing with such emotional and psychological crises is no small feat, especially today when one has to cope with so many stressors concurrently. It is in such circumstances that support for the individual is essential. Overcoming a crisis requires the concerted help of many people, including loved ones, friends and colleagues.

Alas, this may at times need to be complemented by professional support to help the person through this rough chapter in their life. In fact, this is one of the reasons why crisis teams are set up.

A crisis team is made up of various professionals from different backgrounds. Their collective experience and skills help assess and intervene promptly at the right time.

Crisis teams are composed of counsellors, psychotherapists, psychologists, nurses, priests, lawyers and doctors.

The rationale behind this choice is for the person who faces an avalanche of overwhelming thoughts and feelings to get the right sort of help from people who are trained in a specific field.

Since life is complex, a loss may involve testamentary or custody issues as well as being angry at God. Or, for example, it may require a therapist to teach the person relaxation skills to cope with lack of sleep, or a counsellor to help the person’s loved ones. Ongoing internal communication with the team may require a brief spell of medication to help ease the tension… the list of scenarios is endless.

What is certain is that crisis resolution works and is founded in sound scientific research. Like many other psychic ailments, addressing the crisis and formulating a step-by-step plan or strategy with the person involved nips the problem in the bud.

This leads to healing, and the experience of weathering the crisis by prioritising what needs to be done first ultimately safeguards and promotes health. Loss can be overcome but not forgotten.

It may take time, patience, prayer and lots of support. Crisis resolution is one way to help the individual work through this challenging period. Crisis teams also instill hope for a better future.

Thus when one handles a crisis successfully, the person is empowered to deal with future challenges.

crisismalta@gmail.com

Dr Xuereb has worked and studied in the UK. He is qualified in family medicine, psychiatry and emergency medicine and is the clinical lead in local crisis teams.