I went onto the internet, having decided I needed some new swimwear. The internet has been both my friend and foe over the past three and a half years. I type in “swimwear mastectomy”… and sure enough I find companies who will offer me the chance to look my best.
I click on the sites and check through the costumes, it’s the end of the season, most are available in small sizes and now that I have gained weight, having increased by one size to a 14, there is not much to choose from. Shall I bother to check out the sizing?
Yes I decide I will! I want to go on holiday and look good, I want to feel comfortable and relaxed. It had not been long since I was sitting with a group of friends when I noticed my prosthesis had dropped down to a much lower angle than it should have been because I had tried to fit it into a lovely costume I had bought without the necessary pocket! No one seemed to notice. I felt alone in my anguish, and slipped off to change into something else.
When the packages arrived I was so excited, and tearing them open, I found that I really liked what I saw. Trying on was the next anxious step and yes they were a perfect fit and the prosthesis slotted neatly into place. I was so happy; I knew it had been worth the hassle. I could now feel confident, even with my larger frame and my altered body image!
Three years ago it was different, I was typing in “breast cancer chemotherapy prognosis” and even though I was a nurse with ample training in breast care, I felt starved of the knowledge I needed to be able to cope with this disease. The more I read the more I panicked, the more I panicked the more I created anxiety and uncertainty around me. That was when I realised that it was not a good idea to keep searching… I was searching to find the words “you will be OK” and they were not there. I heard those words from my sons and my husband. I started to listen to them and stopped searching the web.
I realised that my family and friends were what I really needed to lift me up and help me get on with life. I realised that we all have to face our mortality. Once you sort this out, and you may have to sort it out several times… you can get on with what is important, living life to the full.
When I read something about breast cancer and risk factors I make myself feel guilty, did I bring this disease about myself? Why do we feel the need to blame ourselves? Negativity is so destructive and unhelpful. There must be risk factors we are not aware of yet.
This disease is affecting too many women. We can and should help ourselves by keeping fit and keeping our weight down, stop smoking and keep a good check on ourselves.
Now I use the internet to connect to organisations fighting to improve the services available to women who have breast cancer.
The internet has been beneficial to the Action for Breast Cancer Foundation which I helped to establish a year and a half ago – we have our own website: actionforbreastcancer.com.
Our small team (committee) communicates via e-mail on a daily basis and we link with other local organisations as well as forming part of the newly established Malta Health Network.
What did this disease do to me? It changed my body image and it changed my vision.
Ms Muscat is head of the Action for Breast Cancer Foundation