In the wake of the recent Air Malta spat with the British Advertising Standards Authority, Sylvanus has managed to lay hands upon the transcript of the latest meeting of our very own local equivalent, the Committee Responsible for Advertising’s Superior Standards (Crass).
Oh yes, we do have an advertising standards watchdog… whatever you may think of the general level of locally produced print ads and television commercials.
So here are the details of just what went on at the last Crass meeting.
Crass chairperson Sidone Parvenu declared the meeting open.
The minutes were read, rejected, rewritten, argued over, rewritten again, fought over, rewritten again and finally… declared redundant.
The first item on the agenda was a report by Crass’ chief investigating officer, Emilio Dunn Treganza, on the veracity of the print advertising campaign launched by Messrs Micallef Gianelli, Wines and Spirits Importers Ltd, for their low-calorie vodka Schwarzkopf Light.
Mr Dunn Treganza was asked to look into the slogan used to promote this drink, which proclaimed: ‘Discover Amazing Purity’.
In his report Mr Dunn Treganza said that while it was extremely unlikely anyone drinking this vodka would actually say after taking a sip: “Wow! I have just discovered amazing purity!”
It was nonetheless not totally misleading; only a teensy weensy bit misleading, and that’s okay.
Next, board member Tarcisio Farrugia Benetti reported on one of his recent experiences. He explained that he had been coerced into buying a pair of shoes – loafer style – by a print ad he had seen in the latest edition of the men’s interest colour supplement Ġbin.
The ad promised the following: ‘Walk tall, look down on everyone, in Shadracks stylish shoes’. Dr Farrugia Benetti, who is five feet, three inches tall (and who, after putting on a pair of Shadracks super slim-line beige suede loafers, remained five feet, three inches tall), wished to report this company’s local agent, Bootroom Ltd, for a totally misleading advertising campaign.
The rest of the board – most of whom are themselves somewhat vertically challenged – heartily endorsed this view and decreed that Bootroom Ltd must immediately torch all remaining stocks of Shadracks stylish shoes, or face both a heavy fine, a hearty thrashing and a suspension of all their import licences.
Chairperson Ms Parvenu then drew the committee members’ attention to her own example of print advertising hyperbole.
A print ad in yet another local colour supplement – this time one aimed at women and called Broads.
It has recently been carrying a series of what she deemed misleading ads for ‘personality’ fragrances, like Jennifer Lopez-endorsed ladies’ cologne and George Clooney-approved men’s toiletries.
The inference being that if you douse yourself in the JLo spray or the Clooney stuff you will – by dint of association – end up smelling exactly like one or the other.
What the ads do not specify is that whether you acquire the fragrant aroma of JLo or George when they have just stepped newly perfumed from the shower or after they’ve trudged sweaty and stinky off the squash court or straight after a vigorous aerobics session.
After much discussion on the vitally important subject it was unanimously decided to ban all personality-associated ads, but to transfer their association from Hollywood to Malta. In future the only personality advertising permitted will link products to Maltese personalities.
So instead of Jennifer Lopez you would have a Maltese star of equal provenance, such as Karmen Azzopardi or Mary Spiteri, and in place of George Clooney, advertisers should focus on equally stellar but local mega-stars with looks and charisma such as George Micallef or Alfred Zammit.
A print ad, again in one of the local lifestyle freebie mags called Chillin’, raised the ire of the female members of the committee. This ad came with the slogan: ‘Enjoy a weightless summer’.
This was deemed to be inadmissible hyperbole, since the advert implied that partaking of a certain supplement would render the partaker weightless. However, since no mention is made of either space travel or even simulated space travel, the claim is unlikely to have any truth in it.
Makes you long for the good old days of Ixtri, ixtri, ixtri! Doesn’t it?
Perhaps not.