I don't know about you, but I get very teed off by the crass posturing of so-called wine experts. All that sniffing and swirling of wine in the glass, then - after they take a sip - pronouncing the most ludicrous statements; stuff like: "Oh yes, a very round full-bodied cabernet (what the hell does that mean?) with strong plum undertones and I can sense strawberries, plus some vanilla and, yes, definitely salami!"

What a load of old cobblers! And would you believe, they don't even swallow the stuff? After sloshing it around their mouths and sucking it into their cheeks... they spit it out. What is that all about?

When I drink wine, which I do frequently incidentally, I don't give a toss if it's round, flat or oblong, or whether it's got plums, strawberries... whatever, in there. To my untutored, but appreciative palate, it tastes of wine - just wine - and that's good enough for me.

But have you noticed it's only the expensive stuff that gets the pretentious-claptrap treatment? You never hear any eulogies about plummy flavours when plonk is the subject of discussion. So, today, I would like to redress the balance and analyse a few of the cheaper products of the vintner's 'art'.

In order to do so I had to make a sort of alcoholic circumlocution of Malta, to dig up (in some cases - literally) a few of the more obscure wines produced locally.

Let's start with my very favourite bottle of screech: Inbid tal-Leli. This is a full - not to say overflowing - bodied Chardonnay-like comestible, manufactured by my good friend, vintner and pig farmer Emmanuel Scrote Darmanin of Bingemma. I feel that this is certainly one wine that the general public should be told, or rather warned, about. This particular bottle would, I'm sure, have remained totally unknown and certainly unheralded, had I not happened on a bottle of the 2004 vintage in my local service station - on the shelves normally reserved for battery acid - to which it does indeed bear a passing resemblance.

In appearance it does not initially seem all that inviting, but this belies the actual experience of tasting. In colour... it has been likened to the effluent expelled via the kidneys of a Canadian grizzly. Its somewhat cloudy consistency and generous silt content may be a little off-putting for some unseasoned imbibers; but this is nought compared to the experience of passing the fluid over the palate, down the esophagus and ultimately... into the stomach. I admit that my progress through the first bottle was a tad fraught, but I'm happy to report that after the second bottle... oblivion was extremely rapid and most welcome.

One added bonus is that the minor side effect of total blindness does dissipate after about three days.

Another is Gasper's Creek - this is an almost unknown and universally avoided Gozitan Merlot from the Hal Sigra Winery and Sewage Treatment Plant.

I found this an interesting, yet hardly subtle, reddish brown wine with beguiling and almost instantaneous regurgitative properties. It also possesses a lingering afterburn that rivals that of a particularly potent Madras vindaloo in its abrasive qualities. It has a bouquet that has been described by some oenologists as redolent of an overflowing septic tank in high summer.

This is a wine for seasoned drinkers, or anyone with the constitution of an Afghan mountain goat.

Not for the faint-hearted or anyone still possessing a soupcan of good taste or indeed a soupcan of taste buds.

And finally: Karmnu's Pinky - an infrequently quaffed Kalafrana Rosé from Karmnu's Bar and Abattoir in the south of Malta. Its rarity value is partly due to the fact that not many bottles are produced and partly due to those who have tried it... who subsequently move heaven and earth to avoid doing so again.

And I have to admit that - after my first sip - I did wonder if what I was drinking was indeed Maltese wine or a glass of lukewarm calf serum. Its colour is less that of typical Rosé D'Anjou, but more akin to a Campbell's oxtail soup. Its distinctive and lingering aftertaste has been said to be responsible for the only known case in the Western world of terminal halitosis.

Drink and enjoy.