In a totally unexpected twist I have actually had e-mails over the past couple of weeks from people wondering what’s happened to my pre-season Premier League predictions.
It’s almost as if these poor souls have forgotten just how wildly inaccurate I tend to be.
If you recall, I had Arsenal down for the title last year and we all know that didn’t exactly happen.
But far be it for me to deprive you of an opportunity to turn round in nine months’ time, point your finger in my direction and laugh hysterically.
So here you go. Read ’em and weep. The law of averages suggests that one day I will get something right. This could be that day.
Just don’t put money on it.
Arsenal
Ah, the Gunners. Rarely in the history of football can one team have promised so much for so long but delivered so little.
Just to give you an indication of how long Arsenal’s barren spell has been, a certain Denis Bergkamp was in the team when they last won anything. And I was closer to 30 than 40.
Every year, Arsene Wenger doggedly sticks by his youngsters, but the truth is a lot of them are not that young any more and the age excuse is growing old.
Frankly speaking, I don’t think they are quite good enough to win the title.
However, I do think they have a cup win in them provided Wenger takes these ‘lesser’ competitions seriously for once.
And, to keep the wolves at bay, I think he would be well advised to do so.
Key player: Cesc Fabregas
Final position: 3rd
Aston Villa
If you were to draw up a list of things you would most like to happen four days before the season starts, I am fairly sure having your manager quit wouldn’t be on it.
The club’s owners can dress up the situation any way they like, but the truth is Martin O’Neill revitalised Villa and he will be sorely missed.
Life at Villa Park just won’t be the same without the little Irishman threatening to spontaneously combust on the touchline.
Just watching him was enough to make you nervous.
However, if, as is possible, Sven-Göran Eriksson gets the job then the most nervous people round the club will be those with breasts.
Key player: Ashley Young
Final position: 8th
Birmingham City
I had great expectations for Birmingham this year. They enjoyed a quite remarkable return to the top flight last season and that, coupled with new, rich owners should have been the start of something special.
Strangely the big signings simply haven’t materialised and a mid-table finish is now about as much as can be realistically expected.
Key player: Sebastian Larsson
Final position: 9th
Blackburn Rovers
I have a soft spot for Sam Allardyce. He isn’t everyone’s cup of tea when it comes to managers and even a lot of Blackburn fans don’t particularly like him. But I think the way he says what he feels and absolutely refuses to mince his words is quite refreshing.
There are investors sniffing round the club, which could make all the difference, but not in time for this season.
Key player: Paul Robinson
Final position: 10th
Blackpool
Blackpool’s unexpected and dramatic promotion to the Premier League is nothing short of a football fairytale. And we all love one of those, don’t we?
Against the odds, with a three-sided ground and with a team consisting of almost total nobodies, Blackpool fought their way to the top of the pyramid. But they simply don’t have the resources to stay there. It’s not what I or millions of neutrals want to see happen, but I expect them to plan for life in the Championship again by Christmas.
Sadly, this is one fairytale not destined to end happily ever after.
Key player: Charlie Adam
Final position: 20th
Bolton Wanderers
Bolton are one of those curious Premier League teams that seem to permanently be around without ever actually doing very much of note. I don’t want to sound rude, but they are a bit of a non-event.
No massive relegation scares and no major pushes for glory. Maybe things will change under Owen Coyle but I suspect another large helping of mediocrity is on the way.
Key player: Gary Cahill
Final position: 12th
Chelsea
Winning the league and FA Cup last season was a decent start to Carlo Ancelotti’s reign at Chelsea. But Roman Abramovich is nothing if not one-track minded.
Ancelotti’s brief when he took over was to get his hands on the Champions League trophy and he will know that has to be his primary focus this season. Otherwise the Russian will once again spin the rotating managerial door that he has had installed at Stamford Bridge.
With that in mind, I don’t think they will be overly concerned with defending their title.
Key player: Didier Drogba
Final position: 4th
Everton
Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. I can think of no better way of summing up an Everton team that seems incapable of taking the step up from top eight to top four.
David Moyes tries his best with limited resources and, for the most part, his best is pretty darned good.
However, unless substantial funds are made available, I think Everton will be doomed to spend a few more seasons flopping around just outside the Champions League places without really making a go of it.
Key player: Mikel Arteta
Final position: 7th
Fulham
Having been in the job for just a couple of weeks, Mark Hughes will not really have had time to leave his mark on the Fulham team.
But that is not necessarily a bad thing considering how well they did under Roy Hodgson last year.
More of the same would certainly keep the Craven Cottage faithful happy.
But I just can’t see Hughes being able to pull off a similar level of over-achievement with a limited squad and a transfer budget of £50.
Key player: Bobby Zamora
Final position: 13th
Liverpool
So, here’s the one that is going to cause some controversy. Yep, that’s right. I think Liverpool will be champions this season. Stop sniggering in the back, I’m deadly serious.
My logic is simple: for years I have said the main problem at the club has been the manager.
That manager has gone to Italy, taking his miserable face, questionable mind games and dodgy facial hair with him.
In Roy Hodgson the club have just what they need – an English manager who can make Liverpool more Liverpoolish again.
I think the team, as it stands, is good enough to finish top even if the takeover doesn’t materialise. They don’t have proper European football to distract them but they do have plenty of desire to end two decades of domestic failure.
Key player: Joe Cole
Final position: 1st
Manchester City
Whenever I think about the Manchester City ‘project’, it makes me want to cry. A club I once had a lot of admiration for is now nothing more than an expensive plaything for a stupidly wealthy owner. It is not what football is all about and, frankly, it makes me decidedly uncomfortable.
That said, Roberto Mancini is putting together a formidable side and I can see them making a good fist of things this season. My estimated final placing of fifth probably has more to do with what I want to see happen rather than what will.
Key player: Carlos Tevez
Final position: 5th
Manchester United
United in general and Sir Alex Ferguson in particular will be extremely keen to regain the title they surrendered to Chelsea last season. During his time at the club, which shows little sign of coming to an end, the canny old Scot has made winning things a habit, and that makes losing them all the more painful.
However, I have my doubts about United’s midfield. How long can they keep on relying on odd star performances from Ryan Giggs and Paul Scholes? The club desperately needs some reinforcements in that part of the pitch and the lack of them is what I think will cause another year of title hurt for Fergie.
Key player: Wayne Rooney
Final position: 2nd
Newcastle United
A remarkable season in the Championship last year was just what Newcastle needed to refresh and revitalise itself as a club. A sort of a going back to basics exercise which has allowed them to regroup.
But life in the top flight is going to prove just as tricky this season as it was the last time they were there. They do have some quality lads in the squad who will be desperate to re-establish themselves as Premiership players, but they lack the strength in depth to do much more than survive. At least they are back in the big time.
Key player: Kevin Nolan
Final position: 16th
Stoke City
When Olivia Newton John sang the song Physical she probably had Stoke City in mind. Actually, she probably didn’t. But watching them play last season I couldn’t get that song out of my head.
They stormed through the league taking no prisoners, leaving random heaps of wounded opponents behind them. But I liked it. It was great watching the big teams staggering around wondering what hit them.
The point will come when the physical approach will stop working and they will need to be more refined and creative. But I don’t think that point has arrived just yet.
Key player: Rory Delap
Final position: 15th
Sunderland
Steve Bruce is rapidly becoming the ‘nearly man’ of Premiership football. Every club he goes to shows plenty of potential but then, just when you think they are about to fulfill it, it all evaporates in a puff of logic.
He was once seen as a future Manchester United or even England manager, but unless he actually achieves some tangible success soon, he will probably never reach the heights.
The current Sunderland team is probably the best they have had on paper for decades. But they need some success to go with the potential.
Key player: Steed Malbranque
Final position: 11th
Tottenham Hotspurs
I am convinced that had Harry Redknapp not been a football manager, he would have had the lead role in Only Fools and Horses.
He is the epitome of cockney wide boy and is always on the look-out for a ‘deal’. But underneath the Del Boy exterior there lies a pretty good football brain and that is what helped Spurs to the Champions League this season.
I think the club will find itself a bit stretched when it comes to competing on both fronts and that’s why I fear it may not make the top four again. But with Redknapp in charge you never know. He might just win the title. And then sell you a quality television to watch the celebrations on.
Key player: Tom Huddlestone
Final position: 6th
West Bromwich Albion
Over the past few years this club have been up and down more times than John Terry on a dirty weekend. Roberto di Matteo is the new man charged with bringing an end to their perpetual yo-yo impression. But I just can’t see them doing anything other than heading back to the Championship.
Their football will be good and their commitment unquestionable. But barring a miracle, West Brom’s seemingly endless game of snakes and ladders looks like continuing.
Key player: Chris Brunt
Final position: 19th
West Ham United
I have no doubt the Hammers will not suffer another season like last. Avram Grant is a quality manager and the squad is more than good enough for a mid-table finish. It is a shame things didn’t quite work out for Gianfranco Zola at Upton Park, but their survival at least means they can afford to keep paying Sheffield United compensation for the Carlos Tevez affair.
In David Gold and David Sullivan, West Ham probably have the most outspoken and outrageous owners in the top flight. And with those two looking over their shoulders, I don’t think the team will dare flirt with relegation.
Key player: Scott Parker
Final position: 14th
Wigan Athletic
Despite several seasons of top flight football, Wigan are still unable to even come close to filling their modestly-sized ground.
Because of that they are very much a selling club, and it only takes a handful of good performances from any one player before chairman Dave Whelan is down at the bank cashing another transfer cheque.
Despite that, the team do still play some nice football and should, just about, manage to stay in the Premiership next season where they will be once again greeted by a massive round of indifference from the people of Wigan.
Key player: Antolin Alcaraz
Final position: 17th
Wolverhampton Wanderers
Last season, Mick McCarthy ruffled a few feathers with his ‘play the reserves’ approach to matches he didn’t think he had much chance of winning.
We all scoffed and complained about it.
However, Wolves stayed up and I therefore expect more of the same from McCarthy this season.
When you look at the Wolves team it is only a few injuries away from being a very poor side, and that may prompt McCarthy to send out the tea ladies and ticket office staff when they play at Old Trafford or the Emirates.
I doubt this approach will work two seasons in a row though, and it will be back to the second tier by the close of play.
Key player: Kevin Doyle
Final position:18th
sportscolumnist@timesofmalta.com