We hear a gavel being banged on the table.
“Gentlemen! I’d like to call the members of this all-party committee on governance priorities to order and declare this meeting open. Now we have several issues of vital importance on the agenda, so...”
“Mr Chairman.”
“Yes, Jeffrey.”
“One issue of vital importance is not on the agenda.”
“Oh yes, and what would that be?”
“The issue of divorce.”
We hear a prolonged sotto groan and a shuffling of feet.
“ Ahem… important, yes, I agree Jeffrey. But vitally important? I don’t think so. Now if we could...”
“Then when are we going to discuss it?”
“Please… address the chair when you wish to make a point – or interrupt… rudely.”
“Very well then. When are we going to discuss the – in my opinion – vitally important issue of divorce in the Maltese islands, Mr Chairman?”
“Oh soon, Jeffrey, soon. Thank God we don’t have ’Varist on this committee as well, or we’d get nothing done.
“Now to move on. Item number one on the agenda: this concerns the highly contentious issue of… who should sit on the President’s right at the hugely symbolic March 31 presidential march-past by the Malta Land Force in St George’s Square, Valletta.”
Mr Chairman?”
“Yes Tonio.”
“Without in any way trying to pull rank or influence in any way the members of this all-party committee in their decision on this vitally important matter, I would like to tentatively suggest that it should be us… ahem, our leader who occupies the seat on the direct right of the president and...”
“You call that a decision of vital importance.”
“Mr Chairman.”
“Mr Chairman.”
“Thank you Jeffrey, you’re learning – and yes indeed, I do regard it as a decision of vital importance.
“So to take a vote on the matter… Two in favour, two against and one abstention. Truly Jeffrey you’re being very petty and silly now. Vote please.”
“Shan’t!”
“Very well then, I’ll use my casting vote and declare the motion carried.
“And so to move on to another matter of national importance and urgency. Item two on the agenda: the purchase of new curtains for the ladies’ restroom at parliament.
“Does the rolling of your eyes mean, Jeffrey, that… either you do not consider this a matter of national importance, or that you do not agree that the curtains in the parliament ladies restroom need changing?”
“Both.”
“Well I disagree on both counts. Last week I received an invitation – graciously extended to me by Giovanna – to check the current, er, drapes in this previously female-only area of parliament – and I agree with Giovanna’s assessment of the current hangings as naff – naff in the extreme.”
“Mr Chairman?”
“Yes Mario.”
“Mr Chairman, I think we should form a sub-committee of lady MPs to assess the ladies’ restroom curtain situation and come up with a set of recommendations.”
“Excellent suggestion Mario… with Giovanna as chairperson? (general grunts of assent) Definitely, yes, if we didn’t make her chairperson she’d sulk for a week.
“Not worth it… plus Marie Louise and Dolores as the other members… all agreed? Jeffrey!?
“That’s better. Right, to move on to the most important item to be discussed today.”
“Ah, so we are going to discuss bringing in divorce in Malta.”
“No Jeffrey we are not! I told you before. It is not on the agenda… so it does not get discussed… at least not today... compris?”
A discontented rumble emits from one corner of the table.
“If we may move on… now we come to the main item on today’s agenda, and before I open it to discussion and a vote, I would like to stress that as chairman of this all-party committee on governance priorities, I feel this is by far the most important issue facing our country… at this time.”
Most of the other members mutter heartfelt hear hears.
“To continue, this is a seminal moment in our history… the culmination of months – years – of cogent consideration.
“So gentlemen, it comes down to this: Shall we vote ourselves a dirty great pay rise, while giving the rest of the hoi polloi a miserable €1.16 per week? All in favour vote now.
“Carried unanimously!”