It happened so fast. One minute I’m trawling Mr Porter trying to decide whether to invest in a tip-tapping pair of Grenson leather brogues or a pair of flirty Derby shoes by Ted Baker. And the next, I’m doing a mental balancing act – should I spend the next two hours grinding and frying spices to produce an Indian meal of Atul Kochhar proportions, or take the easy way out and slap up a 30-minute Nigella meal?

It’s supposed to be automatic, but actually you have to push this button- John Brunner in Stand on Zanzibar

How did I become a housewife, or to be more politically correct, a homemaker? There’s a pile of ironing waiting for me and I don’t have time to explain.

Now don’t get all defensive. I know that the world has survived the 1960s American housewife dream and nowadays, men are expected – rightly so – to put on an apron and do their housework duties. And we don’t call full-time homemakers ‘unemployed’ – we have come to appreciate that taking care of a home is a 24/7 job.

So we all agree on this one – homemakers are precious people and have a valuable role in society. I just didn’t want to be one. But then, men don’t really have a say in household affairs.

Ah, how my life has changed. In the mornings of my youth, I would greet the new day with a strong espresso and a puff. Now, I wake up and take out the garbage (recycling on Tuesdays). Until a few months ago, I would spend my free hours getting caught in the crossfire of Nordic noir downloads. Now, I plan a deadly counterattack on the fascist moth army that has invaded the closet (I used lavender essential oil, since you’re asking). As for favourite conversation topic, it’s manners, youth, and the value of ironing bed sheets.

Of course, I do draw the line at certain things. I will not gossip at the hairdresser’s. I will not have hour-long conversations with the neighbour about the weather. I will not organise themed dinner parties or insist that all the guests brush up on their Debrett’s A-Z of Modern Manners. I will not find babies interesting, unless they are related to me. And while we’re on the subject of babies, I will not get pregnant and share the experience on mumsnet.com.

Do I feel less of a man? What an absurd question. Of course I don’t – as if manhood depended on the amount of housework you do. And anyway, my trick is to do housework in a manly way. I lose things, raise a tornado of pots and pans to make toast, and if the vacuum cleaner doesn’t behave, I break it. Simples.

techeditor@timesofmalta.com