12.56 Well isn't that a cheery note to end on. I'm calling it a night on this live-blog ladies and gentlemen. I've felt your presence with me on this ridiculous odyssey we've all been on together. I hope you enjoyed my random musings. 

Thank you and good night. 

12.54 A song with the words "then everybody dies" has won the Eurovision in the least glittery thing to happen ever. Ira Losco, it has to be said, failed to walk on water but didn't drown either. She'll return with her head held high, but disappointment for Malta once again. 

12.47 So I have to admit, despite my scepticism, the new voting system delivered precisely the thrills the organisers had anticipated. A dramatic victory for Ukraine that got the heart of even an unrepentant cynic like me beating. Heartbreak for Australia, whose singer and fans have been pure class throughout the evening and the week. 

For Malta, a mixed bag. Not a terrible result by any means, but the feeling was definitely that Top Ten was the minimum target here. It will be interesting to get Ira's views on this. The jury vote was very strong and left her in fourth, remember, but just 16 points from across Europe in the televote has to be seen as a terrible failure. 

12.40 UKRAINE WIN THE EUROVISION. IRA LOSCO TWELFTH.

12.37 UKRAINE OVERHAUL AUSTRALIA. 

12.33 Malta now in 10th. Australia only given 4th highest points. Which means Ukraine could conceivably overhaul them.

12.30 Lithuana shoot up from bottom half to fourth, France to second. Malta now back to seventh.

12.27 The televote begins, going from least to most. Absolutely no points to the Czech Republic. Malta in bottom six with just 16 points from the televote. This has been predicted. Expect a big tumble from here on out. 

How did we hurt you, Europe?

12.22 12 POINTS FROM MONTENEGRO SHOOTS MALTA UP TO FOURTH

Another 4 points to Malta from Sweden brings us to the end of the jury vote. Now comes the combined televote, which could bring us some big changes. Australia, more than 110 points clear at the top, are probably uncatchable. But Malta's position is way up in the air.

12.21 10 points to Malta from Hungary. That's more like it. Malta clinging on to that Top 10 spot.

12.20 5 to Malta from Italy. I'm afraid that's just not good enough, Italy. Malta now in tenth place. 

12.18  Australia, 15,000 kilometres away from Stockholm, are now nearly 90 points clear at the top of the table. This could be impossible to turn around even with the massive televoting swings.

12.15 6 points to Malta from Greece, 10 from Serbia. We've settled in nicely around seventh place.

12.14 Nothing to Malta from the UK. We are being abandoned by all our friends. I'm in a fragile emotional state after 15 almost-straight hours of Eurovision and I don't think I can take it if Italy give us nothing either.

12.12 Australia, who are up early this morning, have not given any Malta any points, and let me make it clear that we're really disappointed in you. Do not send any Kinnie or Twistees to your relatives in Australia from now on.

12.09 8 points to Malta from Russia! 12 go to Armenia, who are underperforming slightly here. Norway doesn't give Malta any points, which isn't very nice considering the number of your betting people we've allowed to actually see the sun for once.

12.06 Could Australia win the Eurovision? It's looking increasingly possible, and Russia are not looking great at all. Wouldn't it just be typical if after all these years of Malta trying, failing and trying again, Australia just swan in and win it in two.

Remember, if Australia win, the competition will be held in a European country yet to be decided. In other words, if you want the Eurovision to come to Malta, start fluttering your eyelashes at Australia.

12.03 8 points to Malta from Armenia, 6 from Cyprus! Thank you, fellow small Mediterranean island and eastern European country I know embarrassingly little about.

Oh, and 7 from Bulgaria. Hopping around the Top Five now, but again, there are dramatic changes ahead. Have you noticed I'm not making any jokes anymore? That's because this is actually quite exciting.

Australia still miles ahead.

12.01 France give Malta 4 points. 12 points to Italy, who pull past us by one point. Malta have dropped to ninth place. Australia are now 40 points ahead!

12.00 Switzerland give 12 to Australia. Russia are seriously suffering here. Australia surging out front. But remember this is just the jury vote - there could be some massive swings when we get to the televote, which are handed out in chunks of around 40 to around 140.

11.59 Spain give Malta 6 points, which is fair compensation for stealing Kurt Calleja's dance moves. We're currently hovering around seventh place, which is where the bookies have predicted we'd end up.

11.58 Malta's gives top points, presented with minimum fuss by Ben Camille, to Italy (8), Bulgaria (10), and the UK. 

11.57 We also fail to pick up points from Georgia and Bosnia & Herzegovina. Was that early surge a false dawn?

11.55 Ireland give us absolutely no points and we're officially no longer friends. Could it have to do with the unfortunate acronym Ira's name represents in Ireland?

11.55 3 points from San Marino. No solidarity for a fellow ridiculously tiny country, San Marino? But 6 from the Czech Republic. Not sure how to feel about this, we're picking up points all around.

11.53 Malta gets 4 points from Iceland and 6 from Azerbaijan. Thanks Aliyev! Their 12 go to Russia, entirely predictably, but Malta are on the right end of the table at this early stage.

11.52 Their 12 points go to Australia. But Austria have given us Zoe and 10 points tonight so I love them forever.

11.51 Austria first - 10 POINTS TO MALTA!

11.49 The announcement of the votes has begun. Years of diplomatic relations will now be broken with a single douze points. 

Let's go.

11.46 Mans is performing now. This show is three-and-a-half hours long. How is there time for Mans to dance on a hoverboard? 

11.43 HAPPY NEW YE....END OF VOTING EVERYONE

11.42 The Swedes continue to upstage me with better jokes than I can write while the voting continues. Now we're watching a sketch about Sweden's Eurovision mania, which includes a vicar baptising a baby "Ruslana, Conchita, Katrina...and the Waves". 

Bizarre as the sketch is, can we recall that we just spent the last three weeks debating whether a woman was pregnant. Glass houses and stones, people, glass houses and stones.

11.40 If you were confused by that Linda Woodruff sketch, I was too, but I Googled it so you didn't have to. Her name is Sarah Dawn Finer, she's a Swedish actress whose Linda Woodruff character is a hit at Sweden's national song festival.

11.38 Spare a thought for the poor girl who was offered a job in the Eurovision, turned up expectantly, and then was told: "Here. It's a butter-churner. We need you to lick it."

11.36 Credit to the Swedes here. They're putting on a hell of a show here. Would we be able to do something this hilarious and brilliant if we won it? (We're not going to win it, but for the sake of argument, could we?)

11.33 We're onto another genuinely unironically funny bit as Mans and Petra put together "the perfect Eurovision song". The noises you hear are, from least to most intensity: drums, vocals, the furious scratching of PBS CEO Anton Attard taking notes.

11.30 It's Destiny! All the journalists I've spoken to have called her one of the best voices to ever come out of the Junior Eurovision, so that's pretty cool. Also, I've been watching her practice this speech throughout the endless rehearsals I've had to sit through (like a grim scene from The Clockwork Orange) after a really nervous first try. Thought that was pretty sweet. 

11.25 As we approach the end of the voting period, here's some of what the Twittersphere is saying about #Malta

And inevitably:

Little known clause in the constitution: a political leader who does not wish Ira Losco well shall be guilty of high treason. 

11.24 Just for the record, no, you cannot vote for Justin Timberlake.

11.19 And as we're getting back into the swing of things, it's Justin Timberlake You know this is Eurovision when Justin Timberlake seems like the most serious musician here. 

11.15 Sorry everyone, we were hit by some technical problems at the Eurovision tech centre, but we're back now. And it appears we've missed nothing except a run-down of all the bands you didn't know were Swedish.

11.02 VOTING IS OPEN. You must now call your friends, family and diaspora-buddies all around Europe (inc. Australia) and ask them to vote for Malta. Ira has commanded it, and who are we to cross Her will?

11.00 "This feels like the longest night of my life. How long have we been watching," the inimitable Ian McKellen asks, in character from the sitcom Vicious. "Five minutes," says the equally inimitable Derek Jacobi. It's funny, because that's what I'm thinking, but I've been watching FOR 12 HOURS.

10.57 LAST BUT NOT LEAST. Armenia is the last song to take the stage, and she's another one of the favourites. Really powerful song, about sending "love-waves" around the world, because this is the Eurovision and that sort of pseudo-deep stuff sells. You know what else sells?

That Beyonce-esque outfit she's wearing. Is that a Beyonce-esque outfit? #stillknownothingaboutmusic.

10.55 Fun fact: Joe and Jake said in their press conference yesterday they would "not rule out" snogging at the end of their song. Stand by for them to almost certainly not do it.

10.53 Joe and Jake, the UK X-Factor stars, I'm reliably informed by people who watch the X-factor, start off bold by posing in Liverpool shirts but then move into more stable Eurovision territory by posing awkwardly with flares. I like Eurovision stars posing awkwardly with things. It's just so relatable, somehow.

10.49 How can you not love this song? So Alps, so flouncy. This is everything Jason Micallef's infiorita dreams of being.

10.47 Moving on! Zoe just makes you want to take her on a picnic and drink wine and then, I don’t know, go horse-riding on a beach or something. She’ll be wearing a sundress and I’ll be dressed like Gianluca Bezzina and she’ll be like: “Oh Philip, you’re so funny and your Eurovision live-blog was somehow both witty and insightful.” Oh sorry, yeah, she’s singing for Austria now.

10.46 Very positive reactions from the journalists around me in the press centre. Although, as discussed, I know very little about music, I think that was one of the strongest performances we've seen her give in the time we've been here. Good enough for Top Ten, Europe?

10.44 DID SHE ACTUALLY CRY? DID SHE ACTUALLY TOUCH HER BELLY? This is so hard but nope, not making jokes. None at all. I have to come back Malta tomorrow and I want to keep my face in one piece on arrival.

10.42 If you're wondering, I'm not going to be making any jokes about Ira Losco. I'm not an idiot, and this is, as ever, a hell of a performance. The journalist next to me asks if Ira's popular back home. "Is she popular," I scoff. It's not every singer that has a Facebook page devoted to photoshopping a ftira onto her face.

10.38 IRA LOSCO. KEEP CALM AND WALK ON WATER. 

10.37 But this song’s a doozy: one of the favourites, the singer is Crimean-Tartar and her song is about the deportation of the Tartars from their homeland by the Russian army in 1944. And Ukraine have said they may not attend the competition in Russia if it's held there next year. So, subtext.

It’s also almost definitely the first time a potentially Eurovision winning song has included the words “Then everyone dies”. But my god, she sells it. It’s a really powerful, soulful performance, and the visuals and vocals are like something else. 

10.36 Jamala from Ukraine starts off playing with some cookie-cutters, which is a really good metaphor the the contest. 

10.35 That's a really cool bass-line though. Is that a bass-line? I'm not sure, I know basically nothing about music that's not Mumford & Sons. Why did my editors send me to cover a song contest? I don't know either.

10.34 We still haven’t forgiven Latvia for beating a 20-year old Ira Losco in 2002. But I can only imagine that this entirely forgettable entry – like something Malta would send when we literally have nothing better (aka Fabrizio Faniello: The Return) – is their attempt at an apology.

10.32 Petra makes some joke about a Eurovision strait jacket, which I find highly insensitive to those of us who haven't seen sunlight or glitter-free clothes in a week. 

Meanwhile, here's a picture we've been sent explaining Australia's participation in the Eurovision, because internet.

10.28 Azerbaijan have denied rumours of a cover version of this song called "Sing A-li-yev!"

10.27 Spain's singer is clearly the girl your parents warned you about. But she's actually found a way to make Kurt Calleja's dance move sexy! 

10.26 But as is the Eurovision way, who cares about all that serious stuff when he's climbing a freaking wall and morphing into a freaking iceberg and eagle?! THUNDER AND LIGHTNING.

10.23 Russia. Your eventual winners or (as discussed earlier) I'm eating newsprint. Sergey Lazarev has everything you could want from a Eurovision song but he's faced a lot of pressure over Russia's pretty dismal gay rights record, so there's that.

10.19 Croatia have enlisted Nina Kraljić, and the most pertinent thing to note is that she has actually styled her hair to fill in the space between her eyebrows. Once you notice that, everything else, from the Nazgul in the background, to the fact that she's wearing actual feathers, becomes a mere footnote in history.

10.16 Donny Montell, the Lithuanian singer and that annoying kid who took your Sixth Form soiree too seriously every damn year, has actually, unironically, sung: "there is nothing I can do/that would take my heart from you." This has not been a fun few songs.

10.12 I have little interesting to say about Serbia, so here's some #trivia. The first winner of the Eurovision Song Contest was Mr Hans Eurovision in 1845. The competition, which had until then just been called "Song Contest" was named in his honour.

10.08 We've just got sent this shot of Ira's family and friends in the venue at the Globe Arena next door, so there's that.

10.06 I admire Cyprus for turning up with a rock song to the Eurovision, but as a serious Eurovision critic, I fear their lack of rubber monster costumes will be their downfall. 

10.05 Graham Norton has said that Australia taking part is “stupid”, but have you seen this show?! “Stupid” is its whole raison d’etre. Please never leave us Australia. 

10.03 This one's a big favourite, both in the betting odds and among the people here. Dami is Korean-Australian, and wouldn't it just be a wonderful middle-finger to the xenophobes if Europe's song contest was won by a Korean-Australian?

It's also just a genuinely good song, and it has some wonderful Minority Report-esque visuals that are much better than the actual move Minority Report.

10.02 Next up is Australia’s Dami Im with “Sound of Silence” (not that “Sound of Silence”) written by David Musumeci (not that Musumeci).

10.01 "There's still 14 songs to go," Petra says with a smile, and my heart sinks just that little bit. 

9.59 What colour is my life? I don’t know, actually, Michał Szpak, but while we’re stringing random words together into pseudo-deep gibberish, what is the sound of your ambition?

9.58 This guy is about 150/1 to win the Eurovision, but just 3/1 to insist we could solve climate change, global inequality and the rest if we all just cared enough.

9.57 If you died and ended up in Hell and you opened your eyes and you saw this Polish singer, Michał Szpak, and he was like: “Yeah, hi, I’m Satan, you may remember me from the Eurovision”, wouldn’t that just make total sense to you?

9.53 He's got a nice, upbeat song going on. I can see why this is a favourite. And he even switches to English in places, like a grim vision of a linguistically-homogenised future where even the French submit.

9.52 One of the competition favourites, France, is up next. The video postcard starts with a Rocky training montage, because singer Amir ir tough, but then he puts his head on his friend’s shoulder, because he’s also sensitive, you know?

9.50 There’s just so much going on here with the staging. The dress, the weird trippy forest, the moon. Is this German humour or something?

9.48 Germany's up next and I have just one question for you. Who wore it better: her or me?

9.46 I watched this kid perform in the city a few days ago, and it will not surprise you to hear that his fans are almost exclusively pre-teen girls. He’s 17, incidentally, which makes him just one year older than the movie “Gladiator”. Though to be fair to him, the song is catchy, he seems absurdly likeable and good on him for finishing all his homework in time to be here tonight.

9.44 Just kidding. Here is Sweden's answer to Justin Bieber. The answer, for the record, should have just been 'no'.

I watched this kid perform in the city a few days ago, and it will not surprise you to hear that his fans are almost exclusively pre-teen girls. He’s 17, incidentally, which makes him just one year older than the movie “Gladiator”. Though to be fair to him, the song is catchy, he seems absurdly likeable and good on him for finishing all his homework in time to be here tonight.

9.41 Wild cheers in the press centre as Poli Genova wraps up. This is a distant 15th to win, but I think it could make a push for Top 10 at the least. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that is a serious prediction, because I am now a serious Eurovision critic. 

9.40 Wearing some sort of BDSM jigsaw puzzle as a dress, Bulgaria takes to the stage. But god it's a catchy song. I'm dancing in my seat, which has been happening more and more the longer I've been in Stockholm. Send help.

9.39 Also, his name is Hovi Star, so obviously his song is called "Made of Stars", and there's stars, like, everywhere. At this point, I’m not even surprised by the gymnasts faffing about behind him in a giant hula hoop. A week at the Eurovision will do that to you kids.

9.38 Hovi Star up next. The Israeli singer was involved in a “homophobic incident” in Russia on the way to the Eurovision, where his passport was allegedly ripped up in front of him. It’s all quite nasty, but did you see the bit where he posed awkwardly with a bowling ball in his video postcard? It’s that blend of serious issues and posing awkwardly with a bowling ball that makes the Eurovision the Eurovision.

9.33 Did you see the bit where she grabbed a real apple from the projection like magic? In spite of myself, I really like this song.

9.32 Francesca Michielin, the Italian singer, is like the adorable Instagram queen of this Eurovision. I went to her press conference yesterday and she spent the whole time talking about how she asked her producer to remove a virtual parrot from her Virtual Garden of Twee because “animals are beautiful and animals should be free”.

9.30 Hungary. His name's Freddie. No known last time. He's got a weird dancer with a massive drum. Why is it always a weird dancer with a massive drum?

9.28 How worried are we by the dictator money funding this performance? Not very much, as long as they give us 12 points. That's how much.

9.27 I love her back-up dancers. They seem to be wearing gold body armour, like the world's campest rugby team.

9.27 Azerbaijan is the land of fire, which is why you’re seeing fire on the background and why Ira Losco will be covered in honey during her performance later tonight. (That’s a Phoenician etymology joke by the way – yeah, I’m down with the kids)

9.25 The gay vote has been a big part of this year’s Eurovision, but as Azerbaijan's singer Samra poses in a variety of skimy outfits for her video postcard, I think it’s safe to say she’s targeting a different demographic entirely.

9.23 That sound you just heard is the sound of teenage girls across Europe just - wham! - hitting the ground as he mouths "I love you" at the camera. 

9.21 But man it's good. From his young Johnny Cash vibe to that weird brown suit Michael Cera lookalike on the piano.

9.20 It's Douwe Bob for the Netherlands. If you were here for my live-blog last Tuesday, you know I’m fully #TeamDouwe (and not just because they gave me a scarf with #TeamDouwe on it earlier in the week) so take my views on this song with a pinch of salt.

9.19 Then suddenly an explosion of flowers! It’s like Jason Micallef’s Infiorita but, somehow, even more fabulous (I know, Jason, I didn’t think it was possible either).

9.18 Next up is the Czech Republic's Gabriela Gunčíková, for whom I came prepared with a wide variety of accented letters. This is so typical of this Eurovision genre: white dress, strong voice, and most importantly, meaningful looks into the middle distance. 

9.17 "Stand up and dance with me" she sings. I will not be doing that.

9.15 Belgium is up first with this funky number, dancing on some sort of giant Pacman stage and wearing a jacket shiny enough to fulfil the glitter quotient for the entire night. It's been 15 minutes Belgium!

9.10 Now, as they explain the voting system, they joke about the number of gay men at the Euroclub in town. On behalf of all of us: thank you, gay community, for making the Eurovision special. It really is something. I'm not sure what, but it's something. And with that, we're off!

9.05 Hosts Petra Mede (who is a really big deal here) and Måns Zelmerlöw take to the stage to kick us off. "When we finish the show in three to eight hours..." Petra jokes. Thatt's not funny Petra. Not to me.

9.03 It gets more dramatic with Avicii (did you know he's Swedish? He's Swedish) and the paper cubes become paper flowers and some sort of paper hippo. This is going to be a wacky night, isn't it?

9.02 The performers take the stage one by one to dramatic music, lighting, and models wearing paper cubes and the rug I have in my bathroom.

9.00 A montage of the performers making their way into the venue kicks off this year's edition of the Eurovision Song Contest! We're underway.

8.55 Five minutes to go and it's getting exciting in the Eurovision Press Centre - the hottest ticket in town. Apart from, you know, an actual ticket to the actual Eurovision. Or any of the cool Eurovision parties in Stockholm. Or, frankly, a good film of some kind.

8.50 Oh and there's a new voting system! Ish! You can read it about it at the end of this fine article right here, but I'll also tell you all about it here later when it matters - in case you don't like clicking or something. 

8.45 If you've been living under a rock (or camping outside Castille - hi guys!) for the past few days, Ira Losco is competing with Walk on Water. She is not likely to win, but under no circumstances, in this post-Leicester City world, should that stop you from dreaming.

On the other hand, she’s got a great song, everyone here in Stockholm loves her, and with a bit of luck and a prayer to the god of Eurovision (Conchita Wurst), she’s got a good shot of getting one of our best results in years.

Gianluca Bezzina, of Bezzina, Bezzina and Bezzina (etc) fame, finished eighth three years ago (coincidentally, also in Sweden), but you have to go back to 2005 to find a better result than that, when Chiara nabbed second with “Angel”.

The country that is likely to win is Russia, so much so that I have, probably stupidly, promised a friend I will eat a page of our own newspaper if they do not.

Australia  (because hell yes) and France are both up there, as are Armenia and Ukraine, both of which have used the last few days in Stockholm to take swipes at Russia on political issues as well as music.

Fun, glitter, bitter political disputes - all await us in the next three and a half (oh god) hours. 

8.30 Good evening Malta! It’s finally here: the night we compete with Europe in the one thing we aren’t objectively terrible at. I mean, there’s the economy, but is there anywhere near as much glitter and gays in the economy? I did not think so.

The Eurovision Song Contest Grand Final kicks off at 9pm and it’s being broadcast live on Eurovision.tv or TVM.

There’s a lot of fun sub-plots, as well as music and ludicrous costumes, to keep track of and I’m going to try and keep you updated with all of it – but mostly make silly, silly jokes – until the bitter, bitter end.

Stay tuned!