"Good morning sir, madame. On holiday?"

"Ey oop "ilda, more o' them timeshare booggers."

"No sir, no. I'm from the Malta Tourism Authority and I'd just like to ask you a few questions about your stay on our islands."

"See I told you it were timeshare."

"No sir, honestly. I'd just like you to help me... us, to improve, what we call, Product Malta."

"Funny kind o' timeshare 'arold."

"No I'm really not.... Look, here's my badge."

"It says 'Bring back Keegan'."

"Oh sorry, wrong badge. This one."

"It looks official like 'arold."

"Aye well, go on then. If you must, ask away."

"Oh, thank you. First question: 'How long is - ?"

"I beg your pardon!?"

"How long is... your stay in Malta?"

"Well like, we only just arrived this morning like... and we're away again this evening... like."

"Ah, so came by sea."

"No loov, we're on one o' them Medic-arranyan cruises."

"Er, right. So you only have today to look around?"

"I think we've seen all we want to see in five minutes."

"Right. So... what do you think of Malta, then?"

"What do we think of Malta? I'll tell you what we think o' Malta, loov. It's too 'ot."

"Aye, the wife's right. If you want to get tourists and people to coom here, you want to do summat about that."

"If it's too 'ot, nobody'll want to coom, will they?"

"And we know what we're talking about. We're 'seasonabled' travellers, we."

"We bin everywhere, 'aven't we 'arold?"

"We 'ave that. Last year we was in Magorker, the year before it were Eye - beezer."

"And what were they like?"

"They were too 'ot."

"I thought they might have been."

"Then the year before that we was in... where was it, 'ilda?"

"Oh you know... that place where they done that filum... Oh what were it? Ah yes... Orca the Greek."

"Alaska! Yes that's it, Alaska... That's where it were."

"And was that too hot too?"

"No, it were just right. Weren't it 'arold?"

"Mind you, we had an air conditioned cabin and we didn't go out much."

"We didn't go out at all. No need, everything were on the ship."

"So let's get back to Malta. What do you think of all our museums and ancient monuments?"

"She just told you, didn't she! It's too bloody 'ot."

"Talking of ancient monuments... a year or two back, when we went to 'Goer' we took my mum with us."

"Aye, never again mind. We only took her as a favour like. I mean, the poor old duck's nearly 90. She's like on her final lap of honour in't she?"

"She got a rash."

"In Goa?"

"No, between her legs. Mind you she even got a rash when we took her to Scarborough."

"Very prone to them, she is. She even gets them when she stays home."

"Er Malta? I take it from what you've told me, you wouldn't think of spending a longer holiday here?"

"Good God no, it's too - "

"Hot, yes, you did mention the fact. What about spending some time here during the cooler months?"

"Somebody told us these were the cooler months."

"Er, yes, well... What about food? Have you managed to eat in one of our many wonderful restaurants?"

"That we have."

"Since we happened to be in Filleter at around one o'clock."

"Our dinner time."

"Oh right... and?"

"Well we popped into one of your Maltese restaurants and had our dinner there."

"And I have to say, right good it were too."

"Oh splendid, and which restaurant did it happen to be?"

"I think it were called McDonald's or something."

"Lovely it were. Just like eating our dinner at home... in England."

"Or anywhere else on the planet. Well, thank you for your time and your deep appreciation of our little bit of heaven in the Mediterranean. Do come again."

"No chance. Coom on 'ilda, let's get back on t'ship before I bloody melt!"