We are all glad to see that tourism seems to be a boom industry again in Malta and Gozo.

And in order to do our little bit for the cause, Sylvanus is today setting a Malta tourism quiz. I know you all love quizzes, especially if there are tempting prizes for the winner or winners. And there are.

First prize will be a one-week holiday in the peaceful resort of Bugibba at the 0.5 star Hotel Rippoffski.

The second prize will be two weeks at the same hotel.

Question one: When you arrived in Malta, by plane or ferry, how did you rate your welcome from our taxi drivers?

a) Brilliant, altruistic and dirt-cheap;

b) Welcoming, understanding and extremely helpful;

c) Like being ripped-off by a licensed bandit with a death wish.

Question two: You step out of your hotel and are approached by a coven of our sweet-natured and respectful timeshare touts. How do you react to their approaches?

a) Smile innocently and ask: 'Where do I sign?'

b) Apologise profusely for blocking their path and agree wholeheartedly to attend their naff reception at the timeshare they are trying to sell you;

c) Tell them to get lost and - if necessary - put the boot in.

Question three: After an enjoyable harbour cruise, you take the friendly and unsolicited advice of the guide to lunch at his brother's eaterie, the Botulismo Bar and Restaurant. After experiencing the meal, do you:

a) Send your compliments to the chef and agree unconditionally to posting a Youtube video of yourself praising the place;

b) Smile politely and enthuse, but decline to explain why you avoided the slice of decomposing timpana;

c) Phone home to check if your holiday insurance covers salmonella poisoning.

Question four: You are sold an all-day excursion to Gozo, do you:

a) Go - enjoy and then recommend to your fellow hotel guests that they all do likewise;

b) Accept stoically that being fleeced every step of the way is all part of the fun;

c) Beat the tour guide to death, before claiming diplomatic immunity.

Question five: You are 'invited' to a Maltese night at your hotel, do you:

a) Pay up cheerfully, join in the fun and ignore the fact that you are now, to all intents and purposes, legally bankrupt;

b) Politely enquire of the għana singer

if his/her sex-reassignment surgery was painful;

c) Spend the night in the hotel disco as a more tranquil option.

Question six: A superannuated lady of the night offers you sex for money. What should you do?

a) Accept wholeheartedly - and afterwards leave your full wallet behind as a tip;

b) Decline politely, but complement her on her dress sense and tip her well for her trouble;

c) Tell her you're gay.

Question seven: You spend a fortune to hire a self-drive car, that turns out to be a clapped-out 1967 Ford Escort. When you take delivery of it, what should you do?

a) Pay up front, accepting that looks aren't everything and drive it until it stops (after about three kilometres);

b) Pay up but agree that public transport is the best option after all;

c) Drive it into the first wall you come across, then book yourself into a private hospital, and send the bill to the car hire company.

Question eight: You are approached by a gentleman wearing lots of gold chains at the Valletta bus terminus, offering you a range of recreational drugs - at a price. Do you:

a) Accept heartily and have a blast back at the hotel;

b) Ask how much he wants for the chunky gold chains;

c) Whistle up the drugs squad and run like hell.

Question nine: A karozzin driver asks for €250 to drive you round Valletta. Do you:

a) Say: 'That would be nice and so cheap', and jump in;

b) Tell him you are allergic to horse s**t, but wish him well;

c) Tell him you are a restaurant owner and what does he want - per kilo - for his horse?

Question 10: You become covered in raw sewage when swimming at your hotel beach concession. Do you:

a) Ignore the turds, continue your swim and say to yourself: 'I've paid for this holiday, so I'm damn well going to enjoy it';

b) Convince yourself that exposure to untreated sewage will build up your resistance to colds and flu germs;

c) Sue the hotel, the government and your tour operator. Then book for next year. In the Bahamas.

This isn't a hint but if you answer 'a' to all the questions, you stand a much better chance of winning than if you answer 'c'. Just thought I'd mention that.