Yet again, Sylvanus has got himself a scoop. Today I bring you the unabridged minutes of the very first meeting of the Malta Environment and Planning Authority reform group, known as the Committee for Revolutionising the Application Process (Crap).

First meeting of the Crap:
Present: Chevalier Norbert Scratch-Busuttil
Chairman: Perit Giovanni Cann Golcher
Dr Maurice Panettone
Mr Renato Butch Borg
Ms Fiona Sant Refalo

The chairman welcomed the other members of the committee and said that as this was the first meeting of the Crap, there were no minutes. He thus designated the only female member of the committee, Fiona Sant Refalo, to take the minutes of this meeting. And after she told him to get stuffed, he passed the job on to Renato Butch Borg, who agreed - under protest - but only for this meeting.

In an opening statement, the chairman said the committee was charged with one of the most difficult jobs in the country: that of reforming - indeed, revolutionising - the way in which building development permits were issued.

He added that for far too long regulations and enforcement of the rules governing this sector had been either blatantly flouted or ignored altogether.

Controls in this sector had been far too lax. He added that from now on things would be very different. He intended to oversee the bringing in of laws that would make it a crime punishable by the full weight of the law.

Then (to prolonged applause and a chorus of 'hear, hears' from the rest of the committee) he continued: "I, we, intend to be ruthless with anyone and everyone. Trust me, nobody will be spared. Retribution will be swift and deadly, but if anyone tries to interfere with the work I'm having done on my newly acquired palazzo in the limits of Marsalforn, I'll have their guts for garters. It may well be an ODZ and a designated nature reserve, but it's my ODZ and my designated nature reserve! So hands off."

The chairman's stand was endorsed by the rest of the committee with a hearty round of applause and several, almost audible, 'hear, hears'.

The chairman, having got that off his chest, then called on the legal representative on the committee Maurice Panettone to outline the proposed methods of speeding up the Mepa applications process.

There followed a detailed and extremely tedious exposition by Dr Panettone on the legal imperatives arising from any newly-worded legislation regarding Mepa.

In conclusion, Avukat Panettone thanked the rest of the committee for their attention and added he was certain that - as in the case of the chairman's palazzo - they would heartily agree that his (Dr Panettone's) desire to demolish a three-metre-by-seven-metre poultry shed, which stood on some land owned by his family in the limits of Rabat - and to replace it with a seven-storey block of luxury apartments - would be acceded to with alacrity.

The chairman then called on Giovanni Cann Golcher to expound an architect's view of what new rules and regulations needed to be brought in to streamline the whole Mepa process:

The perit stressed right from the start that, from now on, Mepa would not tolerate anybody - no matter which minister they knew personally - submitting plans for buildings that did not conform to the newly drawn-up regulations. He added that from now on, decisions would be made quickly and efficiently, in the interests of both conformity and good design.

And furthermore, he would not enter into any polemics with the people who were questioning his cousin Alfred's right to expand a former farmhouse on ODZ land in the Attard valley.

The factory that had replaced the farmhouse would be demolished over his dead body. After all, it started out as a place of work - 350 years ago - and so there wasn't even a change of designation, and in any case, did anyone believe the government was going to be stupid enough to close it and throw 34 people out of work?

In conclusion, the chairman said the public had better be warned that this was a new, tough Mepa, but also a compassionate one. So yes, committee member Renato Butch Borg's expanse of scrubland at Selmun was safe; even the 18-metre-high fence he had erected around it would be legalised.

After all, everyone was entitled to a patch of land for kaċċa.