When Dermot Galea proposed to his tri-athlete girlfriend on the race’s finishing line last Sunday, his heart was in his mouth. Not because he was scared she’d tell him to keep the ring. But because he knew he wanted a romantic proposal but had “no idea” what she meant by “romantic”.

If you’re from Mellieħa, romantic terms are pulled out straight of Mario Puzo’s The Godfather- Kristina Chetcuti

Hah, I said to myself. There’s my Sunday column – I’ll write down a list for him and for all the other clueless men out there. So I started typing furiously. However, just as I was about to press ‘send’, a very important sentence was handed out in court which changed our life’s perspective as we know it. What we say and what we do and how we feel, we were told, all depends on where you live.

Location, location, location. Up till now that was the mantra of property experts. Not anymore. Last week was an eye-opener. For example, bendy buses might be a turn-off if you live in London, but not if you live in Valletta, where their snakey, bulky, chugging body is oh-so-welcomed.

What is damning in one place is charming in another. Yes, it was decreed by an honourable magistrate last week that what can be deemed an affectionate pet name in the south is an offensive jibe in the north.

In fact, what might be romantic to me, in Paola, will not be romantic to someone who lives in Rabat. Or Mellieħa. Especially Mellieħa. If you’re from Mellieħa, romantic terms are pulled out straight of Mario Puzo’s The Godfather.

Romantic statements uttered by men from Mellieħa can only be something on the lines of Don Corleone’s “You have the greatest piece of ass I’ve ever had – and I’ve had them all over the world.”

There are no marriage proposals up in Mellieħa, brides-to-be are hoisted over the shoulders in manner of Seven Brides for Seven Brothers. Yes, they are like that up there. I can’t even begin to think what’s it like in Gozo.

But I was still determined to write that Guide to Romantic Acts, so I had to change tack. I rallied my girlfriends from all over Malta and asked them specifically what it is that makes their eyes go all heart-shaped. This is what I got back – gentlemen readers, please feel free to apply according to your zone:

Lija

Lija ladies are swept off their feet if their men take time to cook dinner for them. Men get 10 brownie points if they go so far as “to light a candle and switch of the telly”.

One Lija girl fell in love with her boyfriend when he used to steal frozen Danish pastries from his mother’s freezer. “He’d bring them to me all warm and delicious while I was studying – I thought that was so romantic.”

They can also be blown away by men who appreciate their talents: the Romantic Gold Award goes to the husband who gave my Lija friend a Macbook Air, “because he knew I’d love to write a book, and I could never possibly do it on my 10-year-old clunky laptop”.

Sliema

If you want to woo a girl from Sliema, be practical. “I am so in love this week,” said a Sliema girlfriend. Her husband is taking time off work to do the school run for her – morning and afternoon – for the whole week, while she gets to do some yoga classes.

Another one thinks the best romantic act of the month was when her husband underwent lengthy and complex negotiations with the school transport so as to get their child picked up from home and save them all a morning walk.

Marsascala

Marsascala girls are won over by men busy in the kitchen. “I woke up last Sunday to find whole dishes of moussaka to last us for the whole week,” said a girl from the town.

Wheel tactics also does it over there. “I think it’s very romantic when my boyfriend offers to drive me wherever I need to go and then picks me up. It’s a treat,” said the same moussaka girl.

Paola

What do we Paolites find romantic?

A meaningful wink when you’re standing across a roomful of people and an early morning text just to say ‘good morning’ (but will read as: I’ve just woken up and you’re on my mind).

Oh, and for us, there’s nothing more romantic then when people cancel all their plans and meetings and football just to be with us.

See? No flower bouquets, no helicopter rides, no pearls or Tiffany rings, no holiday surprises. Being romantic, boys, all boils down to taking the time to cheer us up.

Except in Mellieħa, of course. The rules of the game are different there.

krischetcuti@gmail.com