[attach id=260390 size="medium"]Ask: “Who is your ideal wo…” and before you even finish the question, they will all have grinned and blurted out ‘Angelina!” Photo: Paul Smith/Featureflash[/attach]

A couple of weeks ago I wrote about what women want from men. As a result of which I got loads of sulky texts and e-mails: “Huh, you’re always writing about how we should be, but you never say anything about what we men want.”

Gentlemen, here it is: Mars and Venus, Take Two.

So, what do men want? My knee-jerk answer to that question would be: Angelina Jolie. But I won’t say it, because then all my male friends will be nettled and I will receive another barrage of grumpy phone calls: “Huh, you’re always writing about us as if we’re one-track minded”. No, no, of course not.

Still, with the exception of one friend, who is in love with Professor Mary Beard for her incredible intellect (and which I completely understand as I am similarly besotted with Boris Johnson), the rest all root for Ms Jolie.

In fact, as an aside, I encourage all the ladies to carry out a little straw survey with their gentlemen folk this morning. You ask: “Who is your ideal wo…” and before you even finish the question, they will all have grinned and blurted out “Angelina!”

If only we were born with a manual, things would be so much easier. Perhaps this list of five points is a start

This, however, does not mean that men are only watchful for the actress’s look-alikes. Over the years, after many an hour listening to the boys – dumped, dumpees or infatuated-but-ignored – I have compiled a list of what men want:

First things first: the physical issues. “Contrary to common belief, we are not after sex bombs.” And herein I can list what puts men off: too much make-up (especially blusher); unwashed hair or hair excessively blow-dried; scarily long nails; boobs way too fake.

Bottom line: quit the high-maintenance look for men – in theory, at least – say they are attracted to the au naturelle look.

It is relatively easy, usually, to suss out a man’s type of woman – he beelines to chat her up. It’s even easier if the man is separated or divorced – most of the time they go for a replica of their ex-wives. Cue Nicolas Sarkozy’s Cecilia and Carla.

The second most important thing for men is conversation. On the whole they like girls who can stand their ground. “Saying mhux xorta is an absolute killer”. Being smart is important: a man wants his lady to charm (“but not flirt with”) his friends and co-workers with her intellect. Most acknowledge the adage that “Behind a great man there is an even greater woman”.

Thirdly. “We don’t do drama.” Men can take relationship drama – argue, make up, argue, make up, argue – only for some time and particularly if the sex is good. But in the long run it doesn’t last. They get tired of trying to pre-empt moves which might flare up an argument. “I am always delightfully surprised when I meet someone laid-back and easy-going.”

Also, men like to make their women laugh – it’s their version of the peacock dance – so they don’t really warm up to stoic faces.

Fourthly. Men don’t want women to change them. I added this after a very lengthy and passionate speech from a friend who split up recently. “When a girl is attracted to you, in the back of her mind, she’ll be editing the bits she doesn’t like. They take you on as a project with the aim of changing you to the version of the man they want,” he said. “Please like us as we are,” was his plea.

And lastly, there’s the question of food. While my girlfriends go all gaga over men who cook complex dishes and clean the kitchen mess after, none of my male friends ever lists the cheffing as a requirement for a woman to steal his heart. Maybe it’s because they all mostly do the cooking themselves.

However, they all stress on the importance of a girl enjoying her cuisine. “She needs to absolutely love her food and enjoy trying out new dishes.” There is nothing worse, they say, than a girl toying with her food or a girl who starves herself on a diet. And ideally, she’d also share a love for wine and whisky. “Wine is made for sharing; it’s lonely drinking on your own.”

It is odd, isn’t it, that men and women have been living adjacent to each other for millennia and yet we are still so clueless about each other. If only we were born with a manual, things would be so much easier. Perhaps this list of five points is a start.

Maybe I’m completely off track, although I don’t think so. However, if you gentlemen readers do not believe this to be a fair assessment, please do write in to clear matters up. Be warned though: my girlfriends and I will dissect your answers to tatters.

krischetcuti@gmail.com