I wonder what went through your mind when you read that piece in The Times of Malta recently about the police acting as waiters at some formal government-sponsored blow-out. For me, it conjured up a rather bizarre scenario.

Picture this:

“Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup. I want to know how it got there and I want it removed... now!”

“Very sorry sir, I can’t help you there. See, I’m in the uniformed traffic division. Your problem is investigative, you want the CID. But if you’d like me to guide the pepper and salt down the table for you, then I’m your man.”

But it did start me thinking if the cops were the only adaptable section of the population, who could be assigned to other – menial or contradictory – tasks.

It may be difficult to envisage those brave men of the Public Works Department or your average jobsworth civil servant managing to fit in any extra-curricular employment. They have enough trouble turning up for their day jobs, but I think I have found the perfect moonlighting opportunity for either or both.

I intend to curate an exhibition of living sculptures at the St James Centre for Creativity – and what better candidates for these stationary works of art than our friends from the PWD or any government office.

Spray them gold or silver and tell them not to move for eight hours or so, it ought to be a piece of cake and home from home for most of them.

Going back to the police as waiters, despite how much the whole charade was both censured and ridiculed, the Government could be onto something here. I mean, the next time the country’s top brass have to make a trip by air, why not employ the biggest and nastiest bouncers from Paceville as air stewardesses?

It did start me wondering if the cops were the only adaptable section of the population, who could be assigned to other – menial or contradictory – tasks

Their main job would obviously be to ensure the security of the PM and his aides, but I reckon some of them could also wield a pretty mean trolley. And wouldn’t you just love to see some of those incredible hulks mincing up and down the aircraft’s aisle in full Air Malta stewardess drag.

Ever since Arriva was charged with operating our public transport system, it would be fair to say that they have – to put it mildly – received a somewhat mixed press.

My solution is to suspend their operation of the bus service for one month, during which they would have to come up with the solutions to the multifarious complaints due to real or perceived shortcomings.

During this 30-day period, all Arriva services would be operated by the Armed Forces of Malta.

Well, why not? They made a pretty good fist of just this during the bus drivers’ strikes of the 1970s. And – I would add – it would be far less embarrassing than kitting out the forces of law and order in waiters’ jackets.

But if you want a really off-the-wall extra mural occupation, how’s this for a wheeze: In the run-up to V18, the word on the street is that they intend to resuscitate the Valletta Gut in all its pre-war glory.

Now wouldn’t that be something? Clean up and redecorate all the old bars and bring in legions of, ahem... ladies of the night, to pursue their trade therein.

But if we learn nothing else from this ludicrous episode that has become known as Waitergate, one thing is very clear.

When it comes to government ministers... of whatever hue or inclination... this lot are as capable of acting in a bizarre and irrational manner as were the bunch they succeeded.

Plus ça change.