Hi there! This is Alvin, your friendly neighbourhood local warden.

We are caring, sharing individuals, keen to bring a ray of sunshine into the humdrum lives of our fellow citizens

Day in, day out, I pound my beat around the mean streetsof Ħas-Siġra, constantly at your service.

At least that’s what you – Joe public – thinks, or would liketo think. And do you know that’sa pretty accurate picture of what we do.

Oh yes, I know there are people out there who view us local wardens as nothing short of licensed bandits... with carte blanche to rip off innocent motorists and other law-abiding citizens.

Well, today, it’s that sector of the population I would like to address, in order to put to rest, once and for all, those popular misconceptions about ournoble profession.

For you see, we local wardens are – to a man... and woman – kind, generous-hearted and fair-minded individuals who would rather slit their own wrists than give a ticket to some poor old woman who may have parked her invalid car a little crookedly.

And to all those swine who accused me of rugby tackling that octogenarian crone as she hastened to her buggy with the aid of a zimmer frame, I say: “I only rugby tackled the old fart because she looked like getting away...so there!”

Let’s face it friends... the law is the law and must be upheld at all times. In fact, I am all for increasing penalties for wrongdoing asa pretty watertight means of reducing criminal behaviour across the board.

For instance, why should someone who commits the heinous crime, yes crime... of parking their car with at least one wheel over the white line of the parking area, get away with merely a fine? Ridiculous! They should be flogged within an inch of their lives, then banged up in Corradino for at least 10 years... with hard labour.

But I don’t want you to think we are a vengeful load of jobsworths who like nothing more than seeing some poor bloke squirming beneath the steely gaze of an evil-minded warden, ready and willing to do his or her duty andbook him for some perceivedtrivial offence.

Oh dear me no, we are actually a load of old softies... cuddly even. We actually have home lives... wives, kiddywinks, pets, the lot. Yes, we are caring, sharing individuals, keen to bring a ray ofsunshine into the humdrum lives of our fellow citizens.

But if you have broken the law... then God help you. The other day, for instance, I had occasion to apprehend a woman sneakily trying to put out her rubbish seven... yes, seven minutes before the allotted time, because – she asserted – she had to leave for work. Now I’m not a violent man, far from it, but the sight of this thoughtless cow ‘fragrantly’ flouting the law, in order to steal a few minutes on the garbage collectors, incensed me.

Fortunately I am in a position where I can do something about it. So I not only booked the craven cow, but I also gave her a mouthful of abuse she won’t forget in a hurry.

Then there was the occasion just last week when I observed, while carefully concealing myself behind a strategically parked car, an elderly gent allowing his dog to do its business on the pedestrian pavement, not 12 metres from where I lurked.

True, he then picked up the said excrement, but... when I scrutinised the area where the deed had taken place... there was still vestigial evidence of dog poo.

Oh yes, so I insisted with (sic) this felon that he expunge all traces of the mess. And – when he tried to claim that he had no cleaning equipment with him – I made him wipe the area clean with his handkerchief. That’ll teach him!

And a final point: We are frequently abused of (sic) in the media for the tactic of concealing our persons behind cars, bushes and so forth... in order to apprehend speeding vehicles. Well, perhaps you’ll tell me, how else are we to nail such criminals?

No, it’s time we local wardens are given both the credit and the appreciation we deserve, and here and now I would like to state categorically that it is totally untrue that the only reason I joined the wardens is because I was turned down by the North Korean secret police.