We usually convince ourselves that we’re being honest when in fact we all have many layers of denial and self-delusion. By acknowledging how we really feel, we are less likely to undermine or punish our partner unconsciously. Anything we deny is more powerful and becomes more destructive in the relationship.

2) Be more honest with your partner

We often snap at our partner in irritation or anger, justifying our own position, rather than admitting that something they have done or said has hurt us. Have the courage to acknowledge and admit that you are hurt, rather than dishonestly defending yourself with anger.

3) Create partnership

In all relationships, we are either in a partnership or a power struggle. We step out of partnership to defend a position, prove we are right, or assert our identities. All it takes is for one of us to give up our stand-off and see things from the other’s point of view and this creates instant partnership. We all know what it is like to lie on opposite sides of the bed, thinking “I won’t reach out as I always make the first move.” The person who reaches out is always the winner, never the loser.

4) Learn to apologise and forgive

Many of us find it difficult to apologise and forgive, especially in a difficult argument. This is because we feel that if we apologise we make the other person right and ourselves wrong. This is a lie to keep maintain the illusion of independence. When we truly apologise and forgive we are acknowledging the other person’s hurt independent of any right or wrong.

5) Make the relationship the third entity

In every relationship there are three identities; partner A, partner B and the relationship itself. In every stand-off there is a polarisation between A and B. If we ask the question “what best serves the relationship?” it is always easier to find a way to connect. Putting the relationship first is an elegant solution to getting the relationship back on track.

Being more honest with ourselves and with our partner can cause more volatility and arguments but it is always infinitely preferable to sitting in the dead zone, suppressing irritation and pretending that everything is fine. Truth will open up communication and there will be more aliveness and vitality in the relationship.