The Malta Experience down by St Elmo was the obligatory school outing when we got to Form 2. I’m sure Franco Debono will, like me, remember this.

A man with Brylcreemed hair is coming over with a lunch box, with two peeled kiwis inside as a peace offering- Kristina Chetcuti

As 12-year-olds, we had to sit out long minutes of old World War II footage and the images of a pop-eyed, evil Dragut slain by the bold knights. It was narrated by one of those men, with the diction of a 1950s BBC radio announcer that lulled you to sleep.

Well, now no more. We now have a different cinematic Malta experience – and what’s more, it’s in 5D. Fantastic, I thought. You see, 5D movies use lots of gimmicks – chair wobbling, water sprays, leg ticklers, wind, smoke and special smells.

So, for example, the audience can be made to physically feel they are on a Gozo Channel ferry in Force 9 wind, complete with the smell of sea salt and spilt tea. Hmm, I wondered, would I be able to feel a sense of cold steel on the back of my neck while watching scenes of Caravaggio’s Beheading of St John?

Not really. From what I can gather, although visually stunning, with a falcon that acts as a time-machine transporter, the plot is pretty much same old: knights fighting, World War II aerial bombings.

This, of course, is anything but the real Malta experience, which ought to be something like this:

The 5D Mass Meeting Experience

You are in a huge crowd. You are being jostled and elbowed. Wherever you look, there’s boobs squeezing out of rolled up T-shirts, tied in knots. Have you stumbled on a porn set? There is a vague smell of farts. You are feeling sweaty – but that’s the 5D water jets doing their job.

Suddenly, your seat goes up, giving you the feeling that someone is hoisting you up on their shoulders. You can see better now: there is a huge stage further down. You smell the smoke machine, and from under the stage, the leader comes up, kissing his wife.

Your lips feel suddenly moist. Overhead, the falcon flies past, spots you in the crowd, and pulls you away to the chants of Viva! Viva! Ole! Ole!

The 5D Arriva Experience

Three-dimensional visuals make you feel like you’re sitting in an Arriva Bus. The journey is bumpy, the potholes very visible. The seat movement is jerky.

Suddenly there is a hissing sound, the bus halts and you slide sideways in your seat as one of the tyres goes flat.

The passengers rise as one: shouting and gesticulating menacingly at the driver. Until at last, the loudest of them all, makes a grand speech blaming Lawrence Gonzi for the puncture. As the commuters tut-tut and nod in agreement, they calm down.

Except, that is, for two ladies in front of you. Who start snogging. The driver stares at them through his mirror – and keeps on driving round and round Malta. At each stop you see the falcon, puzzled, waiting for you to get off the bus.

The 5D Parliament Experience

You are walking down a long corridor, full of wall tapestries on either side. You get to a hall full of purple seats, and you take your place. As the session begins, you see the huge 3D smirks of the people sitting opposite you. You smell the strong smell of an aftershave – it’s Polo Ralph Lauren – from the guy sitting next to you, who’s doing a Jack-in-the-box act.

One minute he is sitting down, the next he’s shooting up “Mr Speaker! Mr Speaker! Vote of No-Confidence!” on a loop. Every time he stands up, your seat vibrates in jolts. Until… you smell the smell of kiwi.

A man with Brylcreemed hair is coming over with a lunch box, with two peeled kiwis inside as a peace offering. The falcon bursts out from one of the tapestries and sweeps you out. The winds (of change) are blowing at a Force 10.

The 5D Countryside Experience

You are on the back-seat of a car, being driven around at the Sunday speed of 15kph. You get to Dingli Cliffs. Ah, those cliffs in 3D, aren’t they impressive? You can smell the tangy smell of sea salt. Wait. There’s a sudden whiff of something else.

Could it be… pastizzi? Yes. The driver hands you one ‘tal-piżelli’. The car radio blares out a football game. You’re showered with spit (it’s those sprinklers again) every time “Ejja Manchister!” score. The countryside is near, yet, oh, so far away. The falcon is flying past and you sigh with relief. It’s coming to get youout of this car. But, at that moment you smell gunfire. The falcon isshot dead.

Darn, this is too depressing. It was wise, after all, to stick to knights and warplanes.

krischetcuti@gmail.com