And we all know what that is, don’t we? How the hell are weever going to win the Eurovision Song Contest?
The powers-that-be have set up an official board of enquiry, to find plausible reasons for our most recent failure
So serious is this question taken by the powers-that-be, that after the latest implosion they have set up an official board of enquiry to find plausible reasons for our most recent failure and to come up with recommendations to ensure future success.
Orders came from the very top to publish their findings ASAP and – would you believe – somehow these have fallen into the hands of yours truly. And I feel it incumbent upon me to share them with the nation. After all, we are dealing with a matter of vital national importance here.
Obviously the board is made up of distinguished personalities in their own particular fields (butnot necessarily that of popular music). Each member, as well as having a constant track recordon multifarious government-appointed boards, is also close to the primary seat of power. They are:
Chairman: Chevalier Dione Pace Lambert – (retired judge, businessman and second cousintwice removed to the wife ofthe minister for road patching) (musical experience: not so sure... he thinks Norman Hamilton is a racing driver).
Ms ‘Rejshil’ Darmanin Degiorgio – (accountant – there has to be at least one on every board – and a friend of those that matter). (Musical experience: Grade three recorder – tape not reed).
Dr Albert Sicluna Gerada – (distinguished criminal lawyer, businessman and serial member of many and varied government boards). (Musical experience: Was at school with Ira Losco’s father).
Mr Effie Lanfranco – (businessman, property developer and generous benefactor to both of the two main political parties). (Musical experience: Bought VIP seats for the Tina Turner concert on the Fosos in the early 1990s).
Prof. Maurice Taormina Gatt – (philosophy professor at university, businessman and confidante of those that matter). (Musical experience: once, while on holiday in Corfu – and very, very drunk – sang Delilah loudly and out of tune in a karaoke bar).
Rev. Father Geraldus Caligari – (cleric and confessor of some of the top brass). (Musical experience: possesses a passable light baritone voice and is on the board as the obligatory token priest).
Report of official board of enquiry into Malta’s perennial failure to win the Eurovision Song Contest:
The specially constituted board decided that there were several reasons for past failures and almost as many pointers for future success. These are set out below in bullet points:
Reasons for past failures:
Geography: Malta has no close neighbours to guarantee us dooze pwan.
Our composers and lyricists are too sophisticated for Eurovision.
In the past we have frequently been stitched up by commentators like Terry Wogan.
Little Malta simply doesn’t have the funds to pay... ahem... ‘gratuities’ to enough judges.
In the most recent ESC our singer, Kurt Calleja, was handicapped by the show’s Azerbaijani producer choosingunflattering camera angles for his song.
Baku was much too cold for a singer from the Med to give his best.
We frequently fall victim to Mafia conspiracies.
Kurt Calleja was too young... vis the Russian grannies and Engelbert ‘Rumplestink’.
What we should do to win:
Engage Elton John to write and perform the song. Or if Elton’s too busy to do the singing, engage a very, very old artiste. What price Vera Lynn?
Allocate the entire country’s budget to Eurovision. Some for artistes, but the majority for... erm... gratuities.
We should send a much larger delegation to the host country, to accompany our entry. And all of us, on the board of enquiry, are prepared to sacrifice our precious time to be on this delegation. In fact we feel it essential that we should go.
All travel arrangements to the country hosting any particular year’s ESC should be placed in the capable hands of one of Mr Lanfranco’s companies, ‘Way-To-Go-Travel’. Although not necessarily the cheapest, they are sure to give better value.
All of the artistes’ stage clothes should be purchased from Ripoff Textiles Ltd, one of the companies – coincidentally owned by Chevalier Pace Lambert and guaranteeing excellent quality.
The enlarged delegation should – at all times – fly to the host countries by Spartan Air. Which, as most people know, is one of the most efficient in Europe. And this is enhanced by the fact that Dr Albert Scicluna Gerada represents the airline in Malta.
In conclusion we feel that if the above necessary improvements are carried out, Malta will stand an excellent chance of winning the Eurovision Song Contest.