I’ll bet you didn’t even know we had one. Of course, it’s not called the government committee for formulating excuses; I believe they refer to it as: the government committee for explaining policy ‘facts’. The inverted commas are mine. Oh yes, this secret committee meets regularly to put the most advantageous and – hopefully – believable spin on the latest set of government ‘transparencies’.
And – yes you’ve guessed it – I, Sylvanus, have managed to get my grubby little mitts on a copy of the minutes of a recent meeting; so here it is… in glorious monochrome:
Secret minutes of the meeting of February 24, 2017, of the Malta government committee for explaining policy facts:
Present: All those who needed to be there.
The chairperson opened the meeting by asking the hon sec to please ensure that he writes the minutes in invisible ink.
This was agreed to. (What was not agreed to was the fact that same invisible ink is available from toyshops all over Malta and Gozo… as is the antidote.)
Item number one on the agenda: This was an update from committee member X54, who brought the rest of the committee up to date with an extensive explanation as to why the current chairperson of the Broadcasting Authority got the job.
She suggested that the PM has, in her opinion three possible explanations: One: She really does know more about broadcasting than she is letting on. Two: She’s there because she’s a dyed-in-the-wool party hack. Three: Get JM to lie through his teeth about her competence.
Item number two: It’s usually item number one, but familiarity has downgraded it slightly: What to do about Kon of Panamagate fame: One: Make him ambassador to Panama. Two: Pretend nothing happened and hope it simply goes away. Three: Get JM to lie through his teeth about it… again.
What ever happened to Malta Tagħna Lkoll?
Item number three: Related to item number two. How to explain away Kon’s missis and her State-funded stipend: One: Replace her with one of those Chinese terracotta warriors. It would be just as effective and a lot cheaper. Two: Make her ambassador to China. Three: Get JM to lie through his teeth about both her involvement and her stipend.
Item number four: How to explain away Acapulco Chris: One: Legalise prostitution, then make him minister for brothels. Two: Get JM to lie through his teeth about both his deputy’s competence and his sex drive.
Item number five: What ever happened to Malta Tagħna Lkoll? One: It was an election ploy and nobody takes them seriously. Two: It’s still there, just a slight change to Malta Tagħna PL. Three: Get JM to lie through his teeth about ever having said it.
Item number six: How do we excuse yet another floating power station delay: One: Blame the Opposition (A good standby this one). Two: Blame Kon – why not… everybody else does. Three: Get JM to lie through his teeth that there is no delay, merely more safety checks to undergo.
Item number seven: How do we get rid of the Gaffarena affair once and for all? One: Claim that everything was above board and all the subsequent fuss was instigated by the Opposition media and DCG. Two: Plead temporary insanity and hope at least the die-hard government supporters will believe you. Three: Get JM to lie through his teeth and claim he knew nothing about the deal… until it was signed and sealed.
Item number eight: How do we ensure that we’ll get at least another five years in office, to really clean up? One: Do what every other government does and fiddle the electoral boundaries. Two: Give the duty of counting the votes to PriceWaterhouseCoopers… they are bound to cock it up, allowing us to reinstate the status quo. Three: Get JM to postpone the general election indefinitely, in the interests of stability.
Item number nine: How do we explain what Cyrus E is all about? One, two and three: You don’t… life’s too short.”