“Good evening and welcome to the Effie Benzema show. Where a succession of loonies and ne’er-do-wells phone in with their pig ignorant complaints and rants against everything from Malta’s attitude to mass immigration to the best recipe for ħobz biż-żejt.
And first up on the line we have… Challie from Ħal Qormi… għidli Chal…”
“Lissin… Mistair Benzema –”
“Dottore… Benzema jekk jogħġbok.”
“Skuzani… Dottore… Plizz I want to say you sumpting from what I seen they bring it on the tivee last week. They say it must come the ‘adenoid’ from outer spaces to kresh with the earth… Plizz can you tell me if forsi it land near my house fil Ħal Qormi, għax if it do so I must make it the insyooryance from it, mhux hekk?”
“Ee my goodness, how ignorant you are. Why you not go down near the xatt fil Birgu and go jump off into the sea… baħnan! Next!”
Bonġu Dott… Jien I is Gracie minn Isla. Ħ’anajdlekk… I think you is make it the avukaat jew?”
“Iva… kompli.”
“Mela, my husband Wenz say me he like me with the hair… she is yellow hekk. Imma my friend Taylor, she say me that since I got it the darkish Malta looks… even I got them the black eyebrow and the black hairs under my arms and – everywhere else… I look stupid from it. What do you think Dott?”
“Personalment, I think that since you are obviously a fat peroxide blonde ħamalla, with no taste and absolutely no style, you’ll look stupid whatever you do… next caller.”
You are obviously a non-person with a brain the size of a mentally maladjusted mosquito
“Good evening Doktor Benzema.”
“Get on with it.”
“I have a bit of a political problem.”
“Don’t we all. Kompli.”
“At the last election, instead of as usual giving my vote to the Najxonalisti… I switched and voted for tal-Lejbair for the first time in my life Now, I need a favour from the ministair for fixing and arranging… to get me the job tal-gvern. Imma… my family is known as staunch Najxonalisti. How must I make him believe I switched to Lejbair?”
“X’afarjied dawn! Don’t you know what you must do? No, obviously not. Idiot! When dealing with someone as corrupt as the minister for fixing and arranging, you must start to cultivate him weeks… months before you need a favour. I have no sympathy; you are obviously a non-person with a brain the size of a mentally maladjusted mosquito. Get off the line! Next caller.”
“Sinjur.”
“Minn inti?”
“Giovann.”
“Għidli.”
“I’m really worried about the Eurovision Song Contest.”
“Ah at last with a serious and vitally important point to make. Go on.”
“See, I’m worried that Ira Losco may be a bit too young and inexperienced for the really tough world of the Eurovision. I think they should have chosen someone a little bit older like Mary Spiteri.”
“A bit older? That’s a bit like saying Matteo Renzi is a bit young to be Prime Minister of Italy, they should have gone with Garibaldi… next!”
“Is-Sur Benzema – ”
“Doktor… jekk jogħbok.”
“Ehe. Jien I live in the Manikata and if I must take the bus to the Paceville, it is very hard.”
“Why?”
“Għax it only run every 10 hours… if then. What must I do?”
“You are obviously a very lazy person. Walk, for goodness sake. It’s not far. Or if you’re too idle to do so… get a bike.”
“Imma, I’m 94 years old.”
“Well, you should have said so in the first place. At that age you are far too ancient to go clubbing anyway. What I suggest is this: get the next bus heading for Paceville, then get off in Kappara and play chicken with the traffic on the Regional Road. That should quickly solve your problem… next!”
“Good evening; I am very worried – ”
“Good evening very worried, I am Doktor Effy Benzema.”
“I would like to know what you think are the possibilities of the UK voting to leave the EU?”
“I’m not going to answer that.”
“Why?”
“Because it gives me no opportunity to be flippant, dismissive, provocative or downright offensive. Get off the line.
And that’s it for this time… tune in again next week for more in-depth discussion on matters of great importance to all of us. Good night.”