There is, apparently, an official highway code in Malta. But one need not worry about that. Here are the rules for people who want to drive in Malta:

1. Forget the indicators or just leave them on. For a more dramatic effect, use the opposite indicator to the direction you actually want to turn.

2. When someone is waiting to come out of a side street that you want to turn left into, on no account should you indicate. This really upsets the person who is waiting patiently.

3. On roundabouts, cut across the front of other cars who are behind you on the roundabout. This denies them the possibility of overtaking you and also upsets them. Remember, the road was built just for you and no one else. Another excellent manoeuvre is to approach the roundabout in the left lane if you are turning right, and the right lane if you are turning left.

4. If someone in front of you on a roundabout forgets about rule number 3 and gives you space to their right, then overtake them and cut in abruptly in front of them at the exit. If possible, time this action so they simply run out of road. Expect lots of horn blowing on this one.

5. Use your horn all the time. This is most effective in towns and villages. The people here just love the noise of horns.

6. When driving through narrow village streets, do not slow down for anything, especially blind corners. Just blow your horn and keep going at the same speed. If possible buy a horn which produces a high-pitched noise which penetrates even double glazing.

7. If you meet someone on a narrow street, make sure you speed up so you force them to reverse, not you. It’s not their road after all.

8. Disregard pedestrians. If they can’t afford a car they are beneath you and worthy only of contempt. You can really show this contempt on pedestrian crossings. It shows you really understand this rule if you force them to run to safety. This same rule applies to cyclists who are completely beneath your contempt.

9. Do not under any circumstances slow down as you approach a roundabout, especially when your view to the right is hidden by bushes and trees. No one else should be on your roundabout anyway.

10. Finally, remember the basic rule that the roads were built just for you. If you pull out in front of someone or cut them up on a roundabout and they get angry and blow their horn at you, you are entitled to shout, scream, wave your arms and make signals at them with an extended finger. Engine revving and wheel spinning is acceptable here too. They will not understand that they, who have just been cut up, are completely in the wrong because it is your road, not theirs. You must educate them by using rule 10 as often as possible.

Follow these rules and you will fit in perfectly with the driving habits of Malta. Bon voyage.