It doesn’t happen often, so I trust you’ll excuse me if I crow just a teensy, weensy bit. Because... I, Sylvanus, have landed a scoop. Don’t ask me how, I just did. I have managed to get my grubby little mitts on one of ‘Pasta’ (That is how you spell it, right?) Joe Godwin Manqué’s sermons... and here it is:

“Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the sight of the other infallible one. (I am, of course, also infallible, which is why I refer to the “other” infallible one)... but I digresseth... to take as our text for today: ‘Thou shalt not do unto others what I... and the other infallible one... deem inappropriate.’

For it hath come to my knowledge that unseemly happenings are... er, happening in this fair land. Yea, verily it is said that all is not well in the simple yet complex world of the gerbil community. For so it is writ in the good book – no, not that appalling rag, The Da Vinci Code. I am referring to my own code for clean, ethical living: The Rev Joe Godwin Manqué Book of Goodness (Available from all fabulous booksellers, newsagents and to download on Kindle, at the knockdown price of just €56).

“It is writ in the good book that: A female gerbil shall not lie down with another female gerbil. Likewise, a male gerbil shall neither get fruity with one of his own... persuasion (I can’t bring myself to say that salacious word sex).

“For it hath come to pass that the powers-that-be... otherwise known as Il-Gvern, hath decreed that it shall be permissible for gerbils of the same... persuasion to cohabit within the bounds of legal rodent matrimony. And if this weren’t bad enough, they shall henceforth also be permitted to raise within the structure of their ‘family’... alien gerbils begat by alien parents... unconnected to those gerbils doing the raising.

Blessed be they that kick against the powers that be... especially the ones that voted for this law in Parliament

“My friends, this is enough to bring the whole of the sophisticated fabric of our 21st century crashing down around our collective heads. No two gerbils of the same... persuasion should ever be permitted to cohabit within the same cage, or horror of horrors... within the same mating box.

“This is going totally against the accepted order of creation. This is an affront to all gerbils that followeth the normal norms of behaviour. Oh cursed be they that walketh in the footsteps of Satan and blessed be they that kick against the powers that be... especially the ones that voted for this law in Parliament.

“For though there may be those that doubteth the inalienable fact that there existeth on this earth those that disputeth that there existeth gerbils upon which hath been bestowed unnatural tendencies of a truly bestial nature. Such gerbils do – sadly darken our collective doorsteps. And my friends, it is of little comfort that... being of the same gender, procreation is both unlikely and indeed nigh impossible. The fact that they tryeth is bad enough.

“For it is written – in the good book (The same one I mentioned earlier: The Rev Joe Godwin Manqué Book of Goodness) (I’m now also doing mail order... same price – plus postage and packing ‘The Infallible one doth decree that liaison between male and female gerbils shall be for the sole purpose of begetting offspring of same... so there!’

“Goodness me, are these lowly creatures forgetting their predestined station in life? Their position in the normal, accepted order of things? My friends, our furry companion, the common or garden gerbil hath a pre-destined function in life. For it is writ that it shall be both eternally cute and snuffly and provide interesting entertainment.

“And so... finally... I call on those who have misguidedly decreed that gerbils of the same persuasion may both co-habit and enjoy the same rights as normal, healthy, hetero-sex – er persuasive gerbils shall repent.

“Repent, I say... repent. The day of reckoning is nigh!”