I’ve finally figured out what Roy Hodgson’s cunning master plan is – to make England so boring none of us will even care if they make it to Brazil or not.
Last week I suggested four points from two games was the bare minimum that would be acceptable from England’s two latest World Cup qualifying matches. Sure enough, four points was exactly what we got – nothing more, nothing less. And that is becoming the theme under the current England manager.
I accept that Hodgson was missing a number of key players for the matches against Moldova and Ukraine. Equally I appreciate that his overwhelming priority in Kiev was not to lose (because of the position his managerial tactics had put England in).
What I can’t accept, however, is that England have become a boring, unadventurous and predictable team with all the attacking threat of the British Parliament.
How is it possible a squad that includes the likes of Wayne Rooney, Theo Walcott, Daniel Sturridge, Steven Gerrard, Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, Jack Wilshere, Frank Lampard, Danny Wellbeck and numerous other attack-minded players has not managed a single victory in this qualifying campaign against any of the serious teams? And I use the word ‘serious’ in the loosest possible context.
Wins over the likes of San Marino and Moldova are not impressive, they are merely expected. But to draw all your games with Ukraine, Poland and Montenegro just shows that this dull and insipid style of football doesn’t work when it needs to.
Against Ukraine on Tuesday England were painful to watch. Yes, they got the point they needed, but it was quite obvious to even the most casual observer that all three points were there for the taking.
Had they been more adventurous, played a more attacking line-up, then they could easily have walked out of the Olympic Stadium with a three-point lead at the top of the group. As it is, they now need to win both their remaining games to ensure their fate remains in their own hands.
I’ve said this many times before but it still holds true – I don’t mind seeing the club side I support grinding out draws if it helps improve their league position. But when it comes to the national team, the crème de la crème of English football, I expect to be properly entertained.
Hodgson’s old-fashioned, mind-achingly defensive approach is turning the Three Lions’ roar into the three librarians’ whisper
Unfortunately, it is now extremely obvious that Hodgson doesn’t see his role as someone who should bring joy and pleasure to the people that watch the national team. He thinks managing England is some sort of mathematical equation and all that matters in the end is that the sum of the group games equals qualification.
I agree that is the ultimate goal but, as in so many things in life, how you get there and what you do when you get there, is as important as where you are going.
And England are getting there* by playing football that makes your teeth itch.
Do I have any doubts that Hodgson will lead England to Brazil? No, not many. But do I really want to go there with him in charge? No, not really.
His old-fashioned and mind-achingly defensive approach is gradually turning the Three Lions’ roar into the three librarians’ whisper.
And, barring a miracle, England will be taken apart by teams that play fluent, attacking and entertaining football next summer.
*possibly
Carry on doctors
For the most part, football physiotherapists are unassuming characters who get on with their job quietly and with little fuss.
They dash on to the pitch wielding their magic spray and restore life to players who moments earlier looked like they were at death’s door. (In the old days, of course, their healing method of choice was a bucket of water and a sponge, which also had miraculous powers).
But they do all of this without ever really stealing the limelight or making a name for themselves. It’s one of the few key roles in football that doesn’t come with a great deal of glamour, fame or recognition. Which makes it all the more unusual that we have had not one, but two of them in the headlines over the past few days.
The German national team’s long-time physio, Klaus Eder, got his 30 seconds of fame when he slipped while sprinting on to the pitch to treat an injured player. In the process, he managed to not only tear a muscle in his leg but also break a finger, and had to be helped off the pitch by the players, an interesting twist on normal procedure.
But while Eder may have been unlucky to get his name in the papers, a physio in Brazil found a much more dramatic way to get himself noticed – by actually intervening in a game.
A crucial play-off match between Aparecidence and Tupi was in its dying moments with the former set to go through on away goals. Tupi launched a final assault on their opponent’s goal and looked to have made the breakthrough they desperately craved when a shot headed towards the net with the keeper stranded.
However, the Aparecidence physio, who had been standing by the post, had other ideas and stuck out a leg to clear the ball off the line. If that wasn’t enough he then threw himself to the floor to scramble away another goal-bound shot.
The Tupi players were a tiny bit annoyed, as you would imagine, and chased the offending physio round the pitch before he escaped through a stadium door being guarded by armed police.
Although the match officials took no action at the time, Tupi plan to take the matter to court, and you can’t imagine that the result will be allowed to stand.
Meanwhile, the physio himself has gone into hiding, which is a shame, as Arsene Wenger was rumoured to be interested in signing him as a replacement for Wojciech Szczesny.
Wrong direction
We all know that politics and sport don’t mix, but it would appear showbiz and football can be equally uncomfortable bedfellows.
There was a charity match recently, organised by former Aston Villa midfielder Stiliyan Petrov, to raise money for his cancer foundation.
One of the celebrities taking part was Louis Tomlinson from boy band One Direction. His inclusion ensured there would be a boost in attendance as thousands of squealing teenage girls turned up for their first ever football match.
But it didn’t go according to plan for Tomlinson who was tackled by Gabriel Agbonlahor and had to be substituted. (In a rather unmanly move, he then threw up on the sidelines, but that’s a different story).
Of course, these things happen in football. Players get accidentally injured in just about every single match ever played. And there was nothing even remotely nasty about Agbonlahor’s challenge.
What generally doesn’t happen, though, is that the person who carried out the tackle is subsequently subjected to death threats on Twitter.
Tomlinson’s army of overly protective fans were so outraged that anybody could even think of hurting their delicate hero that they used the social networking site to send startlingly viscous tweets to Agbonlahor, one threatening to remove his private bits, for example.
The mind boggles.
A few weeks ago it was announced that Tomlinson had signed as a non-contract player for Doncaster Rovers in what was obviously a clever publicity stunt by the club but never likely to result in him playing for the first team.
But after what happened at Celtic Park, they may want to think about actually sticking Tomlinson in the first 11 – opponents will be scared to tackle the lad in case they find their homes surrounded by screaming teenagers wielding pitchforks.
sportscolumnist@timesofmalta.com
Twitter: @maltablade