I learnt two new words this week. One is lackadaisical and the other is listicle. One is listless, the other is listy.
Lackadaisical, which is pronounced /lakəˈdeɪzɪk(ə)l/, means lacking enthusiasm. Listicle which rhymes with popsicle and another word which starts with t, the size of which most Maltese men are obsessed with, is a piece of writing presented in the form of a list.
I never knew there was an official word to describe news information laid out like a shopping list, you know the kind: ‘0.2 Reasons for believing Konrad Mizzi’ or ‘2001 reasons for not believing Konrad Mizzi’ or ‘21 Photos to restore your faith in humanity’.
In the world, these listicles were made popular by Buzzfeed; here, by that growing online phenomenon Lovin Malta.
When Maltese people log online, they tend to follow this pattern: first they fact check the news on timesofmalta, then they click on Daphne’s Running Commentary for the juicy updates and to check Baxxter’s latest wisdom, and then they go on Facebook. Now, at some point in this pattern, another site is being slotted in: Lovin Malta. It is primarily an advertorial platform, but it is spiced up with clever fun newsbits which helps us restore faith in, erm, the Maltese character.
So in their own style, here are six reasons why I love Lovin’ Malta:
1. It has passionate articles about migration, civil liberties and issues which are close to people’s heart, so it’s like Xarabank without the noise pollution.
2. It gives a new, easier, dimension to Malta Today’s Explainers and helps those of us suffering from increasingly short concentration spans.
3. It channels the toddler in us and uses lots of pictures and videos so we really get it.
4. It loves the Eurovision
5. They say La Valette not de Valette
6. They have Chucky Bartolo, who is the author of such gems as: ‘Which Ira Losco are you?’; ‘7 ways the Maltese have all felt like St Paul’; and ‘8 Lessons you learn when waiting for a bus in Malta’.
First, Maltese people fact check the news on timesofmalta, then they click on Daphne’s Running Commentary for the juicy updates
(Who is this Chucky? Is that his real name? I love him. I’m sure he’s not one, but two generations younger than me, which makes him a post-millennial, which means that if as a Generation X, I had to ask for his autograph, he’d look at me like I was asking him to paint a stick man on cave rock. So in millennial language: Chucky can I take a Snapchat selfie with you, like, sometime?)
Lovin Malta stole my topic this week. I wanted to write about the de Valette’s sword which is coming back to Malta in March, but witty Chucky came up with the ‘Places We Can Hide La Valette’s Sword To Never Give It Back’ listicle:
• Redact the loan contract so heavily, the French won’t be able to find the return date.
• Hide it under a Gozitan’s tiles (or mattress).
• Give it to Nexia BT. They’ll know exactly where to hide it.
• Stick it onto Caravaggio’s Beheading of St John.
• Bury it in Cacopardo’s eyebrows.
Titter, titter. But oh, why did they not follow up with another equally important listicle: Things Maltese people will do when they go to the Louvre now that the xabla is gone? Without it, there’s no point in Paris.
And there’s another crucial listicle: The Six Uses of the Mighty Sword. Do you think Grandmaster de Valette slashed the evil Dragut’s head with it? Wrong. Do you think he slayed the mighty Pali Pasha with it? Wrong again.
The sword was given to the Grand Master by King Philippe II of Spain for his leadership in the Great Siege of 1565 after the battle, which means he only used it:
• to trim his beard
• as a toothpick
•to practise swashbuckling in front of the mirror and then blow on the tip of the dagger and go “Valette, the name is Valette”.
• as his bed teddybear
• as a chat up line: “Let me show you something”
• to go “Swordy, Swordy on the wall who’s the prettiest of us all?”
All of this makes you think: why did we become so attached to it? Well, because for 200 years, every September 8, it was carried out of the Grand Master’s Palace, in a very grand procession, to mark the day when the Great Siege was lifted. This was done till 1797 when that miniature French General Napoleon Bonaparte came to Malta and put it in his pocket.
It is said that Bonaparte was particularly fond of our dagger and carried it around as a talisman. Here’s Three Places where Napoleon kept the Stolen Dagger:
• In his jacket pocket and was always OCD-ishly checking it was still there.
• In his trousers pocket but he was so short that the sword point tickled his ankle.
• Under his hat.
It ended up in the Louvre in 1840 and has never left Paris. And we have been very emotional about it since: “Not fair! That’s ours!”
Now finally it will be here in March. It’s no time to be lackadaisical. Lovin Malta, you must give us Six Reasons Why we have to Flock to the Airport to Greet it Raucously.
krischetcuti@gmail.com
Twitter: @KrisChetcuti