Yet again, the sage of Valletta, Sylvanus… aka Old Bore… brings you a fully authenticated preview of the major happenings in our islands for the next 12 months. And be sure it will all come to pass… well most of it… OK, some of it… or – well anyway… enjoy:
January:
A woman found wandering lost in Valletta and asking the way to Old Theatre Street, turns out to be the new CEO of the Manoel Theatre. Konrad Mizzi sets up yet another clandestine company, this time as the sole importer of genuine Panama hats. Government sources state that, from now on it will be compulsory for all members of the judiciary to be card-carrying members of Partit Laburista. Since Alitalia pulled out of the Air Malta deal, our national airline is now reported to be in consultation with the Russian Mickey Mouse carrier Aeroflot.
February:
Whatever George Vella says, the Planning Authority grants permission for the Gasan/Fenech consortium to construct another 30 storey tower block... this time in central Paceville overlooking the Hilton complex. Edward Zammit Lewis has his smartphone and laptop confiscated to stop him sending e-mails to the wrong people. A full-length photo of Glen Bedwetter wearing nothing but an abdominal support, appears on the front page of It-Torċa. We assume that this is what is meant when the PM claims Bedwetter is a person of “truss”. Franco Debono decides to self-publish his GCSE results.
March:
An internal memo, seen by Old Bore, states that all members of academia, from the chancellor of the university, via heads of all schools, including private and Church schools, through to caretakers and cleaners… must henceforth be card-carrying members of PL. The Prime Minister acquires a brand new, top-of-the range pair of Nike trainers, which he hopes will enable him to outrun any journalists lying in wait to ask him awkward questions. Aeroflot is reported to be unwilling to do a deal with Air Malta. Malta’s national airline now thought to be in talks with Congo Air.
Edward Zammit Lewis has his smartphone and laptop confiscated to stop him sending e-mails to the wrong people
April:
Sai Mizzi Laing surprisingly returns to Malta to open a new Chinese restaurant. Called the “Chow Mean” it serves minute portions at sky-high prices. Ms Mizzi Laing categorically denies that this is in any way a metaphor for her time spent working for the Malta government. The PM’s wife Meeshell returns from an all-expenses paid vacation as a guest of the wives of the Sultan of Brunei. In a sop to the local Curia, the Ministry of Health promises that every consignment of the morning- after-pill will be well beyond its sale-by date, before being made available to the public. Mario Philip Azzopardi elected president of Valletta’s St Wistin Band Club.
May:
The Planning Authority grants permission for the Gasan/Fenech consortium to construct yet another tower... this time 42 storeys and situated in St George’ Square, Valletta overlooking the Palace. Varist Bartolo is treated in Mater Dei for short-term memory loss. In government circles it is an open secret that any member of the Civil Service intent on reaching its higher echelons must henceforth ensure that they are fully paid-up, card-carrying members of PL. Franco Debono sets up a photo-op of himself presenting a hardback copy of his GCSE results to the President at the Palace in Valletta.
June:
When Konrad Mizzi rises to his feet in church to read a lesson, the PN members of the congregation walk out en bloc. Mrs Meeshell Muscat returns from London, where she was attending a banquet in her honour as a guest of the Queen of England at Buckingham Palace. It’s no deal for Air Malta with Congo Air, so now they change continents to try to persuade Panama Airlines to play ball. Why not, some of us are already deeply involved with Panama anyway. Jeffrey Pulliccino Orlando finally gets his Mistra disco. Unsurprisingly, he decides to name it… what else but… Switchers.
July:
July 1: The PA demolishes 50 illegally constructed ‘boathouses’ in Delimara.
July 2: Work begins on rebuilding the 50 illegally-constructed boathouses in Delimara (complete with added swimming pools and outdoor landscaping). Minister Chris Cardona moves his office across Valletta to the Stable Pub. Well, he might as well spend more time there than in his previous HQ. A spokesman for Vitals Global Healthcare denies that they are not even fit to run a booze-up in a brewery, let alone run three Maltese hospitals; he says: “Just show me the brewery and I’ll soon get the booze-up going.” Malta succeeds Romania as the EU country with the worst roads. In mitigation the PM explains: “Yes, but we still have the best road safety record in the EU and you can’t have it both ways.”
August:
Glen Bedwetter leaves his job in Castille as blogger to the PM to take up yet another position as a “person of trust”, as chief timpana taster to the PM. A job for which Mr Bedwetter is infinitely well qualified. After yet more damaging Panamagate revelations implicating Konrad Mizzi, the Prime Minister sacks Mizzi as Minister without portfolio… but still retains him in the cabinet as Minister for absolutely sod-all… with an office in Castille and a brief to ensure that that floating bomb in Marsaxlokk Bay doesn’t blow up or burst its moorings. That cultural colossus Owen Bonnici announces that, from now on, any musician wishing to join the National Philharmonic Orchestra must also be a card-carrying fully paid-up member of PL. Karmenu Mifsud Bonnici demands that “Chuwsef” Muscat’s cabinet should henceforth contain at least one minister who is an active member of ISIS.
September:
The Planning Authority grants permission for the Gasan/Fenech consortium to construct… yes… another “imposing” tower. This time 53 storeys and to be built in Cathedral Square, Mdina. The national football team lose four – nil at home to Luxembourg in a World Cup qualifier, a result which the Malta coach describes as “extremely positive.” The Malta team comprises seven Africans, three Croatians and a Pole… however, there were two real Maltese on the bench, along with some more Africans, a couple of Serbs and a Brazilian. Leli Parascandalo, 57, a stonemason and PL member of Benghisah local council is appointed curator in chief of the Fine Arts Museum in Valletta. Another mystery in the Panamagate affair is solved when – as we suspected all along – the real owner of Egrant Ltd is Santa Claus.
October:
Franco Debono’s recently published GCSE results are shortlisted for the Mann Booker prize for fiction. Phillip Rizzo and Varist Bartolo kiss and make up live on Xarabank. Air Malta draws another blank with Panama Airlines. Desperation makes them now look to British Virgin Island Airways… for similar reasons to those that made them try Panama. The OPM categorically denies that the reason Joe Debono Grech has not handed in his tax returns is because the poor old soul is now too confused to fill in his tax form. Chris Cardona renounces alcohol and becomes teetotal… (No forget that one, it’s never going to happen.)
November:
In a press conference, the minister for “culture” Owen Bonnici announces that the two flagship “cultural” events he is organising for V18 will be a meg-production of that great classic drama Żeża tal Flagship at the open-to-the-elements White Elephant theatre in Valletta and a star-studded, lavish production of Ġensna at the same venue... weather permitting. Meeshell Muscat returns from yet another glamorous sojourn. This time in the White House, Washington, as the VIP guest of Melania Trump… who else? In a revised Paceville Development plan there is a proposal to drive a six-lane highway straight through the middle of the “entertainment” area. Nobody objects. Marlene Farrugia and her Partit Demokratiku join forces with Alternativa Demokratika. AD chairperson Arnold Cassola says: “Finally Marlene has realised that together we will definitely win the next election.”… er…
December:
Air Malta abandons all hope of ever finding a partner airline to save it from liquidation, so it turns instead to grounding its fleet, converting each airliner into luxury condos and selling the lot off to Individual Investor Programme purchasers of Malta passports. In a gesture in line with the government’s policy of looking after its own, Eddie Privitera is awarded the Ġieħ ir-Repubbika, for services to the letters pages of the print media. The government throws a mega-celebration concert to usher in Malta’s presidency of the EU. Sadly the de facto organiser Lou Bondi is absent, allegedly still vacationing in Acapulco. However, a government spokes-person states that the celebration could not have gone ahead without Mr Bondi’s input… although she was unable to say what that input comprised. Philip Rizzo and Varist enter into a civil partnership together and both live happily ever after. Altogether now: “Aaaaaaaah!”
And finally, as always… A Very Happy New Year to both my readers.