I would like to take this opportunity to thank Go for taking one for the team. A very nice man – I forget his name – phoned me up from Go’s head office to tender his sincerest apologies and refund the splitters sold to me by mistake. Such generosity is quite humbling. It makes me want to adopt a koala, sing along to We Are The World and rehash that pottery scene from the film Ghost.

Seriously, it is a bit disappointing that nothing was offered in the way of compensation for that whole week I spent giving CPR to my flat-lining DSL connection. A bag of honey-roasted cashews would have been nice. Maybe a Lionel Richie CD? How about a Pink Floyd poster? But I wasn’t going to make a scene. There were children in the Go outlet and an outburst would surely have warped their fragile little minds. Twenty years from now, they’d all be writing letters to The Times and being glib, and that’d be tragic! So, don’t rob a bank on my account, you hear? I hope you have just as much luck getting your money back from that Forthnet deal.