Description: This one defines rudimentary. A circular room constructed from sticks and mud-brick. A roof of reeds and jungle repels the sunlight. Oh, and you sleep on the ground. But the mud hut is as authentic as you can get.
Inside, you realise that the nearest concrete monstrosity is way out of sight, and perhaps the entire world was once like this.
Usually found: All over rural Africa.
Classic travel story: “Sleeping in the Zulu village was a unique experience. I fell asleep to the sound of rampaging wild animals… and woke to an army of humongous ants devouring my leg hair.”
The colonial classic
Description: Yes, the colonial classic looks good. Among its neighbouring buildings, this one stands proud and shameless. Built by the powerful master a few centuries ago, its intricate ceilings, large balconies, and old school mystique is enough to seduce any traveller. But old buildings are often not well-maintained, and the tempting exterior often masks interiors of mould, stained sheets, and crumbling walls.
Usually found: Third-World countries still recovering from having all their natural resources stolen.
Classic travel story: “I had been mesmerised by the white marble and fallen in love. It looked like a palace, especially compared to the rubbish-laden street. Although the paint was peeling off the walls I still felt like a princess lying in bed.
“But what was that? I sniffed again and now I couldn’t escape it. Delhi’s main sewage pipe was flowing underneath our feet.”
The wannabe backpackers
Description: Loved by some, hated by others, the backpacker hostel has been the mainstay of budget travel for ever. Sensing an opportunity, local rednecks have started converting their farmhouses and calling them ‘backpackers’, knowing this word will attract intrepid Europeans.
The wannabe backpacker retains the classic dirty dorms and filthy bathrooms, yet doesn’t understand that these must be compensated by colourful communal chill-out areas and a friendly atmosphere.
Usually found in: Rural towns across the world, particularly those in countries without direct flights to Europe.
Classic travel story: “Travelling without a guidebook I always relied on local travel advice. I began asking the owner questions, trying to finalise my route. Hoshould I know, he replied, I haven’t left this town since 1976.”
The soulless chain
Description: Remember when drab grey concrete was briefly popular as somehow the world was convinced that it actually looked good. Unscrupulous hotel chains have been riding this wave of stupidity for decades. They advertise convenience and value, and deliver 100 rooms decorated in the same dreary style, right down to the cheap lampshades imported from China.
Usually found in: Cities all over the world, and beside every airport.
Classic travel story: “The corridor lights had been dimmed to save money but I managed to find my swipe card to open the door. I checked around: miniscule bottles of stinking shampoo, barely enough space to undress; vulgar, flowery duvet cover noticeable in the gloom. It looked like my room, until I climbed into bed and felt someone else’s feet.”
The bamboo shack
Description: This eastern delight is built on stilts. Bamboo sticks are bound together to make walls, often leaving tiny gaps to emit sunlight. The bamboo shack produces jealously-inducing photos.
Usually found: Tropical parts of Asia, but more specifically, the places where posses of mosquitoes leave your ankles scarred.
Classic travel story: “It was perfect. Sunset over the lake had soothed our soul and the mosquito net was repelling the blood suckers. Cuddling up naked with my girlfriend I noticed a pair of eyes. And another. And another.
“Our bamboo shack was surrounded by inquisitive locals, peering through the gaps to find out what a ‘white one’ looked like.”