“Ah good morning, is that Pony Express Processed Foods Ltd?”

Our Italian Stallion brand frozen lasagne has been endorsed by no less an iconic patriot, gourmet and adopted son of Valletta... than Peter Andre

“Yes indeed it is madame, what can we do for you?”

“Well it’s about your Morning Gallop beefburgers.”

(Pregnant pause)

“What about ’em?”

“I bought some this morning from Flogwise Supermarket and I’m only now reading the contents on the packet.”

“So?”

“So... and I quote: ‘Morning Gallop beefburgers are made from only pure ingredients.’”

“Absolutely madame. The purest of the pure.”

“But it doesn’t say what they are... and that’s why I’m telephoning you; I want to know exactly what’s in them. They are labelled as beefburgers, but is there anything else in them... apart from... well, beef?”

“Madame, I can assure you that our Morning Gallop beefburgers are made from nothing less than prime steak... and seasoning, of course. You may take it that what it says on the packet is exactly what is inside that packet.”

“Prime steak, you say?”

“Nothing less, madame. Our firm’s reputation is sealed in along with each packet of Morning Gallop burgers.”

“But steaks of what, beef or, um, horse?”

“I’m sorry to say this to you, madame, but are you insinuating that our premium quality Morning Gallop beefburgers contain anything other than prime beef steak?”

“Erm... well, what is in them then?”

“I reiterate, nothing but the very best prime steak.”

“Well, if you’re sure... what about your Italian Stallion brand frozen lasagne?”

“Ah, you mean our flagship product... loved and enjoyed by people throughout the Maltese islands?”

“Never mind about that; what I want to know is what’s in it? Proper beef mince or the mashed up bits of some old nag who trailed in last in the Trotters’ Derby at the Marsa last week?”

“Oh purleeze! I cannot believe I’m hearing this. Madame, I’ll have you know that our Italian Stallion brand frozen lasagne has been endorsed by no less an iconic patriot, gourmet and adopted son of Valletta... than Peter Andre.”

“Beef or horse?”

“Neither, madame, he is pure ham. Oh I see what you mean... Erm, have you tried our Shergar cannelloni?”

“Beef or horse?”

“Or our Donkey Derby shepherd’s pie?”

“Beef or horse?”

“Then maybe you’d salivate copiously for our Champion’s Hurdle frozen beefsteak pie?”

“Beef or... horse?”

“Or maybe you’d prefer –”

“ – You disgust me!”

“I beg your –”

“These so-called pure steak products are just the tip of the ‘iceburger’ aren’t they.”

“Madame, I assure –”

“Don’t bother, I’ll send this packet of your Morning Gallop so-called beef... burgers to my son.”

“Well I hope he enjoys them more than you seem to be doing.”

“I doubt he will, he’s a qualified food chemist, working in the field of bogus or counterfeit meat products.”

(Gulp) “Is he now? Is he really?”

“Yes, I’m afraid... for you... he is – and I’m sure he’d like to get his teeth, metaphorically speaking, into your product.”

“Erm... you did say you were enquiring about our prime quality, de luxe Aberdeen Angus guaranteed 100 per cent Scottish-reared beef premium luxury burgers, didn’t you?”

“No, you idiot. I am enquiring about your cheap and nasty Morning Gallop beefburgers... as well you know.”

“Whoops! So sorry, madame, there seems to have been a complete misunderstanding between us. I thought you were querying the provenance of our: by appointment to Her Majesty the Carnival Queen grade prime quality, de luxe Aberdeen Angus guaranteed 100 per cent Scottish-reared beef premium luxury burgers. Because these are all beef... as the astronomic price should have told you.

“But... since you seem to have gone for the cheapo, cheapo option of our Morning Gallop burger... then yes, there may just possibly be a smidgen of steed in there... just a smidgen, mind.

“Now if you’d told me straight away that you were complaining about our budget burger I would have been able to... hullo!... Hullo... gone. Isn’t it amazing, some people are so choosey.”