It had to happen sooner or later, I, Sylvanus have got a real scoop. Yes, a world first.

I have managed to obtain – please don’t ask me how – English-language transcripts of those mobile phone calls from world leaders, which had been monitored and recorded by the National Security Agency in the US.

Furthermore... in addition to the transcripts, additional comments are also written by one of the top NSA spymasters (in italics). Read on and marvel:

Mobile call made on August 19 at 4.35pm, by German Chancellor on her personal smartphone to her husband Joachim, translated into English (sort of

“Joachim, I am so sorry mien lieber, I have to work late at the Chancellery tonight. So I’m afraid I’ll be late home... again. I am so busy right now – and then next week I have to travel to Warsaw for a conference with mien allies.

“Vill you be an angel and run me a hot bath for vhen I get home.” (Bath... water. Could this be a coded order to mobilise the U-boat fleet in the Atlantic and the Med?)

“Then afterwards we can sit by a roaring fire... and enjoy a schnapps together.” (Top priority: Inform the President without delay... although on second thoughts, keep this to yourself until things flare up and the Brits and their allies are getting the upper hand. Then we’ll join in, all guns blazing – and once victory is assured, we’ll do what we always do and claim all the credit.)

But Angela Merkel wasn’t the only leader to get fingered by the NSA, they also put a wire on François Hollande, the President of France – and also a long-time ally of the US.

Landline call made from the Elysée Palace by President François Hollande on his ‘secure’ personal telephone: “Good morning, put me through to my banquetting chef please. Ah Olivier it is you, I wasn’t sure... it’s concerning dinner tomorrow evening for the visiting British Prime Minister.

It probably won’t come as a surprise to inform you that this insidious electronic intrusion has spread far beyond friendly European leaders

“I’d like to go over the menu you propose, if you don’t mind. I see you are suggesting paté de fois gras as an hors d’oevres. Yes, I think that would be excellent. (Excellent? Mashed-up poultry offal? Why not give him some good ol’ American hominy grits?)

“And for the fish course... sole mornay, fine. (No it isn’t fine! What’s wrong with McDonald's fish ‘feelay’?)

For the main, I like your idea of making him feel at home with a steak and kidney pie. After all, we French do rather look down on the Brits and call them Les Rosbif. (Look, if you’re going to give him beef, do it properly and serve the man a decent Texas Longhorn steak.)

Finishing off with apple pie and cream. (At last! That’s the first decent thing on the menu). Oh, and to accompany the food, I know he happens to enjoy a beer with his meal, so maybe you could order in some English ale.” (No, no, no, no, no, no, no. who drinks disgusting luke-warm British pee when he could... and should be drinking Buds?)

It probably won’t come as a surprise to inform you that this insidious electronic intrusion has spread far beyond friendly European leaders. I also have in my hands the transcript of a call made by the far from friendly leader of North Korea... again with the spymaster’s comments.

Call made to the chief of the armed forces of North Korea by the ‘sweet’ leader Kim Jong Un: “Listen to me, Cho, I want you to gear up for a full-scale military assault on the western seaboard of the filthy imperialist state of the USA. (Sounds like pretty mundane stuff so far... certainly nothing we should be concerned about.)

“If necessary, make ready as many of our nuclear weapons as are serviceable and be prepared to use them on our number one enemy, to wipe them off the face of the earth.” (Seems like a decent guy, I don’t know what all the fuss is about. In fact, I recommend that we cosy up to him a little more. Maybe toss him a few billion bucks by way of aid.)

Why should the world tremble with clued-up on-the-ball people like this in charge of our welfare?