Since fathers’ roles seem to be changing and they are no longer restricted to being solely the breadwinners, Helen Raine thinks it’s high time their gift guide changes too. It’s time to take Father’s Day into the 21st-century and celebrate the cooperative, childcare-friendly, new male we know our men to be... But is that what they really want?

[attach id=260180 size="medium"]Not quite the perfect Father's Day gift.[/attach]

The change has been slow, but maybe it’s finally here and daddy is different. In one generational leap, men seem to have gone from bringing home the bacon single-handedly to job sharing and attending playgroup twice a week so that their wives can bring home the eggs.

If so, the Fathers’ Day gift guides are lagging behind. Let’s consider Men’s Health magazine. That bastion of male consumerism has a top 10 that includes a “craftsman tool kit” for €460, a “Grillbot” BBQ cleaner at €75, the Dynatrap Ultralight Bugkiller (really?) at €70, a €230 dual fuel BBQ and a large power drill in a glow-in-the-dark bag. Thinking out of the box? I think not.

Far be it from me to question the wisdom at MH, but I would have thought the dads I know are more likely to lean towards the ‘kids at grandma’s, wife in new underwear’ scenario, rather than anything involving DIY and gardening. I feel it’s time for women to douse the MH’s guide with lighter fluid and use it to fire up the BBQ while dad changes the nappies and puts the kids down for a nap.

I would have thought the dads I know are more likely to lean towards the ‘kids at grandma’s, wife in new underwear’ scenario, rather than anything involving DIY and gardening

Yes, DIY shops of the world weep! Giving dad a pair of hedge trimmers may no longer be entirely appropriate. Look at it the other way around; what woman wants to be bought a pair of washing-up gloves and a darning kit? (If there are any of you out there, I suggest you hold your tongues.) Surely, it’s time to take Father’s Day into the 21st-century and celebrate the cooperative, childcare-friendly, new male that we know our men to be?

I have to admit that I have a vested interest in getting Fathers’ Day right this year. I recently wrote an article that outlined what mums really want (in a nutshell, time to themselves and no screaming kids for at least a portion of the day. Poorly glued cards and lumps of misshapen clay are optional).

Now, whether my other half actually read this article or whether he and his friends hatched the ‘Mother’s Day Extravaganza’ plot all by themselves is debatable, but the results were stunning.

Six of us mothers were allowed the outlandish luxury of showering and dressing with no small children hammering on the bathroom door or screaming that they needed the potty. We had time to dust the cobwebs off our make-up and apply it to both eyes in one session. We were then whisked round to the Father Conspirator’s house in deepest secrecy (having been denied anything more substantial for breakfast than a bowl of cereal).

And there, not only had the dads assembled a really impressive brunch (roasted Brussels sprouts with nuts and bacon; savoury quiche; bite-sized sausages; fluffy omelette; light and springy fruit muffins; even fruit salad, would you believe?) but they had also set up a table in the shade of the garden.

We were served by the aforementioned gentlemen at our seats and had nothing more to do than sip Mimosas and wonder what to talk about that was suitable for husbandly ears to hear. We remained blissfully unmolested by our delightful children for an entire meal (I’m not sure what they did with them but I think it involved water and mud). The children were later wheeled out to solemnly deliver a rose to each mother and removed again when they began to complain about their pricked thumbs.

For half an hour after lunch, we played quoits in the sun before driving to the nearby five-star hotel to lounge by the pool. It was so wonderful, it made me suspicious. What did the boys want in return?

So I asked them. I told them that in order to help women navigate the Brave New Fathers’ Day World, I needed an outline of their ideal day.

Their visions differed wildly (and I imagine they kept the filthier ones to themselves). One declared he needed four days of uninterrupted time in bed (he did not specify whether his wife’s presence was required too).

Strangely, the garden shed featured in one Fathers’ Day fantasy as follows: “I want someone to help me sort out the mess in the shed (stuff just chucked in until it reaches the door), and then a nice relaxing time with the family. Good beer, wine and food always helps.”

One dad asked whether I would reveal his answer to his wife. I swore to be the soul of discretion, but he chickened out anyway so my imagination is disturbingly filling in the blanks for him.

Interestingly, several mothers replied on behalf of their men, the fathers in question presumably being too busy being all New Age with the kids to get onto the computer. One said: “X’s response is unpublishable as it involves a film star and a sexual act. Guess he’ll be disappointed with his tie then!” Another asked her husband what he wanted and he replied: “For my wife to get off the computer and do the dishes”; it’s perhaps heartening for the traditional males out there to see that stereotypical family roles are not yet entirely dead.

But overwhelmingly, a request for “time with the family” was the common theme. A granddad told me: “Being an empty nester now, my favourite gift for Fathers’ Day is having all the kids at home at one time. It’s not very often when the opportunity arises, so this year will be a special one.” A father of two said: “Being together in a beautiful place. I don’t have a lot of needs.” Then there was: “Beer, time to surf all afternoon, hugs and kisses and time with my girls on our beautiful island.”

This is a radically different perfect day from the one that the mother’s proposed (where the idea of a day with the kids was just one orbit away from the seventh circle of hell). Are dads just better liars than mothers? Do they genuinely relish being with their families to such an extent that Father’s Day just wouldn’t be the same if we mothers took the kids away so that they could go ziplining? Or perhaps, despite all those job shares, the part-time-stay-at-home dad remains a mirage, just over the horizon and dads don’t spend quite as much time at home yet as mothers.

If this is the case, daddies, we will give you what your hearts desire for Father’s Day; we’ll leave you with the kids while we trot off to the pool at the five-star hotel again. Who’s in?