It’s over. Well almost. Depending at which time you’re reading this. After nine weeks of round-the-clock election coverage, I’m asking myself: what am I going to do with myself, now that there is no more Franco Debono to watch, no leaders kissing babies, no faux ice blocks and no Tal-Lira clocks?

I’m hoping TVM2 will have an election-reduction programme to ease the withdrawal pains

I know I will be feeling so deflated by tomorrow that I’ll be mulling going on holiday. What’s better than a well-earned break after months of intense screen watching than putting my feet up on a beach somewhere? It’s just that I’m undecided on the location: Cyprus or Brazil? And would I be able to get a roadmap you reckon?

On second thoughts, I’ll be better off staying put. I need to be gently weaned off an electoral campaign and there is nothing better for that than trudging off to work complaining loudly about the revellers-being-out-there-merry-making-and-downing-beer-while-I-try-to-work-to-the-soundtrack-of-hooting-horns.

Also I’m hoping that TVM2 will have an election-reduction programme to ease the withdrawal pains: a montage of election highlights, or a repeat of a mind-numbing Broadcasting Authority debate between a face of a Nationalist and a Nationalist, that I somehow missed first time round.

Most importantly, I will be utilising these coming weeks to think up a ‘Poor Me’ cause for the election of 2018. I found myself incredibly inspired after I read an article in this paper that listed the bartering exercises that go on during house visits. People threaten not to vote unless they’re granted favours – and that included demands to clear up pigeon droppings on some window shutter. (I am so fascinated by this. Did the local candidate go the next day with a brush and single-handedly scrub off the bird poo?).

Therefore, let me state it here and now: Gonzi and Muscat (and you too, Briguglio) I want a chauffeur. One who wears a cap and has Valrhona chocolates at hand. And make it snap – or else my voting document shall be binned.

But the real issue today is how can those of you who won’t be out celebrating – because your party lost thanks to the pigeon droppings man – get through the shell-shock of loss, and non-stop blasting of the winning party songs?

You need to tackle it just like you would a break-up. Here is what you must NOT do:

• Do not mope around in your pyjamas for days, sobbing into your maduma/torca scarf.

• Do not blame yourself for the election result and spend entire mornings and nights wondering over and over what you could have done differently (and sighing: “Was it me?”).

• Do not swear that next time round you’re going to switch parties (that’s rebound).

• Do not wait by the phone, hoping someone will call you/text you, telling you the result is a mistake.

• Do not start feeling there is no purpose in living for the next five years.

• Do not resurruct your New Year’s Resolution to keep fit and jog to one of the 106 outdoor gyms that were inaugurated last week for a spot of cardio – the wolf-whistles from the people perching on the roof of their cars as they drive by will further infect your wound.

• Do not be tempted to light up your house like New York to cheer yourself up – the road to cheaper bills is still being mapped and when you get your bills in two months’ time, you’ll be even more miserable.

• Do not connect to the grid: Facebook, living up to its aim to depress us, will be abuzz with supporters of the winners.

Instead, this is what you must DO:

• Sing karaoke, but tactfully leave out “Come on boys, come on girls” and “Futur fis-sod”.

• Organise your wardrobe: relegate all your blue/red/pale blue tops to the back.

• Take up a hobby, such as making Tal-Lira clocks or collecting silverware.

• Go out and have a drink, but skimp on the ‘ice’.

• Organise the making of a Harlem Shake video, with the opening scene featuring you and your friends stocking up for the dire times ahead.

• And finally, get the paint pots out, and paint one blue sheet and another reddish-pale-blueish one. Stick to balcony according to winner. Oh, and prepare a green one, in case of a coalition.

krischetcuti@gmail.com