“If they don’t want to use it for Parliament, what should they use it for?”

Can you see Mepa agreeing to allow a load of wild beasts to be housed in the middle of our capital city?

“Don’t ask me, but surely it was designed as a Parliament building... so... ”

“So... I’m asking, what else could it be used for?”

“I dunno, it would certainly cost an arm and a leg to convert it to some other lesser or greater function, no?”

“I would think so, although if they maybe decide to hand it over to a theatre company, or convert it into an art gallery or... ”

“Or?”

“Or even knock it down and start again.”

“Ooh no, I don’t think they’d do that, that’d be a shocking waste of money.”

“Like it isn’t a terrible waste of money already?”

“Well yeah but... it’s sort of there now, they might as well make use of it.”

“If they did bulldoze it flat they could turn the pjazza back into an open-air karnival theatre?”

“Heaven forbid, anyway there will soon be a brand new al fresco theatre on the Opera House site.”

“Um... ”

“What do you mean um?”

“Hmm, you know my feelings on that potential white elephant, don’t you?”

“I think the new ‘Parliament building’ would make a very nice new power station.”

“Power station?”

“Well yes, it already looks like one, and this new Government says it is going to lower utility tariffs, so what better way to help them do this than to adapt an already built entity into a brand new power station.”

“Hmm. I don’t think it would make much sense. I mean, who wants a power station slap bang in the middle of our capital city?”

“Or maybe it could be converted into a shopping mall.”

“Another shopping mall? Come on, you can do better than that.”

“Then how about a series of public conveniences? I hate to think what I’d do if I’m caught short, now that they’ve taken away the Yellow Garage steps.”

“I think it looks like an abattoir.”

“The Parliament building?”

“Mm.”

“How appropriate, but only from the outside, have you seen inside?”

“No.”

“Well I have, and... I reckon that with a little subtle adaptation and a great chimney, it is the ideal size and shape for Malta’s first-ever crematorium.”

“Ugh! No, I think a good alternative use for it would be as a zoo and aquarium.”

“What!?”

“Yeah, fill it up with wolves, monkeys, hyenas and baboons... plus a tank full of sharks... appropriate don’t you think?”

“Certainly apt, but can you see Mepa agreeing to allow a load of wild beasts to be housed in the middle of our capital city... whether they are in secure cages and tanks or not?”

“They already did when they sanctioned its use as a Parliament. But I see what you mean. No, I think we’ve got to look at the size, scale and scope of the building and adapt it accordingly.”

“So we’re back to the public conveniences again.”

“Question?”

“Go on.”

“If the Government is saying this new Parliament building is already too small for purpose, where are they going to locate the Parliament?”

“There’s been talk of adapting Fort St Elmo.”

“Ooh no, they couldn’t use that.”

“Why not?”

“Where else would all our legion of car thieves go to re-spray and adapt all the vehicles they’ve nicked?”

“Good point.”

“Hey, I’ve just had an absolutely brilliant idea!”

“Oh yeah, what is it?”

“Of course, how stupid of me. I know what that building should be used for.”

“What?”

“It should become a casino/ amusement arcade. You know, choc-full of gambling tables and slot machines, paying out only a minute fraction of all the cash they get in and keeping the vast majority of the takings for themselves.”

“Genius!”

“And – if I may say so – totally in keeping with its previous designation as Parliament.”

“Are you going to suggest it to the OPM or shall I?”