I recently caught a fascinating debate on Euronews all about Euro-jargon – and what it all means. It basically comprises an almost completely new use of language. It’s certainly not English, although it believes it is. And I don’t think any of the other myriad tongues spoken in the EU would claim, or even want to claim it.
I am now totally convinced that all this Euro-mumbo-jumbo is a quite deliberate attempt to confuse and obfuscate. Take a recent utterance by one of the EU’s high panjandrums, which I managed to catch – also on Euronews.
He – I believe he was a German gent – solemnly answered the unseen interviewers’ question about the EU subsidy jungle with: “The EU has to find EU solutions to EU problems.”
In case you were wondering, what I think he meant was: “Our solution is to do nothing and simply hope that the problem goes away.” Eurospeak or Eurotwaddle?
But it did get me wondering; what Eurocrat, with too much time on his hands, would ever want to complicate an already convoluted subject... even further. It therefore falls to me to try... yes, try, to make sense of some of the new words and terms that the EU mandarins have invented to further muddy the waters.
Let’s start with a real beauty:
Remember when Malta was in the accession stage, before actually joining the EU? One word that kept on cropping up was... ‘acquis’. I always thought it meant some sort of ritual prior to getting accepted. But no, it apparently means EU law or rules. In other words: “What we (the European Union) say... goes!”
But that’s not the only bit of obtuse Euro jargon we have to hurdle. Before we’re allowed to join the single currency, the euro, we are obliged to pass the: ‘Convergence criteria’.
In plain-speak this refers to the requirements needed for adopting the euro. It could be further compressed as: “Getting onto the euro bandwagon.”
And the EU loves initials, have you noticed? Stuff like CAP, BEPA, CMO, ECB, etc...
Another slice of EU-speak that creased me up was the term: ‘Administrative capacity’. One to play with, if ever I saw one. Its official explanation is: “Sufficient (administrative) personnel and skills to implement projects.” In plain-spiel: “How to gratuitously over-staff and get away with it.”
And the EU loves initials, have you noticed? Stuff like CAP, BEPA, CMO, ECB, etc... it’s actually quite fun redefining these. For instance, CAP is officially designated as the Common Agricultural Policy. But I think it’s much more appropriate to rehash it as Consistently Average Performance, which also conveniently serves as an analysis of the Union’s record to date.
BEPA is said rather pompously to stand for: Bureau of European Policy Advisers. I much prefer: Beaurocracy Ensures Perpetual Apathy.
CMO are the initials of a quango called: Common Organisation of the Market – and is intended as some sort of agricultural support group. What the three letters therefore really do represent is: Colossal Monetary Outflow... correct?
And the final – all too familiar – set of ambivalent initials ECB is reputed to translate into the custodian of the European common currency: the European Central Bank. But they lend themselves to the much more apposite: Everyone Curses Bankers.
But let’s get serious again... or not.
Among my favourite bits of Euro-obfuscation I just love reinventing the job spec of all those faceless beaurocrats, from every member country, beavering away in Brussels; each one drawing eye-watering salaries and expenses. These are defined in Eurospeak as: ‘Administrative capacity’... whatever that means. I much prefer the more direct definition: Passengers on the gravy train. With, of course, the term Chef de Mission becoming: A first-class passenger on the same locomotive.
There are enough of these sad and frankly silly definitions to fill several articles, but I’ll end with the one that actually made me laugh out loud. According to EU jargon, Value Added Tax is: “The fairest and most efficient method of garnering cross-EU revenue.” Excuse me if I redefine it as: “An irrational and arbitrary tax that makes no sense at all”.