Everywhere you look now there’s touches of red and green, tinsel and baubles. It’s that time of the year when we get caught up in the season spirit. Our houses try their utmost to be warmer and cosier and, in an attempt to ward off the cold, we want to huddle and invite each other to homemade parties. The tipple is a bit more generous, the rosy cheeks rosier and there’s laughter and giggling and a tad more jolliness all around.

But Christmas often brings with it financial pressure and that, in combination with free-flowing alcohol, can be a horror story for some.

In parallel to the world of mistletoe and jingling bells, there is completely different, much darker, world altogether. For some women, the sight of the first Christmas decorations in shops makes their heart sinks. With booze on tap, victims of domestic abuse are very likely to be at the receiving end of things spiralling out of control.

These are women who live the month of December with their heart in silence, almost fearing to breathe, with the oppression of violence looming too close. They are bombarded with images of the perfect nuclear family gathered around a Christmas tree, with carols being played on the piano and children baking gingerbread men with their parents. Outwardly, these women go through life as usual, smiling even, but inwardly they hide a secret.

Christmas is, more often than not, a time of year when they are on edge more than usual, when they have to be careful how they move, what they say, what they look at, who they speak to. At Christmas time, these women walk on eggshells. The slightest change from routine – accepting an invitation to the neighbour’s drinks, the wrong gift choice for the mother-in-law – can quickly trigger their partner’s fury and turn into a trauma.

These are women who carry their burden within the family walls. The stigma is such that they are confused whether they are actually being abused, their confidence is eroded and their self-esteem crunched beyond recognition. Mostly, they do not speak out for shame; for their sheer sense of failure at not being able to recreate the perfect family around that Christmas tree.

This time of year is possibly more difficult for victims of emotional abuse: name-calling; constant criticism; humiliation, including in front of others; threats; no control over money; manipulating guilt trips. In their silent hearts, these women are living in hell and feel that there is no out.

This time of year is possibly more difficult for victims of emotional abuse

However, if you are a victim of domestic abuse and you’re reading this, please know there are things that you can do to get out of this cruel situation. Please take the time to read below and believe that the magic of Christmas will give you the strength to take a small step towards freeing yourself:

1.Confide in someone. Tell a friend, your parents, a member of the family or a trusted workmate what is happening. Ask them to help protect you and ask them to be around and on the alert for an urgent call for help.

2. Try not to be alone with the abuser. If you can, try and keep other people around. If you are out, arrange another way of getting home rather than going with them.

3. Stay sober and alert.

4. Be prepared: always have mobile, money, keys, papers handy. Have an excuse prepared so you can leave quickly if you feel scared or threatened. Remember that you have no right to feel scared in your own house.

5. Plan where to go if you need to leave in a hurry (a friend’s or a family member’s house or get in touch with Dar Merħba Bik) and plan how you will get there.

6. Keep the children safe. Let your children know what to do in an emergency – where to go and who to telephone. Give them the numbers for the police, neighbours and relatives. Have in mind a place to which your children can go quickly, if for some reason you cannot leave with them. Do not stay with the abuser “for the sake of the children”, spare them the misery – they will be so much better off out of a manipulative household.

7. Leave pets with friends or family. Abusers often threaten to, or actually, harm a pet. Don’t delay leaving the abuser because of concern for your pet’s safety.

8. Keep a contact list. Make sure that important contacts are saved in your phone and that you have a copy in a notebook in your bag. Important contacts include: friends and family members you can trust; a taxi service; the police on 112; support line on 179; Victim Support Malta on info@victimsupport.org.mt or tel no. 2122 8333; and Dar Merħba Bik on info@darmerhbabik.org and tel no. 2144 0035.

This Christmas, please, believe that you do not have to go through this alone, because none of this is your fault. Don’t let yourself be bullied into silence anymore. The first step is to talk to someone, and that small step will be the beginning of a new life ahead, where you won’t be a victim but a hero.

Remember, you deserve better; much, much better.

krischetcuti@gmail.com
Twitter: @krischetcuti