I’m still waiting for my rust bucket four-wheeler to fail its VRT test so I can jump on one of Arriva’s buses and see what the fuss is all about. I’ve read everything there is to read about the service, and by gum I will be prepared for that first trip. I’ll have a survival kit all laid out and ready the day before. GPS receiver, flare gun, water purification tablets, oxygen tank, flotation device, distress beacon, SARS mask and plenty of body bags.

I really don’t know what to expect, and I don’t want any surprises. Perhaps I should also pack a storm protection blanket and some anti-fungal cream, but I wouldn’t want to overdo it. A taser is out of the question because with or without it I still wouldn’t stand a chance against a stampeding mob of tardy commuters.

First point of order will of course be getting on the bus, which will take me to the frontier of human endurance. I suspect it will involve a lot of pushing and jostling and nervous flatulence. Fat women in flip flops will be unkind to one another, baby buggies will roll on board like Panzer divisions and grown men will slump in their seats and try to figure out the exact moment when their lives went to hell. I’m sure I’ll be huddled up in the back of the bus like Reinhold Messner working up the courage to scale Everest, mint julep in one hand, ice pick in the other, all the while trying desperately to look confident and in control of the situation.

How will I know when to get off? Will there be an announcement? What if there’s a mechanical failure and we’re all herded off on the sidewalk and abandoned like displaced Chechnyan peasants? I’d better carry extra rations just in case. Getting off the road-hogging behemoth will also require plenty of logistical planning. Do I make my move when the pod bay doors open, or well in anticipation of the vehicle coming to a standstill? Do I grab onto one of those pokey handles dangling from the rafters and stand there like I know what I’m doing? Will there even be handles to grab onto? Are there schematics of these buses I can pull up on the internet?

Oh God, now I’m more worried than when I started. I’d better play that Rocky soundtrack one more time.