Everywhere we look we are insulted with more and more political billboards in the poorest of taste. While Tonio Borg sweats it out in Brussels not knowing whether the Socialist and Green lobbies will throw out his nomination, a non-declared election is making mincemeat of our lives with letterboxes full of junk mail and thoroughfares clogged with the faces of our politicos in various unflattering poses.

Can Tonio Borg now pledge himself to support things he has vociferously pooh-poohed in the past?- Kenneth Zammit Tabona

People are saying that the election will happen in March and so, God help us, we have another four and a half months of escalating puerility and nonsense to suffer.

Experience has taught me to take electoral promises with a sack of salt. I am not alone.

So what will determine the outcome of an election this time round? What will sway the election? Sheer ennui? Certainly not the billboard war but, possibly, online communication on the lines of Barack Obama’s ongoing letter-writing, of which I have been a subscriber for the past five years. Not a day passes without my receiving a personalised letter from President Obama himself and, occasionally, Joe Biden and, sometimes, even from Mrs Obama. Not to mention a plethora of functionaries in the US Government informing me, Kenneth, of what they are experiencing, what was expected of me as a ‘presumed’ US citizen and invariably asking me to contribute to the party.

Four years ago, I had made a little joke in this space about receiving confidential e-mails from Obama about which people had teased me about at the time but, lo and behold, I am now receiving confidential ‘Dear Kenneth’ e-mails from our own home-grown Prime Minister and the Nationalist Party general secretary and also, wonders never cease, from Austin Gatt asking for my help.

Letters written on the same lines and in the same spirit almost word for word as those I still receive with monotonous regularity from the US President! How’s that for originality? But as imitation is the highest form of flattery I doubt whether Obama will sue.

I am determined to read the electoral manifestos with a toothcomb this time round. Neither party has published theirs nor would I not expect them to either, which goes to show how idiotic the constant PN daring the Leader of the Opposition to publish the Labour Party’s manifesto is! Although I am dying to know how Joseph Muscat is going to regulate the exorbitant electricity bills I would never expect him to let the cat out of the bag now. Were you the Leader of the Opposition, would you?

Therefore, while both parties prepare their bag of tricks, we, the electorate, despite being in de facto election mode, have to merely guess what juicy carrots each party will dangle before us in the next few months.

I was determined not to write about politics this week. In fact, last week, I managed to avoid it altogether and wrote about life after death which, in the month of November, was particularly apt, was it not? This week we are back to planet earth with a bang for poor Borg who, after acquitting himself with honours last week during the famous grilling session, is now the victim of a lobbying campaign by the Socialists and the Greens about his opinions regarding issues falling under Article 21 of the EU Charter about fundamental human rights as if that would have any bearing on the genetically modified version of a lampuka!

It is simply confusing the proverbial lettuce with flatulence. Now, were my classmate Tonio Borg to have been nominated to be Commissioner of Justice as was Rocco Buttiglione that would have been, to stick to fish, another kettle of them! To clarify, the local Socialist Opposition party has backed Borg’s nomination to the hilt, so much so that MEP John Attard Montalto wrote a glowing appreciation of Borg’s achievements and suitability last Friday in this very space.

So what happens should Borg not be accepted? Will the Prime Minister send me?

I know nothing, but nothing about the mating habits of yellow fin tuna and still less about what feed one should give one’s prize pigs (or should I try dinosaurs?) However, I am very clear and informed in my views about gay relationships, divorce and other necessary social reforms falling under Article 21. Ergo, accepting me instead of Borg would be an option as idiotic as not accepting Borg for the very same reasons.

As I write on Friday evening, the Commission has asked Borg to commit himself fully and unambiguously (?) to a list of pledges; seven to be precise, four of which concern his actual job as Commissioner for Health and Consumer Affairs and another three about equal rights for women, the non-stigmatisation of people suffering of HIV/AIDS and the full adoption of Article 21 with regard to sexual discrimination. Can Borg, hand on heart, now pledge himself to support things he has vociferously pooh-poohed in the past? Like Victor Meldrew, I don’t believe it.

The mud being flung at Borg about that residence permit (Was it for a Mr Alijev?) is also what I believe to be part of a an underhand campaign to keep the post of Commissioner for Health and Consumer Affairs vacant for as long as possible to avoid any radical decisions being taken about curtailing the use of tobacco; a campaign waged by an industry in peril with millions of euros to lose.

Therefore, for the tobacco industry, it is mere child’s play to discover what Borg’s Achilles Heel is, just as it was to discover John Dalli’s. Is that so difficult to surmise? Therefore, unless Borg either takes a false pledge or claims to have a Damascene Conversion I had better start packing...