Mrs Tilly Mannersworth* tut-tuts at today’s youth. Shocked by their basic lack of a sense of decorum she offers some sound advice for parents and young people alike, which, unsurprisingly, involves the use of a broomstick and penguins.

Today’s youth are positively atrocious. It pains me to think of the way they behave and don’t get me started on their sense, or lack thereof, of attire. Honestly, if I had it my way I’d do a Noah’s Ark: bundle together a few decent youths who know a trilby from a fedora, pop them onto an ark, and flood the world.

Now don’t get me wrong, I do like children. Especially when they are cooked medium rare, with a zesty orange sauce.

That was a joke. But I mean really, what do today’s young ones think they are? It may have been a rather long enough time ago, but when I was small, children were taught good manners and proper behaviour. And if we did not behave, we were thrashed with a wooden cane. I wonder if that is the reason for my obsession with broomsticks.

Now, although the cane may not be an option at this moment (something to do with human rights), I do like to believe my sage words stand for something. Bring back the broomstick I say. Show today’s minions what it means to work and make them do some cleaning at home. Maybe it will keep them distracted from all the silly things they do.

Poise and decorum

It recently came to my attention that young men are posting pictures taken by ladies without any clothes on, on this internet world. A naked selfie, it seems they are calling it. Have none of them any shame? Really, if you want to see a decent nude, I think you should get your hands on copies of Titian’s Venus of Urbino and post that on the net.

Communication

Heaven help me, I cannot understand a word the young ones are saying. When I was young I was hip, as we liked to say, but we never said such rubbish as “hide that biscuit, the bacon’s coming”. Did you know that meant “hide the gun the police are coming”? In my world, that means don’t spoil your dinner by eating sweets before. Utter poppycock if you ask me. And something must be done to stop this travesty.

Bundle together a few decent youths who know a trilby from a fedora, pop them onto an ark, and flood the world

For this my solution is lard. Put it in your or your children’s mouths. It tends to keep them quiet for a while during which time you can teach them some proper vocab and when they finally learn to speak around the lard, at least they will have clearer diction. It’s all about the diction.

Attire

Young ladies, if you are reading this, have a proper look in the mirror and think to yourself, would Miley Cyrus wear this? If the answer is yes then I strongly suggest you rip your clothing off, in the privacy of your bedroom please, and burn it. On second thoughts, considering Miley’s usual attire, you may just want to put some underwear on and wear a coat.

As for you young men, what exactly goes through your minds when you let your trousers sag so low I can see your fraying underpants? What niggles me most is how you can walk properly. You may be too old to remember this, but there is a scene in Mary Poppins where Dick Van Dyke pulls down his cream pantaloons in order to look and dance like a penguin. You look like a bunch of penguins, and rude penguins at that. Penguins are far more polite and better-dressed than trouser-dropping boys. Perhaps you should be shipped off to Antarctica to learn a few tips from the penguins. It’s so cold there, you’ll have to pull your trousers up.

We really do need to understand the art of concealing, rather than revealing. This reminds me of a game Mr Mannersworth and I used to play when we were still in our prime. You see, Mr Mannersworth is a true gentleman who can appreciate a good quality robe, or perhaps a fine, luxurious silk kaftan. Thus we developed a game where we’d wear as many layers of clothing as possible until we could hardly move any more. The fun, as you can imagine, entailed attempting to de-robe one other, without falling over.

I once wore so many garments that Mr Mannersworth joked that I resembled a bull. To this day it perplexes, and somewhat angers, me from where he drew this analogy. I decided to retaliate by placing a real bull in our living room the next time we played Layer, Layer, Pants on Fire. You might wonder how I managed to lay my hands on a bull. Let’s just say Farmer Toesheep has a soft spot for me and was happy to lease Dante to me for a short while.

The only problem was that Dante has a temper, and horns and I perhaps regret slightly that I now have a husband with a missing ear, a limp and an ongoing nervous tick. At least, he can still hold a broomstick.

*Mrs Tilly Mannersworth is a figment of Veronica Stivala’s imagination. They both love penguins and both secretly wish they could speak penguin. For penguins, they say, know the secret to the universe.