Buying an internet DSL connection is an exciting voyage of discovery akin to slamming a car door onto your little finger. It all started with the Go clerk asking me if I want a centralised splitter or a bunch of phone splitters to plug into all of my phone outlets. Without splitters it’s impossible to use the internet or make phone calls. A centralised splitter requires technical knowledge to install, a regular splitter does not. Being by nature a lazy duffer and a technological illiterate, I buy and install seven regular splitters and end up with an internet connection as unstable as Marilyn Monroe with a Dexedrine dependency.

I trot back to the Go offices only for them to tell me nothing’s wrong. A sucker for a second opinion, I call Go’s technical faults’ hotline and they tell me everything’s wrong.

The guy on the other end says I should never have been sold that many splitters and that a centralised splitter should have been my only option. If this all seems very confusing, it’s because it is. But I feel vindicated and return to the Go offices expecting apologies... Only for my expectations to be cruelly dashed.

Not only did I not get an apology but I was told I couldn’t even return the splitters for a refund. Adding lemon zest to an already bitter concoction, I had to cough up for the centralised splitter myself and wait a full three days before Go could spare a technician to enfranchise my connection.

A little technical knowledge of their own product by Go’s service personnel could have spared me several days of running around like a distraught lemming. I am aware of Go’s loss-making and ill-timed investments in Greece’s Forthnet but that is no reason to neglect the customer base in its own home country. Please consider this a bitter and resentful letter of complaint.